Dunne Deal: Cog-spiracy Theory

In "curating" this blog, I generally endeavor to be humorous, but there is a time for laughter and then there is a time for whatever the opposite of laughter is. (It's a common misconception that crying is the opposite of laughter, but many scientists now believe its opposite is actually sneezing and farting at the same time.) This is one of those times. In fact, I'm sneezing and farting even as I type this, for I have recently uncovered a government conspiracy so insidious it makes the Kennedy assassination look like a half-assed game of three-card monty.

Submitted, the following article, which I recently noticed on the Urban Velo:

So what does this mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means the government plans to make cassettes prohibitively expensive in a diabolical attempt to force everybody to ride "fixies:"

"So why would they want to do that?," you ask. Well, to truly understand why you also have to understand the government--also known as "the Man," who will be played in this post by acclaimed actor Griffin Dunne:

Here's what we know:

FACT

Located in Washington, DC, the government consists of three branches: the legislative, executive, and judicial:

FACT

Of the "people" who comprise the three branches, the legislative and executive are all extraterrestrials, while the judicial are hyper-intelligent lizard people who hail from the lost continent of Atlantis:

(Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Antonin Scalia)

That last fact explains not only the so-called "scales" of justice, but also lends additional insight into the controversial "Mothra vs. Godzilla" decision of 1961.

FACT

The government hates bicycles, because they know that David Byrne holds the key to solving the world's energy crisis on which the extraterrestrials and the lizard people depend in order to keep humankind in their thrall, and also because he doesn't own a car:

("I own a car. No, just kidding, I really don't.")

Nice one, Mr. Byrne. You had me going there for a second.

So why would Griffin Dunne, in his best performance since he played Johnny Dangerously's kid brother in the 1984 comedy smash "Johnny Dangerously," want people to ride fixies instead of grown-up bikes with multiple gears? Well, by secretly fostering fixed-gear riding while outwardly condemning its thin veneer of rebellion, he/they/it will gradually eliminate us all through hillbombing "accidents" and alleycat "mishaps."

"Back in the day," if a government operative wanted to get rid of you, he'd sabotage your brakes. Now, the government's just brainwashing us all into not even installing the things in the first place.

Meanwhile, both here and abroad, the Forces of Fixiedom remain tragically oblivious to their fate. For example, a reader informs me that a London hipster has recently performed the world's most "epic" elephant trunk skid:

I guess this is what those fixed-gear freestylers mean when they talk about "progression."

By the way, if you look closely, you'll notice a rather nonplussed dog:

I'm assuming the owner has placed him there for scale.

By the way, if you've ever dreamed of owning your very own giant clown bike, now you can, for a number of readers have informed me that Crate and Barrel is now selling bicycles:


Not only that, but the "street-cred" comes standard:

Nothing says "street-cred" like "designed by republic bikes." Republic Bikes is to "street-cred" as "if it rains take the bus" is to "epic."

But as excited as I was by the clown bikes, I was even more excited by this sick-ass deal on galvanized planters in the DeLorean colorway:

I simply must "swoop" me some of those, yo. (In the world of hipster consumerism, when a company "drops" something it is your job to "swoop" it immediately.) Then, once they arrive, I will place a bunch of artisanal axes in them at jaunty angles, kind of like umbrellas. And speaking of axes, I recently noticed that the Best Made Douchery Factory has switched suppliers:

Previously, Best Made had been bedazzling a $50-ish dollar Snow & Neally Hudson Bay Camping Axe (I was informed of this by various readers--I know about as much about axes as I do about shrimp-sexing, which is to say nothing), but now they're using some company called Council Tools:

The Best Made American Felling Axe was designed in New York City
by Best Made Company, who worked hand-in-hand with Council Tools—a legendary fourth-generation American axe maker—to fabricate and revive the incomparable and quintessential American tool from the ground up, to our exact specifications. The polished high carbon American steel was selected by Best Made Company and drop forged by skilled Council Tool blacksmiths at their venerable forge on the shores of Lake Waccamaw, North Carolina. The pattern of the head is a traditional design known as the Dayton pattern, selected by Best Made because it is a time-tested icon of the American axe industry. The 35" Appalachian hickory helve was designed by Best Made and its slender, elegant properties insure that it will provide utmost efficiency and safety.

