This Just In: Umlaut Hö!

(The exact speed at which a Fred goes, "Wooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!," by "Anonymous Coward")

This morning started out like any other. I woke up in the bathtub, took off my scuba flippers, puttered into the kitchen, and poured myself a Bartles & Jaymes. Then, I casually checked my Just Dachshunds 2011 wall calendar on which my helper monkey, Vito, notes my appointments, where I noticed the following:

"Holy crap!," I exclaimed, spraying mojito-flavored wine cooler everywhere. Not only was my wiener dog Anthony due for an oil change at the end of the month, but I also had to leave for Gothenburg, Sweden--today! This is because I'll be speaking at the Göteborgs cykelfestival this coming Saturday and it will take me at least two days to ride there from Brooklyn:

Ordinarily it would only take me a day at most, but I'll be making the trip on a fixed-gear for additional street cred. On top of that, it will also take another two days for me to ride my fixie back from Gothenburg to Brooklyn, which means that I will not be posting tomorrow or Monday but will be back on Tuesday, June 14th with regular updates.

Vito will be staying behind and offered to post in my absence, but frankly he's a way better blogger than me and is liable to usurp this entire operation.

In any case, it occurs to me now that I've accepted an invitation from a person I've never met to visit a country to which I've never been in order to go to a festival that is a complete mystery to me since all the promotional materials are in Swedish. Nevertheless, I'm placing my full faith in the "bike culture" and hoping I won't be bound with duct tape, stuffed into the trunk of a Volvo, and dumped into a fjord somewhere. I've also done my due diligence by researching the Gothenburg bike scene and even watching some of their local fixed-gear freestyling "edits:"

Wow, these guys are on a whole other level. I particularly enjoyed the flawless angst-to-barspin, as well as the moment when the protagonist is attacked by a failed Aerospoke representing his own mortality:

I'm also practicing how to pronounce "Göteborg," but I'm not having much luck. Not only does the actual pronunciation have like eight more syllables than there are in the written name, but I don't even hear any of the same letters. In fact, I'm pretty sure he said "Yurts are boring"--which they are, but which doesn't change the fact that I'm, like, totally screwed.

Speaking of being screwed, many riders were screwed in The Great New York City Bicycle Crackdown of 2011 in that they received tickets for things that were not actually illegal. By now I'm sure nearly everybody on the planet Erf has seen the excellent Casey Neistat video, but it warrants inclusion here nonetheless:

I enjoyed this tremendously, but the only thing more frustrating than police ticketing cyclists for not riding in a bike lane is that some people are actually giving the filmmaker a hard time for not wearing a helmet. Apparently here in Canada's custom insole cycle-smugness yields to nothing, not even satire.

Meanwhile, illegitimate ticketing is not limited to New York City, for a reader tells me that a child-portager in London was recently ticketed for hauling a double-payload of human smugness:

Obviously she needs to satirize the incident by making a video of herself plowing into traffic cones and construction sites with both children on the bike. It will become a viral sensation, though the could lose custody of her kids.

Actually, I'm tempted to somehow work in a visit to London while I'm over in the Old World, since another reader tells me you can buy a £1million house full of bike crap:

If Scotland Yard is still hunting that mass murderer who's been preying on tweed ride participants, I think they may want to have a word or two with the seller, a certain "Mr. Wilsdon:"

I wonder if he also eats the tweed.

And with that, I'm stuffing my messenger bag full of clean underpants, straddling my fixie, and hitting the road to Gothenburg. I look forward to returning to this blog on Tuesday, but until then I remain,

Truly yours,

--BSNYC/RTMS

This Just In: An Annoying "Out of Office" Auto-Reply!

(Hitting the rode.)

Of all the fears I harbor (and there are many), three of them loom greater and more forbiddingly than all the rest, and they are (in ascending order of menace):

3) Having to use an unfamiliar bathroom;

2) Having to express a cat's anal glands;

And of course the big one,

1) Having to take temporary leave of this blog.

Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I announce I must do numbers three (3) and one (1), for I have traveling to do, and these travels mean that not only will I have to use unfamiliar bathrooms (unless I can "hold it in" for a really long time), but I will also be unable to place words into this blog (at least not ones worth reading, inasmuch as any of this is worth reading, which is debatable, but believe it or not I do have standards).

