"Never Have I Ever" sex column

My latest column is pretty personal. It's called "Never Have I Ever". As always, if you like it, spreading the word via the buttons at the top of the column or posting it is always much appreciated!



Going back to those never have I ever fantasies, some of them are as extreme as running a marathon, something I’m pretty sure I’d never do. There’s a small part of me that wants to explore them, but so many variables would have to align in exactly the right ways. Maybe they will someday, but right now I know, similar to how I have to work on my core so I can be stable for running, I have to get the rest of my life—my health, my finances, my home, my writing—in order if I’m going to approach sex in a way that enhances my life. Again, I know this isn’t everyone’s path, but when life gets too out of control, my instinct is to pull back, especially from interactions with other people where there’s a high likelihood that I or they might get hurt emotionally. It feels selfish in some ways to make me the sole priority in my life (I realize how crazy that sounds even as I’m typing it), but it’s the only thing I feel I can dedicate myself to.

That commitment to self-improvement is certainly something I haven’t done in quite the methodical way I am now. I’ve tackled bits and pieces—declaring bankruptcy here, hiring a personal organizer there, finally going to the dentist after five years—but this year, this crazy year of being 35, I’m finally forcing myself to face a lot of realities I’ve been too stubborn or sad or wishful to look at head-on before. It’s certainly not easy and my favorite vices—food, sex, shopping—are ones I’m also trying to leave behind. Obviously, I still have to eat, I’m still a sexual being and I still need to make purchases, but I mean leave behind using them in self-destructive ways, especially sex, because I don’t want to drag anyone else into my madness.

Read the whole thing

Sex After 50: The Naked Truth, new column

My latest column, "Sex After 50: The Naked Truth" quotes Naked at Our Age author Joan Price, who's about to go on a book tour, Sugar in My Bowl editor Erica Jong and more on senior sex. If you like the column, there are buttons at the top of it to spread the word - as always, that's much appreciated!



Joan Price is 67 and wants you to know that sex doesn’t stop at 50—or 60, 70 or 80 and 90!

The author of Better Than I Ever Expected is back with a new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Seal Press), inspired by the many readers who wrote to her asking about how to deal with issues ranging from vulvar pain to breakups, illnesses such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as “dating while older,” erectile dysfunction, divorce, grief, even hiring people for sex or erotc touch. The tone of the book is supportive but realistic; Price isn’t telling seniors to expect to have the exact same kinds or frequency of sex, but instead that if you’re adaptable, sex can continue (with yourself and others) for one’s entire lifetime.

Throughout the book, Price and a series of experts such as Charlie Glickman, Lou Paget, Carol Queen, and Candida Royalle offer tips related to specific queries in concise, practical responses. Price is a big sex toy advocate as well. “When I review a sex toy on my blog, I concentrate on what it does well (or is supposed to do well!), and how well it works from a senior perspective. e.g. It shouldn’t hurt arthritic wrists; it should last as long as we need without overheating or turning itself off, and more.”

Read the whole column

New column: "I'm Still Bisexual Even Though I'm Dating a Guy"

The more I type that column title, the more "duh" and obvious it sounds but still, it was something I felt was worth writing about. I'm always casting about for new column topics - one will definitely deal with Joan Price and her new book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and elder sexuality. Maybe I can find something in London to write about! Still working on my Weinergate kinky sexting essay which I might just blog instead of going through the pitching rigamarole.



In some ways, my embrace of bisexual is also about a rejection of heteronormativity, of all the parts of straightness that feel oppressive to me. Yes, there are privileges accorded to straight people, but I feel there are also burdens; it’s assumed that you want to get married and become a parent and be monogamous. Stepping outside any of those roles messes with the dominant culture’s plans for you. I’d like to think being part of the LGBT community has made me more open and empathetic, and showed me how people are, in fact, so much more than any label.

What’s interesting to me is that this title, bisexual, is important to me, It's something I feel I carry no matter who I’m dating, or not dating, whereas “poly” and “kinky” are not intrinsic parts of my identity. They are things I have been at various times in my life, or rather, my relationships have been. Bisexuality is different for me, perhaps because it feels more primal than either being poly or kinky — not that they need to be pitted against each other. I used to struggle with the word “bisexual” because it implies there are only two sexes or genders, which is not something I believe, but it’s a shorthand that, in general, works for me.

My bisexuality has also played itself out in almost all of my relationships in some form. Often the form it takes is in talking dirty, and sometimes it’s gone beyond that. One girlfriend, who was pretty much exclusively into women, indulged my interest in a male friend of ours with a threesome. With most of the straight men I’ve dated, not surprisingly, they’ve been interested in fantasizing aloud about me with another woman or hearing about my own fantasies. I certainly feel freer when I have a boyfriend sharing my fantasies about women, real or imagined, than I do about other men.

Read the whole column (and if you like it, I'd love it if you'd "like" it on Facebook at the top and/or tweet, blog, etc. - all that really helps!)

New column: "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions"

I was late so my column, "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions," which mentions my friend Ellen Friedrichs, abstinence only craziness, Joyce T. McFadden's book Your Daughter's Bedroom and Violet Blue's The Smart Girl's Guide to the G-Spot, ran this week instead of last week; next week's will be up on Wednesday, June 15th, and that night is the Big Jewcy party at Brooklyn Winery!



