"Never Have I Ever" sex column

My latest column is pretty personal. It's called "Never Have I Ever". As always, if you like it, spreading the word via the buttons at the top of the column or posting it is always much appreciated!



Going back to those never have I ever fantasies, some of them are as extreme as running a marathon, something I’m pretty sure I’d never do. There’s a small part of me that wants to explore them, but so many variables would have to align in exactly the right ways. Maybe they will someday, but right now I know, similar to how I have to work on my core so I can be stable for running, I have to get the rest of my life—my health, my finances, my home, my writing—in order if I’m going to approach sex in a way that enhances my life. Again, I know this isn’t everyone’s path, but when life gets too out of control, my instinct is to pull back, especially from interactions with other people where there’s a high likelihood that I or they might get hurt emotionally. It feels selfish in some ways to make me the sole priority in my life (I realize how crazy that sounds even as I’m typing it), but it’s the only thing I feel I can dedicate myself to.

That commitment to self-improvement is certainly something I haven’t done in quite the methodical way I am now. I’ve tackled bits and pieces—declaring bankruptcy here, hiring a personal organizer there, finally going to the dentist after five years—but this year, this crazy year of being 35, I’m finally forcing myself to face a lot of realities I’ve been too stubborn or sad or wishful to look at head-on before. It’s certainly not easy and my favorite vices—food, sex, shopping—are ones I’m also trying to leave behind. Obviously, I still have to eat, I’m still a sexual being and I still need to make purchases, but I mean leave behind using them in self-destructive ways, especially sex, because I don’t want to drag anyone else into my madness.

Read the whole thing

Sex After 50: The Naked Truth, new column

My latest column, "Sex After 50: The Naked Truth" quotes Naked at Our Age author Joan Price, who's about to go on a book tour, Sugar in My Bowl editor Erica Jong and more on senior sex. If you like the column, there are buttons at the top of it to spread the word - as always, that's much appreciated!



Joan Price is 67 and wants you to know that sex doesn’t stop at 50—or 60, 70 or 80 and 90!

The author of Better Than I Ever Expected is back with a new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Seal Press), inspired by the many readers who wrote to her asking about how to deal with issues ranging from vulvar pain to breakups, illnesses such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as “dating while older,” erectile dysfunction, divorce, grief, even hiring people for sex or erotc touch. The tone of the book is supportive but realistic; Price isn’t telling seniors to expect to have the exact same kinds or frequency of sex, but instead that if you’re adaptable, sex can continue (with yourself and others) for one’s entire lifetime.

Throughout the book, Price and a series of experts such as Charlie Glickman, Lou Paget, Carol Queen, and Candida Royalle offer tips related to specific queries in concise, practical responses. Price is a big sex toy advocate as well. “When I review a sex toy on my blog, I concentrate on what it does well (or is supposed to do well!), and how well it works from a senior perspective. e.g. It shouldn’t hurt arthritic wrists; it should last as long as we need without overheating or turning itself off, and more.”

Read the whole column

New column: "I'm Still Bisexual Even Though I'm Dating a Guy"

The more I type that column title, the more "duh" and obvious it sounds but still, it was something I felt was worth writing about. I'm always casting about for new column topics - one will definitely deal with Joan Price and her new book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and elder sexuality. Maybe I can find something in London to write about! Still working on my Weinergate kinky sexting essay which I might just blog instead of going through the pitching rigamarole.



In some ways, my embrace of bisexual is also about a rejection of heteronormativity, of all the parts of straightness that feel oppressive to me. Yes, there are privileges accorded to straight people, but I feel there are also burdens; it’s assumed that you want to get married and become a parent and be monogamous. Stepping outside any of those roles messes with the dominant culture’s plans for you. I’d like to think being part of the LGBT community has made me more open and empathetic, and showed me how people are, in fact, so much more than any label.