All of this is a very roundabout way of saying that I'm about to board a plane and that I will be away from this blog until Thursday, March 3rd, at which point I will return with regular updates. Yes, there is much to look forward to in March, as you can see from looking at this calendar:

As for the nature of my travels, the first portion of the trip will actually consist of testing bicycles with the editorial staff of Bicycling magazine, during which I will finally get to see how they decide that one crabon bicycle is more laterally still and vertically compliant than another. This is very poignant for me, since it's been almost four years since I wrote this post, and I'm dying to find out if Bicycling's testing process is as unintentionally funny as the reviews it yields. Sadly though I'll probably never find out, since judging by my recent training numbers I expect to get dropped immediately and never see the editorial staff of Bicycling ever again:



As for the second portion of the trip, that goes beyond the purview of this blog, but let's just say I'm finally going into the studio to record that country and Western album I've been talking about.

In any case, like a good minimalist, I've got my suitcase bike:



And my suitcase chair:


And a suitcase for my cellphone and cellphone accessories:

Though unfortunately I don't have a suitcase for my actual clothes, since apparently they don't make those anymore. Also, I was unable to find my preferred road bicycle riding sunglasses (otherwise known as "optics"), and after much digging all I was able to turn up were these positively Fred-tastic Oakley M Frames in a strange orangey-yellow "colorway" from "back in the day:"

(Oakley M Frames and disembodied hand.)

I may just have to squint on this trip, though I imagine I'd also cut a dashing Kenny Powers-esque figure as I sit in the terminal on my suitcase chair gazing at the departure screen through my M Frames. Or maybe I'll just put them on eBay, where bicycles and bicycle parts surf an endless sea of disembodied hands, like concertgoers at Lollapalooza:

(Impressive eBay disembodied hand curation forwarded by a reader.)

In the meantime, I apologize for neglecting my blogular duties, but I will point out that I did blogulate yesterday, which was technically a holiday, so that's something anyway. Also, if I have anything urgent to relate during my absence I will do so by means of my Tweeter. As always, thank you very much for reading, and I look forward to returning on Thursday, March 3rd.

Until then, I remain yours,

--BSNYC/RTMS

BSNYC/vthm

cc: David Byrne

bcc: David Byrne's car

This Just In: Leave of Absence Announcement! (and Friday Fun Quiz!)

(The Lone Wolf recedes into the distance, as photographed by a reader.)

As another week draws to a close and we embark upon the Memorial Day weekend I am also embarking upon a short leave of absence, during which I will be attending to matters of personal life "curation" well beyond the purview of this blog. This leave will commence as of the end of this post, and it will continue until Monday, June 7th, at which point I will return with regular updates.

During my absence, I would humbly point out that you can always read my book, the obviously-titled "Bike Snob," which is available wherever fine books are sold. (They keep my book next to the fine books so they look even finer.) Otherwise, by way of blogular webular sites, there is always Cycling Inquisition, All Hail the Black Market, or, for the ultimate in bawdy and ribald cycling blogs, The Erotic Misadventures of Mario Cipollini. Also, if I have anything pressing to share in the meantime (such as the publication of a Universal Sports Giro blog or the latest news in my helper monkey Vito's ongoing battle with head lice), I may do so by means of my Twitter social networking account.

I look forward to returning to this blog on June 7th, as well as to meeting some of you at my Book-Related Appearances (or BRAs) in a few weeks' time.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a short quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see dangling keys and pretentious skidding.

Thanks very much for reading and ride safe. See you on June 7th.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Cockpits are Saddles 2.0.

--True

--False

2) In the recent bike messenger episode of "Judge Judy," who won: the plaintiff, or the defendant?

--The plaintiff

--The defendant

--Both the plaintiff and the defendant

--Neither the plaintiff nor the defendant, for when "hipster" fights "hipster" the only winner is comedy

3) What's the best part of "training" indoors?

--Safety from motor vehicles

--Shelter from the weather

--Better control over your workout

--Awesome theme music

4) Where are you most likely to find a "human fingerbang?"

--The Tour de France

--The Giro d'Italia

--The Tour of California

--Alberto Contador's house

***Special "Hipster" Behavioral-Themed Bonus Question***

What are these "hipsters" doing?

--Having a knuckle tattoo party

--Participating in a "circle jerk"

--Fighting for the last slice of vegan pizza

--Feebly swatting at a piñata with pieces of cooked spaghetti

This Just In: Someone Yoinked My Cockpit!

In a crime that may or may not be retaliation for last week's "ANTgate" affair, the stem, handlebars, brake levers, and grips (or, in bike review parlance, the "cockpit") of my beloved mehloved Scattante Empire State Courier were stolen at precisely lunchtime-ish on 6th Avenue in the Greenwich Village neighborhoodway of Manhattan. Here is the grisly scene to which I emerged:

(All You Haters Decapitate My Scattante)

As you can see, the brake cables were snipped and the so-called "cockpit" was simply unbolted and removed. Naturally, I was shocked when first viewing the crime scene, though my concern subsided when I noticed that the thief had left the bottle-opening capabilities of the bike intact:

(The thieving teetotaller totally left the best part.)