The Best Made fey hipser Axe of Idiocy apparently uses Council Tools's "Dayton pattern," and while you can also buy an axe in this pattern from Council Tools, the most you'll be able to pay for it is like $65:

It also won't be cursorily sanded by a gigantic douchebag:

"So what does this have to do with bikes?," you may be asking. Well, firstly, the Best Made CED (Chief Executive Douchebag) is an extraterrestrial. Secondly, Best Made's website now features cycling content, and it's only a matter of time before they "drop" some sort of cycling product or accessory for your "swooping" satisfaction. Here's how you ride the Best Made way:

So what is intuition exactly?

Intuition is a derivative of instinct, meaning it’s a natural state of behavior and requires no special training. Whether it can be improved upon is disputable, but often times—aside from the occasional light or dark beer dilemma—it remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life.

Yes, intuition "remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life"--assuming of course your everyday life is contrived, faux, overpriced, and bedazzled, like a Best Made axe. The rest of us rely on it daily, since it's quite helpful for mundane stuff like, oh, I dunno, riding your bike to work without getting killed.

But riding your bike to work is not the Best Made Way. The Best Made Way is taking stylized vacations from your stylized life, and using your intuition to find the optimum moment to buy a harmonica:

Following a hunch isn’t strictly reserved for dire circumstance. It can be tapped in situations as simple as making a quick pit stop at a small music shop to purchase a harmonica.

All You Haters Blow My Mouth Organ.

You won't find the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork stopping during his ride in order to buy a harmonica. Maybe--maybe--he'd consider buying a keytar, but that's as contrived as he's likely to get. By the way, another reader informs me that our friend can not only travel through time, but he can also change his "colorway" like a chameleon, as you can see in the advertisement below:


Not only is he now sporting a smart Performance catalog-esque jersey, but he's also willed his drivetrain onto the left-hand side of his bicycle:

A-meh-zing.

Indeed, so ubiquitous is our friend that I keep expecting him to get a Craigslist "missed connection." It hasn't happened yet, but I did think this one was noteworthy:


brown sweater getting burrito or maybe taco; glasses angular nose - w4m - 24 (williamsburg bedford ave)
Date: 2011-03-22, 9:57PM EDT

i rode my bike down bedford ave after work, taking in the scenery, and saw you, a HOT DUDE, hot enough to leave such an impression on a fleeting ride past the endless summer truck. you were wearing a brown sweater, had circular glasses (?), brown hair, an angular nose (see: subject line), and looked like how i imagined "COLLEGE T.A." types would look while in middle school. were you getting a taco? a burrito? a red jarrito? i will perhaps never know...

I think it's fairly obvious from the description who that "HOT DUDE" is:


In fact, I actually considered turning her in, since Craigslist now includes the following in their "missed connections" posts:

Please report suspected exploitation of minors to the appropriate authorities

But then I remembered that Harry Potter is like 35 now and can most likely fend for himself.

Sustenance: We're All Cannibals

As the hour draws closer to the commencement of my BRA tour, on which I will chase the elusive burrito of literary success, I find myself deeply immersed in preparation. Primarily, this preparation involves "curating" my BRA tour bicycle, which I am turning into a sort of "DIY" coupled bike via judicious application of hacksaw and hose clamps. This is harder than it sounds, because I also have to allow for my handlebar-mounted live lobster tank, so that I may pay obeisance to the Holy Crustacean while in motion, as is central to my faith.

The first stop of my BRA tour will be Mellow Johnny's bicycular shoppe in Austin, TX on Wednesday, June 16th. I've visited Austin before, and while I found it to be disgustingly hot I also found this heat was mitigated by a naked dip in Barton Springs, followed by a refreshing 48 hours of court-mandated detox following my arrest for indecent exposure. I was also moved by Mellow Johnny's brand of Texas hospitality, which is the good kind (graciousness) and not the bad kind (shooting you with big guns), and a look at their itinerary shows just how far they're going for my visit:


I was particularly excited to learn they will be holding a "Cycling Stereotype Pageant," which I will apparently judge. (Such a contest would be impossible in Portland, where everyone is already a cycling stereotype.) While I don't want to insert myself into anybody's creative process, I will say that you might want to consider dressing as Floyd Landis, who comes in many "Landisways." There's Tour de France winner Floyd Landis:


"I didn't do it" Floyd Landis:


And of course "I did it and everyone else did too" Floyd Landis:

Just make sure to coordinate with your friends beforehand, because if there are going to be multiple "Landii" at the event they should at least be different versions.

