Too tight? Vaginal dilators can help.

Women write to me that after a long period of celibacy, they find someone they want to have sex with again. Often they didn't think they would discover love/lust again after so many years. Their elation dims when they discover that they've become too tight for intercourse, or it's too painful.

There are several reasons that vaginal pain can happen (which I discuss in my new book, Naked at Our Age, coming in June 2011). With age, especially if you're sexually inactive, the vaginal tissues thin and there's less blood flow to the genitals. Without vaginal penetration and/or regular orgasms and internal stimulation, the pelvic floor can lose its ability to relax, and in its contracted state, the vaginal opening feels too tight to admit a penis or a larger-than-slim sex toy. If this is your situation, please download this Vaginal Renewal program from the wonderful folks at A Woman's Touch sexuality resource center, and put it into action for the sake of your sexual health and future joy.

Part of this program is at least one orgasm a week (you don't need a partner for that!) and internal massage using vibration. Yes, really. Internal massage with vibration brings blood flow to the vagina and helps strengthen the tissues. If you're so tight that insertion hurts, vaginal dilators will help. These are more wands than dildos, starting very slim and progressing in graduated sizes as your body adapts and is able to accept more.

It used to be a hassle to even find vaginal dilators, but now there are two different styles that are easily obtainable and will fill your needs:

The Oasis Dilator Set is made of smooth, durable, ABS plastic and comes in three graduated widths: Slim (1/2"), Midi (1"), and Maxi (1.25"). Order the size or sizes you need for $25 each. If you've been finding insertion painful, the 1/2" size is a good place to start, then you can order larger as you're ready. Each has a dial to control vibration intensity, from very mild to moderately intense. Thank you, Babeland, for sending me this set for review.

The Berman Vibrating Dilator Set is a set of four graduated dilators that fit like nesting dolls over a base with a dial to control vibration, from very mild to moderately intense. You can start with the slimmest, which tapers from 12/16" to 14/16", and build up over time to 1-1/8", 1.25", and 1.5". You get all four sizes in one package for $46. It also comes with a stretchy, nubby sleeve that is supposed to increase sensation. (The sleeve didn't do anythng for me, but you might like it.) Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me this set for review.

Both brands do the job very well. If you need super slim, the Oasis has the thinnest. If you don't have a problem with tightness and you like a fuller feeling, the Berman set has the thickest.

Using dilators is a process for your own sexual health and the health of a relationship you might have now or in the future--and it can be extrememly pleasurable, besides! For optimal pleasure, pair your dilator with a clitoral massager (see an array of reviews in my other sex toy posts here).

Satisfying Senior Sex for Women, Too!

Older people, especially healthy ones, and especially men, are enjoying sex, finds a study published in the British Medical Journal, March 9, 2010. Ellen Barnard, MSSW -- sex educator extraordinaire and co-owner of A Woman's Touch sexuality resource center -- explains why women have been left behind and what they can do about it.

Satisfying Senior Sex for Women, Too!

by Ellen Barnard, MSSW

Older women stop having and enjoying sex sooner in their lives than men do, a study in the British Medical Journal found. That’s because the medical community has no idea how to help women maintain their sexual health and pleasure after menopause without the use of potentially dangerous hormones. Women don’t have any “little blue pill” to make things work better when their bodies have given up.

But the truth is, there are simple answers:

1. Live a “Good Sex Lifestyle” which includes daily exercise, a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies, nuts, whole grains and healthy fats and free of white sugars and flours, low-to-moderate alcohol intake, and daily doses of chocolate, Omega-3 oils and lots of Vitamin D. Healthy women enjoy good sex much longer than those in poor health.

2. At menopause and later, care for your vagina. Moisturize her daily or more with a good moisturizing lubricant (no glycerin), and massage her inner walls two to four times per week for five to ten minutes, with either a well-made vibrator or a partner’s fingers or penis. For more details, see our Vaginal Renewal™ program.

3. Have at least one orgasm per week, with yourself or a partner, it doesn’t matter. Keep those nerves functioning properly and remind them what pleasure feels like. If it’s hard to have orgasms, use a vibrator. Men use tools all the time, why shouldn’t you?

4. Get enough sleep, keep your stress under control, and keep a positive outlook. Your body will thank you for it, and your mind will be able to think sexy thoughts without distraction.

5. Think sexy thoughts, often. Fantasize, reminisce, create erotic stories in your head (or on paper), talk about sex, plan for sex, and make it a priority. Nurture your sex life, and it will love you back for many years to come.

- Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center, which offers education and products to support healthy sexuality for everyone, with a focus on older adults and those living with cancer. She can be found at http://www.sexualityresources.com/.

I think Ellen's information is vital, and I hope you'll pass this link to your friends, colleagues, lovers, wives, and mothers. If more mid-life and older-age women knew these self-help strategies for enhancing their sexuality, there would be more satisfied smiles on their faces! -- Joan Price

Pelvic Floor Relaxation: Advice from A Woman's Touch

As I write Naked at Our Age, I'm awed by the level of candor from the real people who have agreed to share their stories and the generosity of the experts who are contributing solid, helpful tips that address the problems and concerns you've sent me.

The book will come out in Spring 2011, which I realize is a long wait for those of you who are experiencing challenges now that are preventing you from thoroughly enjoying your senior sexuality. Since my mission is to help you, I want to share something that I learned from Ellen Barnard, MSSW, because you might need this information --as I did -- before the book comes out.

I wrote Ellen for personal advice -- I was startled and dismayed to discover that I was unable to insert the Teneo Smartballs comfortably -- something that would have been easy before my self-imposed, long period of celibacy following Robert's death. "I’m aghast that I’ve let this happen to me," I told her.

Here is an excerpt from her compassionate and helpful reply, which I hope will open your eyes, as it did mine:

Oh, please don't be upset - there are many women of all ages who find them to be too wide to insert comfortably unless they are very aroused. Despite the information around them, they really are not intended to be used without arousal and a lot of lubrication first.

It's not really about stretching the entrance to your vagina. The issue is how tight and how flexible the pelvic floor muscles are at the opening of your vagina. After menopause, it gets more difficult for the pelvic floor to relax unless you regularly practice doing so. Arousal helps with relaxation of the pelvic floor, thus allowing you to insert something inside your vagina comfortably, but after menopause it often takes a conscious relaxation effort in addition to significant massage for arousal.

So your task is to learn how to better relax those muscles and do so as you insert gradually wider toys.  Don't "push" against those muscles - that doesn't work, and actually causes them to tighten further. Instead, either gently slip a finger alongside your favorite toy once you are fully aroused, taking a deep belly breath and once you feel the opening relax, slip the finger inside, or take a tapered toy and insert it deeper as you breath deeply and feel the vaginal opening relax.

It's worth going to our site and downloading our revised Vaginal Renewal and Pelvic Floor Health booklets (see links under "Educational Brochures") - we address the issue of a tight pelvic floor in both of them. 

Ellen Barnard is a sex educator and counselor who believes we all deserve delightful, healthy sex lives for as long as we live. She consults on the topics of aging and sexuality, cancer and sexuality, and facilitating intimacy at the end of life. She is also the co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center.


Visit A Woman's Touch for "expertise in sexual health and pleasure."