While I certainly would have preferred a bicycle ride to a subway ride home on this pleasant day, I'm only minimally bothered by this brazen heist. Indeed, my only regret is having equipped the bicycle with a fancy stem, which is undoubtedly what inspired the theft in the first place. However, as the stem fit the bicycle perfectly and was lying fallow I figured it made more sense to use it than to purchase another, cheaper stem and keep this one secreted in my underwear drawer. (I keep all my "bulletproof" components in my underwear drawer, which is why I often find Chris King headsets in my underpants at urinals.) In fact, I thought to myself this very morning, "It would not surprise me in the least if some brigand decided to 'house' my stem today," and so it did not surprise me when a scant few hours later that very thing came to pass.

In any case, the first rule of New York City bicycle commuting is to always use a bicycle you will not be upset to lose, and having followed that rule I actually feel as though I've come out ahead since the foolish thief neglected to steal the rest of the bike. That said, if someone tries to sell you a 120mm silver Thomson stem in the 25.4 clampway, perhaps bundled with a Ritchey flat mountain bike bar, a pair of black Oury grips, and maybe even a couple of Tektro brake levers with a few inches of brake cable housing dangling from them, feel free to use the fact that they are stolen to negotiate a very low price--and then keep them with my compliments. (I'd offer to reimburse you in exchange for the components but I hate the idea of paying for things twice.)

In the meantime, you will be pleased, indifferent, or nonplussed to know that plans for the Scattante's rehabilitation are already underway, and I expect it should be rideable by this evening at little or no cost to me. Most importantly, now that the weather's improved and the streets are flush with bicycles they are flush with thieves as well, so be careful with your bike.

And remember--yoinking your own cockpit may be fun, but if you're going to yoink someone else's you should at least ask them first.

--BSNYC/RTMS

This Just In: BSNYC Not Feeling Well!

In publishing this blog, I always make best efforts to spare readers from the tedium of my private affairs. However, this morning I found myself feeling quite unwell. I'm not sure from what malady I suffer, but whatever it is it appears to be uniquely tailored to prevent me from blogging. As the slogan for Johan Museeuw's flaxen bikes goes, "To Feel is to Believe," and you can believe me when I say I feel like crap:

Please be assured that I am not seeking sympathy; in fact, if you find me irritating I encourage you to revel in my misery. No, I merely wanted to let my readers know why I will not be fulfilling my blogular responsibilities in full today. After all, I've been maintaining this blog for quite awhile now (anywhere from one to three years, I am too feeble to count) and I like to think we've reached a point where I can dispense with the pretenses occasionally and be honest. I only hope that you will forgive me, as more than being ill it pains me to have to bore you with a post that is little more than an excuse. Also, my condition is putting a serious crimp in my training for the Monstertrack alleycat--especially the much-anticipated "Food Down" competition:


Yes, at the moment keeping food down is not my specialty.

Having said all that, I promise to return with regular, actual updates as soon as possible, or at least to keep you apprised of my condition (inasmuch as it relates to the "curation" of this blog). I also encourage you to read other blogs, such as the excellent "Cycling Inquisition." And in the meantime, I will take solace in some of the delightful items I've received from readers recently, such as these onomotapoeic knuckle tattoos:


(I assume the "pew pew" is meant to evoke a laser beam sound.)

Also, from commenter Ant1, I've learned of this new wooden bicycle, which indicates that "Woodway" is "Colorway 2.0:"

In my present condition I may need to think about whittling myself a wooden bike, since it's apparently acceptable to ride them in pajamas:

I will then affix to it a military surplus pannier, like this one spotted some time ago by a reader in Portland:

A city in which sandals and pant-cuff retention go together like wood bikes and pajamas, or like coffee and smugness:


Speaking of Portland, in no other city are Pistas sold more creatively:



$300 is quite a deal, since the Dutch bike I "autographed" for Recycle-A-Bicycle ultimately sold for a whopping (by "whopping" I mean "meager) $700--less, sadly, than the Matthew Modine and David Byrne bikes, but equal to the Jannette Sadik-Khan bike.

And with that, I leave you to focus on my recovery. May this handlebar tramp stamp steer me back to wellness.