Also, if you show up without a costume, you can always buy a bunch of stuff at Mellow Johnny's, wear it for the contest, and then attempt to return it the next day for a full refund. (This will not work if you throw up on it, as I can personally attest.) Or, if you do want to throw up on your costume, just troll for cheap attire on Craigslist. Here's an example of someone doing just that here in New York:

Wanted padded cycling shorts - $20 (park slope,prospect hts,windsor terrace)
Date: 2010-06-09, 11:08PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm new to cycling and need a ladies size 10 pair of padded cycling shorts and any other apparel specific to cycling in Prospect Park.

If you're wondering what makes a pair of cycling shorts specific to cycling in Prospect Park, it means they're so worn that they are sheer, revealing the recesses of the wearer's "butt crack." (This is how the majority of Prospect Park cyclists are dressed, complete with white sneakers, knee-high sweatsocks, and "vintage" Bell helmet from the dawn of the polystyrene era.) Of course, it's hard to imagine anything more disgusting than buying secondhand cycling clothing on Craigslist, but I'm reasonably certain that this is a man posing as a woman in a desperate attempt to obtain used cycling shorts for his perverse sexual gratification.

Also available on Craigslist is membership in a "bike crew," as a reader recently brought to my attention:

Join our Bike crew.. (Great Neck )
Date: 2010-06-09, 3:30PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

We are starting a bike crew in great neck:
"we ride together, we die together"

Were looking for good looking bikes, front and back shocks prefered.
Must be able to ride fast down hills with no brakes.
Night riding optional.

Following the closure of the fixed-gear scene, it would stand to reason that aspiring "bike crews" would turn to other types of bikes, and this particular crew seems to have chosen brakeless dual suspension bikes. It would also stand to reason that a "bike crew" dedicated to riding brakeless dual suspension bikes down hills would not live very long, hence their motto: "We ride together, we die together." Really, this sounds less like a bike crew than it does a Heaven's Gate-esque suicide cult. (Though at least you can opt out of the night rides, which means you can put off your inevitable demise for about 12 hours.)

Meanwhile, for those who somehow managed to gain entrée into the rarefied world of fixed-geardom, the whole "impractical touring" or "fixed-gear theme vacation" thing is more popular than ever. Fixed-gear freestyle impresario and streetwear enthusiast Prolly reports that two pilgrims of pointlessness will now ride their fixed-gear freestylers from Vancouver to Mexico for some reason:

Coast No Coast - Quote edit from Brock Mitchell on Vimeo.

While "Vancouver" is a specific departure point, "Mexico" is not a very precise destination, so I can only assume their naive plan is simply to head south until the skin tones of the people match their color chart and they hear Spanish spoken (or until they are robbed at knifepoint). I'm sure this project will yield many compelling "edits," and that thousands of like-minded people will thrill to footage of the various parking lots in which they "session" along the way.

But while some people hit the road with impractical bicycles and nary a clue, others plan, analyze, and document even the most simple ride right down the umpteenth decimal place. Another reader has forwarded me this video, which chronicles perhaps the most "epicly" high-concept beer run the world has ever seen:

Have Keg, Will Pedal from marty benson on Vimeo.

For some, beer is a luxury you afford yourself in between responsibilities. For this guy, however, beer is the responsibility, and procuring it requires more calculation and circumspection than sending a rocket into space:

Rest assured, though, that the entire enterprise is "sustainable"--including the soundtrack, which is totally organic inasmuch as it is this guy:

To me, the feat is not that he managed to move beer with a bicycle, or that he did so in a "sustainable" fashion, but rather that he manages to sustain a lifestyle that gives him that much time to "curate" the transport and consumption of beer. It's sustainability in a vacuum of leisure, with a nice frothy head of smugness.