What’s interesting to me is that this title, bisexual, is important to me, It's something I feel I carry no matter who I’m dating, or not dating, whereas “poly” and “kinky” are not intrinsic parts of my identity. They are things I have been at various times in my life, or rather, my relationships have been. Bisexuality is different for me, perhaps because it feels more primal than either being poly or kinky — not that they need to be pitted against each other. I used to struggle with the word “bisexual” because it implies there are only two sexes or genders, which is not something I believe, but it’s a shorthand that, in general, works for me.

My bisexuality has also played itself out in almost all of my relationships in some form. Often the form it takes is in talking dirty, and sometimes it’s gone beyond that. One girlfriend, who was pretty much exclusively into women, indulged my interest in a male friend of ours with a threesome. With most of the straight men I’ve dated, not surprisingly, they’ve been interested in fantasizing aloud about me with another woman or hearing about my own fantasies. I certainly feel freer when I have a boyfriend sharing my fantasies about women, real or imagined, than I do about other men.

Read the whole column (and if you like it, I'd love it if you'd "like" it on Facebook at the top and/or tweet, blog, etc. - all that really helps!)

New column: "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions"

I was late so my column, "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions," which mentions my friend Ellen Friedrichs, abstinence only craziness, Joyce T. McFadden's book Your Daughter's Bedroom and Violet Blue's The Smart Girl's Guide to the G-Spot, ran this week instead of last week; next week's will be up on Wednesday, June 15th, and that night is the Big Jewcy party at Brooklyn Winery!



A little excerpt:


At the same time, I’m grateful to have even gotten some of the basics. I wasn’t getting it on in high school, but I was curious, and with my first partner I had to investigate various forms of birth control on my own. States and towns are continually battling about how best to education their children about sexual safety. The Illinois Senate recently passed a bill mandating that contraceptives be added to the curriculum for grades six through 12 (currently, they’re only required to teach about abstinence as a form of pregnancy and STD prevention). According to the Chicago Tribune, “Sen. Dan Duffy, R-Lake Barrington, argued that teaching students anything more than abstinence would encourage them to have sex.”

This argument comes up repeatedly and always sounds like the most ignorant thing in the world to me. Not only does making abstinence the standard not work for those who aren’t going to choose it, it also means that those who are having sex, or are simply curious about it, are going to have fewer people to ask questions about sex. It makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them for having those desires. News flash: there’s not. We should all be angry that those who want to promote abstinence as the best method for teenagers can’t open their eyes enough to see that not everyone is going to follow that rule.

Furthermore, the shame, ignorance and misinformation that can brew in those who are just starting on their sexual journey is dangerous. Central Florida Future guest columnist Anna Eskamimi writes, “My high school's sexual education program revolved around us, the students, being made scared to have sex. I remember, quite explicitly, hearing premarital sex compared to used bubblegum — ‘Who would want to chew used bubblegum?’ — was our guest speaker's main argument.”

Please read the whole thing and if you like it, spread the word (there are buttons at the top, or feel free to reTweet me or @SexisMagazine, always much appreciated)!

"Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?"

I think this is the first time I've explicitly revisited a topic I'd covered for The Village Voice in this column, so I tried to make it really different from that one from 2006, which touched more on race and penis size stereotypes. The result is "Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?" I didn’t even have room (ha!) for the penis size map in this column (actually kindof forgot and it’s a long column anyway). I do talk about Steve-O’s tattoo, small celebrity penises, porn as a culprit, sexual insecurity, penis enlargement, benefits of the small penis, small penis porn and more. Thanks for reading!

"Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" - new column up

I mention Cindy Gallop’s TED Books e-book Make Love Not Porn (which despite the title is not anti-porn, see link below), Thought Catalog’s Sleeping With a Slut" essay and "beginner’s mind" in this column, "Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" Considering that I run into exes or ex-flings all over the place, it’s a timely topic. Love that a friend said: “forewarned is forearmed” re: running into exes. Indeed!