--BSNYC/RTMS

This Just In: I Bid You "Aduh" Until 2010

Last Wednesday, I mentioned the fact that I worship the Lobster God. While the notion of an all-powerful crustacean may seem like little more than a flimsy basis for an ersatz religion ("ersatz" is pretentious for "fake"), it turns out there is some philosophical validity to the concept. In gathering information with which to "flesh out" (or more accurately "shell out") my new religion, I turned to a popular search engine and discovered an essay called "The Organism as the Judgment of God: Aristotle, Kant and Deleuze on Nature (that is, on biology, theology and politics)." Titles don't really get much catchier than that (Kant and Deleuze? You can't lose!), and so I began to read. As it turns out, God is indeed a lobster:

If you find all of that confusing, the author goes on to simplify the concept later in the essay:

Organisms occur in at least two registers: one strictly biological, the other political. But it is the same abstract machine of stratification, the same Lobster-God operant in any register from geological to social as the way to appropriate matter-energy flows from the Earth and build a layer that slows down the flow and funnels a surplus to a transcendently organised body. The abstract machine of stratification is biological and political at once. The geology of morals set forth by the Lobster-God is bio-political organisation.

Also, lobsters have claws.

Admittedly, though, this essay is pretty dry, and the Lobster God I worship is a bit more succulent. I prefer to believe the Lobster God is the all-powerful orchestrator of the great "Space Miracle," which took place when the Lobster God opened the Barbican Shoulder Bag of Infinity with the Pincer of Creation and the entire universe spewed forth from its leathery folds. Or, to put it another way, we are all merely fleas on the Dachshund of Time:

All of which is to say in a very roundabout way that the Lobster God appeared to me in a dream recently (I fell asleep watching "Atonement") and commanded me to take leave of this blog until Monday, January 4th, at which point I will resume regular updates.

In the meantime, though, I invite you to ponder this image, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

In the interest of rendering the photograph "safe for work," I was forced to add some garments. (You'll note that the originals are hanging from the handlebars.) If you're wondering why the crotchal region of the "virtual" garments is so sizeable, this was necessary in order to fully obscure the volume of the "secondary coif," which, like the primary one atop her head, was considerable. Should you wish to view the original photo as the artist intended, it is here.

Lastly, if you've been losing sleep because you're wondering what the hot new bike fashion trend will be for 2010 (and not because you've been having nightmares about lobsters as I have), you can finally rest easy. Another reader recently forwarded me a Craigslist posting confirming something I've long suspected, which is that 2010 will be the Year of Rust:




55cm Broakland Pipe-Bomb Track Frameset - $1100 (potrero hill)
Date: 2009-12-23, 12:35PM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

Hi-
For sale is a raw (unpainted, uncoated) Broakland Pipe-bomb frameset in size 55. Included in the sale is the frame, fork and Chris king threadless headset. The frame is perfect with no dents or cosmetic issues. There is surface rust which I have been letting take over slowly and deliberately. It has seen a little over a year of use as a city whip.

Rarely do you see this much thought go into a track bike. From the Paul dropouts to the three different types of tubing. It is designed for both 700c front or a 26" for a little more aggressive handling and barspinzzz. Light and stiff, equally at home on the track or the street. Designed and welded in the bay! Why buy some NJS cast-off or alloy Cinelpropistadolan made-in-china rig when you can rep the local forces at work?

Although this ad is just for the frame set, if you want it I will throw in a Tange carbon seatpost that complements the look of the wound up very nicely. I'm sure I have an extra 107bb I can include. I have a bunch of track parts kicking around (Including the build in the last pic) so if you're looking for more than the frameset, I can make a deal. Otherwise, go to Montano Velo in Oakland and spend your hard earned dollars.

Check here for more info: http://www.myspace.com/broaklandbicycles

Feel free to email with any questions aside from low ball offers. Thanks for looking!

The cycling world has seen pre-rusted designer bikes before, but it's clear from this post that the trend has now taken hold on the "street" level. I also spotted a fashionably corroded bicycle in downtown Manhattan not too long ago:

Of course, it is the very nature of rust to "take over slowly and deliberately," so it's a bit ridiculous for the Craigslist seller to take credit for cultivating (or "curating") the rust. Then again, it is also human nature to rationalize the onset of the inevitable, and the sorts of people now riding intentionally rusty bicycles will soon also claim to be "greying out" their hair, or intentionally fading their tattoos, or even "wearing their breasts lower." Given this, the seller would do well to entertain the "low ball" offers he's now refusing, since what appears to be a genital defect could actually be a personal fashion choice. Maybe the buyer is simply letting impotence take over slowly and deliberately.