In a sense though, sustainability is the antithesis of cannibalism, and a reader in Belgium informs me that Eddy Merckx bicycles is now producing controversial cannibalism-themed advertisements. Here's Tom Boonen, watching the countless bad "Red Wings" jokes already heading his way:

According to the reader, the Cannibal himself, Eddy Merckx, had this to say:

"I find it too aggressive, way too overpowering. I was shocked when I saw the ad campaign. This is too provocative, but I no longer seem to get it. I've become too old. I also didn't have any say in it, my company has been sold."

It's a good thing his nickname wasn't the Cincinnati Bowtie.

Insulated Panel: Cresting the Summit, Jumping the Shark

Like a banana, since peeling my yellow cloak of anonymity awhile back I have begun to grow purple, gooey, and unappetizing with exposure. However, if you have a strong stomach and a fondness for banana pudding, you can come to the "Bike Culture Summit" tomorrow, where I will serve as a panelist:

With water flooding Nashville, oil flooding the Gulf of Mexico, and combustible SUVs appearing in Times Square, it's a good thing a bunch of bike dorks are getting together to ignore the world's problems and focus entirely on issues like brakeless fixies and the cultural significance of "shants." If you're considering attending but are teetering on the fence like Danny MacAskill in the opening scene of that famous video, perhaps this recent local TV show will whet your appetite and help you make a final decision. (Of course, I sincerely hope you will attend. However I should warn you that the "epic" hair with a host underneath it will not be part of the summit, so I realize that leaves little incentive.) Assuming you ultimately decide not to attend but would still like to know what happens at the summit, here's an advance transcript of my contribution to the panel:

Do cyclists need to rehabilitate their public persona?

Yes.

To what extent should safety trump convenience and style?

Until someone invents some kind of lever-actuated contrivance that supplies additional stopping power to the wheel of a bicycle, cycling will never be safe.

Will protected bike lanes segregate cyclists?

Only if they're racist.

Is Critical Mass a boon or a liability for the bike movement?

Liability.

What can be done about sexism in the cycling community?

I don't know, but I'm sick of being treated like an object.

This may very well be enough for you, in which case you can stay home, but if you do attend I will also devalue your copy of my book by writing in it:

I'm looking forward to hearing a whole bunch of this tomorrow night.

Speaking of issues confronting cyclists, I only recently noticed that a few weeks ago NPR aired a little segment ("airing your little segment" can get you arrested in some states) on texting while riding in California:

I must say I'm squarely in the DeAndre Sims camp when it comes to my feeling about texting and cycling. By the way, the printed word does not do Sims's quote justice, and for the full impact you need to hear it live (at 0:28 seconds):

If only I had musical production skills I would sample and build an entire song around what is undoubtedly the most engaging cycling-related quote ever aired on public radio. Maybe Abdominal and I can "drop" a "collabo:"

If this were to happen, I'd probably adopt a new moniker for the project and call myself "DJ ReSkin:"

Subsequent to yesterday's post about hemorrhoids, a reader alerted me to the above product, and here's how the website describes it:

ReSkin® is applied to the perineum. The perineum is the piece of skin between the anus and the genitals. The perineal area contains sweat glands,hair follicles and sebaceous glands that can often become irritated by rubbing, leading to an infection.

In other words, it's sort of a Breathe Right® strip for the "taint."

Of course, the reason ReSkin makes an appropriately "street credulous" DJ name is that, for one thing, it suggests that you're "skin friendly, painlessly removeable, washable and reusable"--all of which are prized qualities in the rough-and-tumble world of bicycle-themed hip-hop. Also, it implies you get into people's pants.

Indeed, I think most people would agree that texting while riding is a dumb thing to do--almost as dumb as spending over $4,400 on a pair of wheels:

According to the review, "they're incredibly fast wheels, being ridiculously quick to accelerate and giving you the feeling of a constant tailwind on the climbs," and believe it or not there really are people who will read this and believe it. Wheels cannot be fast. Riders can be fast; wheels can be round. As far as the "tailwind on the climbs" thing goes, promising that a piece of equipment will make you climb better is the bicycle marketing equivalent of selling "natural male enhancement."