My SexIs Magazine Secrets of a Sex Writer one-year columnversary

I realized I never really marked the one-year anniversary of my column so here's all of them to date. You can always read the latest one by clicking here. Tomorrow's mentions beginner's mind, Cindy Gallop's e-book Make Love Not Porn and quotes a piece on sleeping with a slut from Thought Catalog! They usually go up around noon, every other Wednesday. You can also follow @SexIsMagazine on Twitter.

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage"

"Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?" (personal favorite!)

"Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating"

"Yes, Even Sex Writers and Call Girls Get Jealous"

"Skype Sex for Dummies"

"Is Social Media Ruining Your Sex Life?"

"An Ode to Pussy Waxing"

"My Year in Sex"

"Is The Handjob Passé?"

"Education Myself About AIDS"

"Sleeping With Married People"

"Ex Sex (Toys)"

"Attention Deficit?"

"The Nonconsensual Play Party Voyeur"

"Like a (Very Experienced) Virgin"

"Internet Dating Pros and Cons"

"Erotica Writes and Wrongs" (advice for submitting to my anthologies)

"10 Things I Want From My Next Relationship"

"Letting Someone Into My Bed"

"A Little Bit Poly"

"Loving My Body—Kinda, Sorta, Sometimes" - reprinted on Jezebel

"My Domme Side"

"Girl Crushes, Bisexuality and Bi-Curiousness"

"My 'Trendy' Post-Breakup Celibacy"

"'Are Your Breasts Real?' and Other Questions Not to Ask a Sex Writer"

Yes, my Seattle June 27th will be this hot

And you should be there. Or wish you were there. It's free and Naked Girls Reading will be reading almost naked and I and Shanna Germain will be reading and signing Gotta Have It: 69 Stories of Sudden Sex. And there are free cupcakes! I'll be in Seattle this weekend for vacation and fun and CupcakeCamp Seattle...in June I'll be there for the Rock N Roll Marathon, which I just may be walking solo (helpful hint: don't make plans nine months in advance with anyone and expect them to stay in place) and for this fantabulous very special reading. As I've said before, I quit In The Flesh because I couldn't afford the time and financial costs, and this is the last year I'll be doing the same amount of readings unless someone else is flying me there (meaning, this is the last year I will be doing a lot of readings). I am hoping to get out to California in 2012 to do some readings with Susie Bright for Best Sex Writing 2012 (deadline May 1 and it's already shaping up amazingly).

Anyway...crazy busy time but I wanted to share this hot flyer with you. If you like it, do me a favor and head over to Facebook and share the news about this reading. Or just copy and paste. Whatever works.



June 27, 6-8 pm, FREE
Babeland, 707 E. Pike Street, Seattle
Gotta Have It reading

Join Gotta Have It editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, contributor Shanna Germain ("Genesis") and burlesque performers Jesse Belle-Jones, Polly Wood and Heidi Von Haught from Naked Girls Reading for a fun, fabulous event at Babeland Seattle for short, sexy readings from Gotta Have It: 69 Stories of Sudden Sex, plus free cupcakes! Free copies of SexIs Magazine will be given away.

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage" - latest column at SexIs Magazine

Click through to read my latest column at SexIs Magazine, "Unpacking My Relationship Baggage."

Susie Bright interview and slut-shaming article at Alternet

Heading to DC this weekend - excited for Momentumcon, but kindof wish this were a stay-in-NYC-and-be-warm-and-catch-up-on-scary-to-do-list weekend. That'll have to be next weekend, I supposed. Very behind but determined to put Best Bondage Erotica 2011 and my kinky couples anthology (deadlines today!) to bed before I leave for Seattle in two weeks. Or as damn close as I can get. I have this mantra on repeat kindof like "I think I can," but in my case it's "The perfect is the enemy of the good." In-fucking-deed.

I interviewed Susie Bright for SexIs Magazine about her memoir Big Sex Little Death.



I wrote "Slut Shame: Why Are We Still Attacking Women for Having Sex?" at Alternet.

I didn't write either headline.

Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?

That's the question I ask and answer in my latest Secrets of a Sex Writer column at SexIs Magazine.