And with that I shall cede to the inevitability of the passing of yet another year and let this blog recede into the din of holiday revelry. To some this din is the cheerful sound of celebration, and to others it is the dissonance of a million fleas vainly crying as they cling desperately to the back of the Dachshund of Time. (To me, it is simply the soothing sound of sloshing about in a bathtub full of eggnog.) In any case, I'm deeply grateful for having had the opportunity to (hopefully) amuse you this past year, and I look forward to returning on Monday, January 4th. In the meantime, enjoy the rest of the holidays, ride safe, and in all endeavors be like unto both rust and the Lobster: Slow and deliberate (and reddish in hue).

--BSNYC/RTMS

This Just In: Plugs and Deliberations

As many of you know, in addition to writing both this blog and the "Spatula Snob" blog, I also write a column for Bicycling magazine. However, before that column was just a glint in the eye of the shark I'm perpetually striving to jump, I wrote an article for Outside magazine about my participation in the 2008 Single Speed World Championship. So I'm pleased to announce that, nearly a year later, it has finally appeared in the August issue which officially "drops" today like a bunch of subscription forms from a copy of Cosmo. Not only that, but it includes pictures (taken by a real photographer) and is multiple pages in length. Here's how Outside describes the article:


Obviously, I'm hardly the world's greatest and funniest cycling blogger, but keep in mind that in this same issue Cincinnati, Ohio also scores a top 10 in the "America's Best Cities" story, so clearly use of the Wednesday weed is abundant in Outside's fact-checking department. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Outside magazine, it focuses on stuff you can do outside, and is published by the same media conglomerate as Inside magazine, which is America's most popular magazine for shut-ins. (This month's cover story: "Terry Cloth Bathrobe Shootout!") If you'd like to read my article (it's good bathroom length), you'll need to get your hands on a copy of the actual magazine*, which looks like this:

*Well, it turns out you can read it "online" too! The 1990s is a truly amazing time to be alive.

They don't mention the article on the cover though because it probably wasn't rugged enough, unlike Aaron Eckhart's craggy face. Here's a close-up of his chin:

And here's an even tighter close-up of his chin cleft, magnified 1,000 times:

While I'm reasonably proud of my article, I must admit it isn't nearly as exciting as the cover story by John Krakauer: "Into Cleft Chin: A Personal Account of the Expedition into the Recesses of Aaron Eckhart's Face." (Spoiler: they make it out alive, but barely.) Yes, despite being incredibly dangerous, determined outdoorspeople continue to explore Eckhart's deep and forbidding dimples. Some of them never return. Actually, there's even a rumor that the 2010 SSWC is going to be held in his left laugh line.

Speaking of intense yet absurd competitions, it's nearly time for me to wrap up the BSNYC/RTMS Fat Cyclist Knuckle Tattoo Tribute Contest and announce the podium. As I mentioned yesterday, I was both moved and entertained by all the great submissions I received--so much so that it's extremely difficult for me to pick a winner. Really, if I could I'd award every single entrant, but unfortunately ITTET I just don't have the resources. So, in order to make my job at least a little bit easier, I've deepened the prize list:


First place is still the Rapha/Lion of Flanders shirt, second place still is the Knog Beetle lights, and third place is still the BSNYC/RTMS Lounging Smock. In addition, there is now a fourth place, which earns you a Rapha/Fignon shirt, a fifth place, which also nets you a BSNYC/RTMS Lounging Smock, and a sixth place, which means you'll receive a BSNYC/RTMS Sticker Fun-Pak:

Not only that, but the Special Super Deluxe Über Grand Prize (courtesy of Chris King) is of course also still on offer. This is comprised of a pink "Pretty and Strong" bottom bracket:





As well as a "Pretty and Strong" t-shirt:
In all, that's a seven-step podium, which is almost 60% of the way to sobriety.

At any rate, after looking at the submissions, I finally forced myself to choose seven finalists. Please note that this was extremely difficult, and that while all of these are excellent there were many that were equally excellent and in the end my selection process involved random selection as much as anything else. So here they are:

"Moose Knuckles"

"Flower Box"

"Meat"

"Knuckle Pants"

"Big Wheel Freakout"

"Carrots"

"Larry King"

Of course, even as I type this, I regret excluding brilliant submissions like this one, this one, and this one. Still, in in the end had to overcome my indecision and make a selection, and in any contest there has to be both the fingerbanger and the fingerbanged. However, while I was able to choose the podium, I was unable to choose the finishing order, which is why I'm putting that to a vote:


Simply vote your preference, and come tomorrow I will award the prizes according to the number of votes for each submission, thus absolving myself of any further responsibility. Also, do keep in mind that even if you don't win, Fat Cyclist has just announced a new contest himself, so there's always that. Furthermore, I may just award a consolation prize.

Once again, thanks for all the submissions, as well as for your patience as I plugged myself.

--BSNYC/RTMS