Unfortunately, though, given the increasing cost of equipment, the average amateur racer is becoming inured to ludicrous prices. When the Mavic Ksyrium first came out it cost something like $700 and was the pinnacle of exotica--now a $700 wheelset is considered a "training wheel." To put the price of the Lightweights in proper perspective, consider that for the same price you could buy almost nine fixed-gear Softrides (as forwarded by another reader):

Fixed Gear Softride - $500 (oakland north / temescal)

Date: 2010-05-01, 4:51PM PDT

Reply to: [deleted]

Black fixed gear Softride

Facts:

-Fits someone between 5'7" and 6'1". There is no down tube to measure, but I ride 51cm and this is just barely fits. The carbon fiber seat stay can be adjusted another ~1.5" higher. The manufacturer's sticker underneath the seat says that it can handle a 200lb rider at maximum on flat roads and 180lbs on "all-terrain"

-700c wheels

--Front wheel: Spinergy Rev X tubular carbon fiber

--Rear wheel: Purchased separately from a wheel builder. Paul hub with 32 DT spokes and a 16 tooth cog with lock ring. Velocity Deep V rims. The rear wheel has only been ridden 50 miles tops.

-110mm 48 tooth Beck Single Speed chain ring

-EPXtras fork

-ITM 90mm stem

-White single-speed chain

-WILLING TO SELL ALL BUT THE WHEEL SET FOR $300

Don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have. Feel free to call between 6-10pm on weekdays and anytime on weekends. You can text or e-mail me anytime as well.

858-663-[deleted]

With nine fixed-gear Softrides you could assemble the most effective Burrito Distribution Force "hipsterdom" has ever seen. Thanks to the carbon beam, you could keep a safe distance from the homeless and simply catapult the burritos in their general direction. Sure, there's a 200lb rider weight limit, but given the fact that few "hipsters" weigh more than 100lbs that leaves an additional 100lbs for burrito-hauling.

Speaking of "bike culture" (I was, earlier, in terms of the "summit"), as most people know by now Minneapolis has defeated Portland and now occupies the top podium step in the fierce "Bicycling" magazine "America's Top 50 Bike-Friendly Cities" competition. Not only that, but they've also got their very own "Streetfilm:"



I enjoyed this video. Not only did it include footage of a GTSNF (or "Gratuitously Track-Standing Nü-Fred):


But I also learned about Minneapolis's "Trail Watch:"

As Laura Kling explains it, "We look out for litter, drunks, and suspicious characters. If we see any of those things, we just move them off the trail." This is exactly the sort of thing we need here in New York City; just add "beards" to that list and a local "Trail Watch" program would finally render the Williamsburg Bridge bike path 100% "hipster"-free.

In the meantime, though, New Yorkers are not interested in getting rid of "hipsters;" instead, they're hitting on them:


GIRL IN ACID WASH JEANS, SHORT HAIR, COVERED IN TATTOOS ON BEDFORD AVE - m4w - 25 (willamsburg)
Date: 2010-05-03, 3:07PM EDT

You - short dark hair, acid wash jeans, and a shirt that showed off your back piece..

Me - black skinny jeans rolled up, stripey shrt, black bike, sittiing on a stoop.

You are soooo gorgeous! Can I take you out for a drink?

Inasmuch as this post describes every single man and woman in Williamsburg I don't expect these two will find each-other.

By the way, we can now officially welcome a new member to the "bike culture"--the "hipster roadie:"

While there are some variations among these riders, common elements include vintage road bikes, tight jeans, visible butt cracks, and a penchant for late afternoon training rides.

I hope they're "rocking" the ReSkin.