“The best part of sex is cuddling.” That’s something a male lover once told me and I’ve always remembered it. I was surprised to hear it from him because he was very into the sex were were having, and is someone I’d consider a very sexual person, though also a very sensitive person. I don’t know why, I just didn’t expect him to say that, but I was glad he did. It was a bit of a revelation for me—men like cuddling too! Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I think I’ll take a hot, fast fuck over cuddling. But lots of people don’t want to choose between them.

When I opened up the package that arrived recently at my post office box and saw a stuffed doll, I at first thought it was something I could give to one of my friends’ kids. Then I took a closer look and discovered that this unexpected gift was actually a fair trade sex product, marketed as “My After Sex Buddy,” made by a collective of single mothers in Columbia (really!). I put him and the marketing materials away in my bag, and he’s lived on my couch ever since. Mind you, I’m someone who sleeps with a giant Hello Kitty doll atop my other pillows. I wouldn’t say I cuddle with her, but I do sometimes nuzzle my face into her softness and talk to her, not in the way I would a lover, more as a way to say things I don’t think I have anyone human to say them to.

Keep reading

Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating

Click through to read my latest SexIs Magazine column, "Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating."

"Skype Sex for Dummies" - my latest sex column

My latest sex column for SexIs Magazine is called "Skype Sex for Dummies." That is probably the last sexytime for me til I turn 36 in November - going on a sex/dating fast, for real this time. Maybe I'll write about it, but first, a bazillion deadlines are hammering at me. I can feel the pressure tightening up my shoulders. Anyway, next column is on jealousy. After that, who knows? Happy to have the new computer, hustling for writing gigs to prove that I deserved to buy it, if only to myself. Aside from my 3 readings - at The Cove, Bluestockings and McNally Jackson on the 12th, 14th and 17th, respectively (all details in my latest newsletter - sign up for it in your inbox on left-hand side at rachelkramerbussel.com), I'm mostly taking this and probably next month "off." As best I can. I need a break from people. So no offense, it's really not personal, I just need some special solo time with my laptop and my thoughts and my soon-to-be-organized-ish apartment. I think I can safely say you probably wouldn't want to be around me in these next few weeks anyway. I am happy to finally embrace my inner loner and really give myself the time I need to try. Maybe I'll fail, but maybe I'll actually get through some of the pieces I've been wanting to write and not feel so under the gun all the time. It's a terrible, paralyzing, awful feeling, at least, for me. If I didn't have any ideas in my head, I'd be fine with skipping along through life, but I do, and when they wind up as nothing more than to do list items is when I see how much time I waste. Been thinking that New York is not really the right fit for me, especially if I want to lay low and not go out. NYC is many things, but not really the place for a homebody. I don't have any other candidates in mind, nor cash reserves to make that a reality any time probably before 2013, but it's rattling around in my head as a little fantasy. Maybe I'll manage a weekend away and come back loving NYC again, or maybe I've just grown up and outgrown it. Time will tell.

I will be hosting some readings on March 26th at the Rainbow Book Fair and will have news soon, I hope, about another project that weekend that you aspiring erotica writers might be interested in. For now, though, head, meet grindstone. Not complaining, just doing what I should've been doing for, oh, the last decade. Speaking of which, it pains me to have to turn down a panel at NYU's Bobst Library - how many hours did I spend in there? Okay, not that many cause I was in the law library, but still. Alas, I got asked to do something the weekend I'll be in Seattle for the Rock 'N Roll Marathon. And I know I should literally not give it a second thought, because I already have a commitment, but there is a part of me, the crazy part, that thought, "Well, maybe I should cancel that trip..." I know, ludicrous. Hopefully I'll get asked next year, and if not, so be it. I'm figuring out that there are many opportunities that might come one's way and that you don't actually have to say yes to all of them. Fancy that.

Me and Twanna

This photo is of me and one of my best friends, Twanna A. Hines. We both write for the online edition of SexIs Magazine (we're holding up the print edition, which is free if you click that link and request a copy. Thanks to Victoria for being so fabulous to work with and taking this photo, at the very last In The Flesh. Twanna's latest piece for SexIs is "How to Make Love to a Black Woman" and mine is "An Ode to Pussy Waxing". And I'm quoting her in my column next week about sex and social media! It was inspired by a Very Bad Date in LA, so it's fitting that it's going up right before I head back to LA.

New sex column: "An Ode to Pussy Waxing"

My latest sex column is "An Ode to Pussy Waxing." After that I am finally, finally writing about sex and social media. After that...I'm not sure. If you have column topic ideas, email me at rachelkramerbussel at gmail.com - I also have another interview coming up at SexIs, with Shameless author Pamela Madsen, about erotic massage (and more!).

Private Mile High Club company Mile High Flights in UK shut down

From SexIs Magazine:

Ever wanted to join the Mile High Club without the added stress of possibly being discovered? Mike Crisp has been fulfilling that dream for people since 2008 with his company Mile High Flights, and their Cessna C208 Caravan is fitted with a queen size bed in back.

For just $854, a couple can go on "The Big One," which is a 40-minute flight. Add $166 to that if you'd like to include a third person.

Unfortunately, the CAA has refused to recertify the Gloucestershire, England company, citing the sex as the reason. Apparently, the CAA thinks it's too distracting, that the pilot's eyes will be on the couple in back, and not the literal mile between them and certain doom.



Interestingly, Milehighclub.com (logo above) offers links to various services similar to these in Atlanta, Chicago, Michigan, Belgium and Honolulu! And had a link to this one. In grammar news, they meant to say "discreet" instead of "discrete."

I didn't even know that these services were offered when I edited The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories or I'd have made sure there was a private mile high club story. Now I want to try one of these!

My Year in Sex

My Year in Sex

"My name is Rachel, and I'm an attention whore."

So much so that I hope that opening line will get you to keep reading my latest sex column, "Attention Deficit?"

Sex column: "The Nonconsensual Play Party Voyeur" and vain attempt at catchup

I clearly don't have much time to update this blog - not sure if/when that will change but you can keep up to date by becoming my fan on Facebook, where I post articles I've written and news mentions. You can also keep up with me daily on Twitter (@raquelita) and Tumblr, where I also offer free books to Amazon reviewers when they're out (right now I am looking for 20 reviewers for the extremely hot Best Bondage Erotica 2011 - click here for details, until that link is no longer active and I've gotten all my reviewers lined up, that book comes out in November, just in time for my 35th birthday).

My latest Secrets of a Sex Writer column is called The Nonconsensual Play Party Voyeur.

When I was in my mid-twenties and just starting to discover my kinkiness, I went to a lot of play parties. I was never much of a participant, but I liked being a voyeur, seeing the things I’d previously only read about come to life right before me. I could watch someone—not porn stars, just regular people—get punched, spanked, flogged, whipped, tickled, teased, tortured, fisted, live and in person.

Attending events taught me there was a community of fellow perverts who were into some of the same things I was, and even if we didn’t share a specific kink, there was a commonality of spirit. I liked the rules that went along with BDSM, the mantra of “safe, sane and consensual.” That made complete sense to me.

Over the past few years, I’ve shied away from public sex or play parties because I prefer my bouts of limited exhibitionism to take place in other arenas. Recently, though, I found myself at a party I hadn’t consented to attend—I hadn’t even known it was a play party.

I can’t reveal too much about the logistics or specifics, but I can say that because I wasn’t prepared, I felt not only out of place, but extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t have a date, which I don’t mind, but I couldn’t relax. I was surrounded by complete strangers and had to wait to get a ride in order to leave. I felt trapped.

Read the whole thing at SexIs Magazine.

I wrote about the big new national sex survey and quoted Debby Herbenick, PhD, and author of Because if Feels Good, at Lemondrop, where I wrote about my tattoo (and garnered 344 comments, none of which I've read, because I'm smart like that).