Alarming Data: Number Crunching and Gear Mashing

As I mentioned yesterday, I have wroten an article about my trip to Portland, OR for the May issue "Outside" magazine (or, as it is published in Canada, "Ootside"). While I highly recommend the print edition of the magazine for the simple reason that the format is handiest for reading in the bathroom, I also understand that there are people who eschew paper ("eschew," pronounced "achoo," is an onomatopoeia for sneezing at something). For some, paper avoidance is about saving trees, and for others it's about not spending money, which especially ITTET does not grow on them. So if the only thing you subscribe to is paperlessness, you'll be pleased to know you can now read the article online instead of loitering in the Barnes & Noble magazine section or waiting for your next dental appointment:

I should point out that "Outside" came up with the title, since I don't understand why people call Portland "PDX" for the simple reason that it has more syllables. LA, SF, and even NYC I can understand, but the only reason I can see for calling Portland PDX is so that people don't confuse it with Portland, Maine--though in that case they might as well just call it "PO." Of course, affectionate nicknames are something else--for example, New York City is "The Big Apple," and New Orleans is "The Big Easy." Both of these are longer than the city name (depending on how you pronounce "New Orleans"), but they are also evocative, which "PDX" is not. I just think if they're going to add unnecessary syllables, they might as well get something descriptive in the bargain, and if I were Portlandese I would lobby to have my city called "The Big Smugness." (Then again, I'm from "'da JFK," so what do I know.)

Speaking of getting your money's worth, if you're a fan of professional cycling you are getting short-changed, since a reader has informed me that a new study indicates that the "Grand Tours" have been getting slower since 2004:

This, the researchers conclude, indicates that pre-2004 gains were attributable to doping, and that anti-doping efforts are now resulting in slower races:

If this is in fact true, then the pros better start doping again, since according to the abstract "the average speed has decreased by 0.22 km/h per year," which means that eventually a Grand Tour will take an entire calendar year. In other words, the prior year's Tour or Giro or Vuelta finishers will be rolling across the finish line of the final stage just as the next year's riders are beginning the prologue. Even more disturbing, consider that the 2009 Tour de France winner, Alberto Contador, won with an average speed of 40.31 km/hr. Therefore, if the UCI allows speeds to continue to decrease at this rate, in just 183.23 years the Tour winner's average speed will actually be 0km/hr--or, to put it another way, he won't even have rolled off the start ramp in the first place.

Clearly, then, the current anti-doping model is not sustainable and will bring to an end bicycle racing as we know it. (The best case scenario is that in two centuries Grand Tours will become giant trackstand competitions.) This may be why at least some Belgians seem less concerned about cleaning up the sport in terms of doping and are literally focussing on cleaning up the sport:



Landbouwkrediet team manager Gerard Bulens, however, dismissed the clean-up efforts as "ridiculous:"

As for water bottles, Bulens said he would be surprised to see any left along the way after a race. The bottles are highly prized souvenirs for fans. “There are serious collectors,” he said. “A cycle race is an exceptional event. I am agree that we should think about the environment, but we must not get caught up in the ridiculous. "

As a proud owner of a small piece of Vladimir Karpets's tire, I would be inclined to agree that no piece of refuse is too insignificant (or even disgusting) for the typical cycling fan. I must say, though, that the idea of "drop points for rubbish" is an intriguing one. Perhaps they can institute a new type of "green" jersey by giving points to riders for managing to throw their water bottles and gel packets into recycling bins along the race route. It could be made of hemp, and they could call it the "Maillot Smugness." Best of all, those souvenir-hungry fans can then dive into the bin and fight for scraps like a bunch of hungry "freegans."

Another way to increase speeds would be to allow the riders to use electric bicycles, like this Lexus hybrid which was forwarded to me by a number of readers:




There is of course a strict rule in journalism that any article involving bicycles must include mention of either honey magnate Lance Armstrong or the Tour de France, regardless of how unrelated either of these things may be to the article's subject. What does an electric bike have to do with the Tour? It would also be less grueling if the riders were allowed to use cars or motorcycles, but I don't see anybody mentioning that when they're writing about Accords and Gold Wings. Anyway, I don't see what's so remarkable about a bike Lexus won't even put into production, especially when the electric bicycle has already completely taken over Chinatown and beyond. (I have near-collisions with people using electric bicycles on a near-daily basis--there are fewer creatures more silent and dangerous than the "Electro-Salmon.")