I have two very exciting interviews coming up at Lemondrop, so stay tuned, and will soon be writing for the must-read site, The Nervous Breakdown, whose book club I also highly recommend (first two picks were Room by Emma Donoghue and Exley by Brock Clarke). It's $9.99 a month in the U.S. and books arrive at your door, along with, at times, bonus books, like the Merge Records history. Presents in the mail and intelligent discussion about them and unexpected literary treasures? Do check it out.

My 2010 IPPY Gold Award winning book Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories (click to watch sexy SoHo Grand-shot champagne, lingerie and kissing book trailer and read TOC and intro) was given a shoutout in Canada's Globe and Mail as a good book to read for those who want to talk dirty. I concur! From the piece:

Your boyfriend has (like many men) never fully expounded on what it is he wants? Divert. Pick up an anthology of erotica. Suggestions: Do Not Disturb, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel; Lips Like Sugar, edited by Violet Blue or Russell Smith’s collection Diana: A Diary in the Second Person. Propose story time and read aloud to your paramour. Note carefully what each of you responds to. Even if you do not get to the end of the story, you may want to keep your librarian glasses on.

Erotica gives you a script. You did not invent this naughty story; you are merely one of its players. Talking dirty makes for role-play. And role-play? Ms. Rosenblat says: “Once you are in character, it is the perfect way for women to give feedback. Then he feels like a porn star and she gets the sex she wants.”

My reading series In The Flesh ends December 16th with a blowout event. The next reading is October 21st, Orgasm Night, with 5 (yes, 5!) readers from all over the country from my book Orgasmic: Erotic Stories for Women plus authors I'm so lucky to have and you will not want to miss! See the site for full lineup. Also mark your calendars: I'm having a public 35th birthday celebration and Passion: Erotic Romance for Women reading, again with authors coming in from Berkeley and Washington, DC (aka, not people you can see here all the time). That, along with free cupcakes, happens November 11th at 7 pm at Word, 126 Franklin Avenue, Greenpoint, Brooklyn, right off the G train.

Look for Passion ads in the November issue of Romance Writers Report (for the Romance Writers of America authors reading this) and on the sites Romance Divas and Smart Bitches Trashy Books. I need bloggers for the virtual book tour in November - you get an assigned day in November and in exchange you get a free book and write about it on that day. Email passionateantho at gmail.com with your URL and mailing address! The sexy kissing book trailer will be out soon too.

My calls for submissions page has now been updated to reflect the calls for the 2011 collections Women in Lust, a couples erotica anthology and Going Down: Oral Sex Erotica. My 2012 calls will be coming soon.

And October 16-17 I will be walking 39 miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Wish me luck! Click on that link if you'd like to donate.

This is what happens when I don't blog for a while. Ha! I'm working on not making promises or plans I can't keep, so again, use the links above to find me, and I occasionally post photos from my iPhone to Flickr. Like this one from when I was sitting at a Starbucks in Burbank and saw the Los Angeles Times folded to reveal this:

Sex column: "Like a (Very Experienced) Virgin"

My latest sex column, "Like a (Very Experienced) Virgin," is up now at SexIs Magazine, talking about losing my virginity at age 17, Easy A, and The Virginity Hit.



It’s hard to believe that 17 years—half my life—ago, I lost my virginity, by which I mean, had sex with a man for the first time. I remember it very clearly: He was 31, which now sounds scandalous, but back then made me feel totally cool. An older man was interested in me! I didn’t know anything about condoms or birth control or sex. I didn’t know about orgasms or BDSM or even masturbation (I was a nerdy late bloomer), but I remember I totally wanted to do it. I probably thought I was in love, though I don’t even remember his last name.

I liked the way he’d lift my wrist to smell my Body Shop vanilla perfume (a scent I still wear). I liked the way he’d lean over me while I placed address labels on envelopes (we worked together). I liked the way he looked at me and made me feel wanted. I liked that he made me feel, much more than my diploma did, like I was an adult.

Read the whle column at SexIs Magazine