Really, the best thing about the article was its use of the term "man-made torque," which is apparently "Pedaling 2.0" (and not a euphemism for "foffing off," despite how it sounds). By the way, if you're a fixed-gear rider and you want to see how many gear inches your choice of cog and chainring will yield with the addition of man-made torque, you can now download "Chainvetica," which was forwarded to me by the creator:

It's basically like a regular gear-inch calculator, only with an attractive "colourway" and hipster-taunting copy. I was amused, but alas I think they might be a bit too late with this one, since discerning fixed-gear and singlespeed riders are now calculating their gears in sunglasses. ("Tight whip! How many babies does it weigh, and how many sunglasses are you pushing?"

Less whimsical but perhaps more pointless is this bike-sizing "app," which I saw on Trackosaurusrex:

The only situation I could envision in which you'd need an iPhone app to tell you what size bike you need would be if you're an aspiring Nü-Fred, you're browsing Craigslist on your phone, you don't know what size bike you ride, and you stumble on what could very well be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a famous "fixie" (forwarded by another reader):

59cm fixed single speed Bottecchia - $1050 (Nopo)
Date: 2010-04-27, 12:33PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

59cm fixed single speed '89 Bottecchia
Columbus SP tubing – all chrome underneath the classic Italian paint.
Velocity Deep V rims laced to Miche hubs- flip-flop (rear panaracer tire shows some wear in the center, front is at 85%)
New Ultegra headset
New Nitto noodle bars & tape (44cm)
Technomic stem (110mm)
Sugino cranks & chain ring (49t)
Euro-Asia Imports track cog (18t)
Shimano Cartridge bottom bracket
Vintage Shimano 600 break caliper (new pads)
Modern Shimano 105 lever
Fizik Arionne saddle (a year old with wear on the tip- still plenty of miles left!)
New Bar Tape

And yep. This is the bike from the youtube video Performance.

You will receive attention riding around on this bike. Absurdly short handlebars and spoke-card not included.

This bike is in excellent riding condition: wheels trued, chain line perfectly straight, bearings spinning smooth. The paint is in very good condition for a bike of its era, but there are some small chips. There are braze-ons for both derailleurs, shifters AND internal cable routing, should you ever decide to convert the bike back to a geared set-up.

Specs aside, this frame rides like a dream. Give it a ride if you’re a serious about buying. I need the money to travel abroad. $1050obo
5o three, 7o2 o3six2


At one point even I speculated that this bicycle was a good investment, but it seems that between the short shelf-life of the "Performance" video and fact that we're now living in the post-Walmart era its value is dropping precipitously. If I were the seller, I'd at least consider adding some interesting features, like a Top Tube-Mounted Auxiliary Brake Lever (or TTMABL):

This unique set-up was spotted by a reader in Boston, and a closer look reveals just how ingenious it is:

Awed, I simply stared at it while listening to this.

Indeed, it would not surprise me if the TTMABL were the hot set-up at this year's Five Boro Bike Tour, which takes place this Sunday. Of course, the world's most epic "race" is sold out, but you still might be able to weasel your way in and score yourself a pinny thanks to Craigslist:

BIKE NEW YORK BIKENY BIKE NY possibly 2 registrations available (midtown)
Date: 2010-04-28, 8:18AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I have been riding in BIKENY for years. Unfortunately I hurt my shoulder a few weeks ago. As of now ( Wednesday ) it is iffy as to if I am going to be able to ride this year. Even though I live in Northern CT - I still have to come down to NY on Saturday ( Peter Gabriel on Sunday night -- BOO YAAAA!!!!!! )

I will not decide until Saturday morning if I will or will not ride. I want to have a list of people I can call or email on Saturday if I decide I cannot ride.

If I cannot ride - and I do end up selling. Its very basic - will sell at our cost. You will get both of our envelopes with the vests, the number for your helmet -- everything contained.. I will also forward you all information on the pictures they take and everything else.

( SHAME ON ANYONE WHO IS TRYING TO SELL THESE THINGS FOR MORE THAN YOU PAID - I hope you get run over by a horse )

Jeff
Safe riding to everyone!!!!!!!!!

Following the words "Peter Gabriel" with "BOO YAAAA!!!!!!" is perhaps the best example of a "douche-clamation point" I've seen to date.