A little excerpt:


At the same time, I’m grateful to have even gotten some of the basics. I wasn’t getting it on in high school, but I was curious, and with my first partner I had to investigate various forms of birth control on my own. States and towns are continually battling about how best to education their children about sexual safety. The Illinois Senate recently passed a bill mandating that contraceptives be added to the curriculum for grades six through 12 (currently, they’re only required to teach about abstinence as a form of pregnancy and STD prevention). According to the Chicago Tribune, “Sen. Dan Duffy, R-Lake Barrington, argued that teaching students anything more than abstinence would encourage them to have sex.”

This argument comes up repeatedly and always sounds like the most ignorant thing in the world to me. Not only does making abstinence the standard not work for those who aren’t going to choose it, it also means that those who are having sex, or are simply curious about it, are going to have fewer people to ask questions about sex. It makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them for having those desires. News flash: there’s not. We should all be angry that those who want to promote abstinence as the best method for teenagers can’t open their eyes enough to see that not everyone is going to follow that rule.

Furthermore, the shame, ignorance and misinformation that can brew in those who are just starting on their sexual journey is dangerous. Central Florida Future guest columnist Anna Eskamimi writes, “My high school's sexual education program revolved around us, the students, being made scared to have sex. I remember, quite explicitly, hearing premarital sex compared to used bubblegum — ‘Who would want to chew used bubblegum?’ — was our guest speaker's main argument.”

Please read the whole thing and if you like it, spread the word (there are buttons at the top, or feel free to reTweet me or @SexisMagazine, always much appreciated)!

"Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?"

I think this is the first time I've explicitly revisited a topic I'd covered for The Village Voice in this column, so I tried to make it really different from that one from 2006, which touched more on race and penis size stereotypes. The result is "Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?" I didn’t even have room (ha!) for the penis size map in this column (actually kindof forgot and it’s a long column anyway). I do talk about Steve-O’s tattoo, small celebrity penises, porn as a culprit, sexual insecurity, penis enlargement, benefits of the small penis, small penis porn and more. Thanks for reading!

"Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" - new column up

I mention Cindy Gallop’s TED Books e-book Make Love Not Porn (which despite the title is not anti-porn, see link below), Thought Catalog’s Sleeping With a Slut" essay and "beginner’s mind" in this column, "Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" Considering that I run into exes or ex-flings all over the place, it’s a timely topic. Love that a friend said: “forewarned is forearmed” re: running into exes. Indeed!

My SexIs Magazine Secrets of a Sex Writer one-year columnversary

I realized I never really marked the one-year anniversary of my column so here's all of them to date. You can always read the latest one by clicking here. Tomorrow's mentions beginner's mind, Cindy Gallop's e-book Make Love Not Porn and quotes a piece on sleeping with a slut from Thought Catalog! They usually go up around noon, every other Wednesday. You can also follow @SexIsMagazine on Twitter.

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage"

"Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?" (personal favorite!)

"Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating"

"Yes, Even Sex Writers and Call Girls Get Jealous"

"Skype Sex for Dummies"

"Is Social Media Ruining Your Sex Life?"

"An Ode to Pussy Waxing"

"My Year in Sex"

"Is The Handjob Passé?"

"Education Myself About AIDS"

"Sleeping With Married People"

"Ex Sex (Toys)"

"Attention Deficit?"

"The Nonconsensual Play Party Voyeur"

"Like a (Very Experienced) Virgin"

"Internet Dating Pros and Cons"

"Erotica Writes and Wrongs" (advice for submitting to my anthologies)

"10 Things I Want From My Next Relationship"

"Letting Someone Into My Bed"

"A Little Bit Poly"

"Loving My Body—Kinda, Sorta, Sometimes" - reprinted on Jezebel

"My Domme Side"

"Girl Crushes, Bisexuality and Bi-Curiousness"

"My 'Trendy' Post-Breakup Celibacy"

"'Are Your Breasts Real?' and Other Questions Not to Ask a Sex Writer"

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage" - latest column at SexIs Magazine

Click through to read my latest column at SexIs Magazine, "Unpacking My Relationship Baggage."

Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?

That's the question I ask and answer in my latest Secrets of a Sex Writer column at SexIs Magazine.



“The best part of sex is cuddling.” That’s something a male lover once told me and I’ve always remembered it. I was surprised to hear it from him because he was very into the sex were were having, and is someone I’d consider a very sexual person, though also a very sensitive person. I don’t know why, I just didn’t expect him to say that, but I was glad he did. It was a bit of a revelation for me—men like cuddling too! Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I think I’ll take a hot, fast fuck over cuddling. But lots of people don’t want to choose between them.

When I opened up the package that arrived recently at my post office box and saw a stuffed doll, I at first thought it was something I could give to one of my friends’ kids. Then I took a closer look and discovered that this unexpected gift was actually a fair trade sex product, marketed as “My After Sex Buddy,” made by a collective of single mothers in Columbia (really!). I put him and the marketing materials away in my bag, and he’s lived on my couch ever since. Mind you, I’m someone who sleeps with a giant Hello Kitty doll atop my other pillows. I wouldn’t say I cuddle with her, but I do sometimes nuzzle my face into her softness and talk to her, not in the way I would a lover, more as a way to say things I don’t think I have anyone human to say them to.

Keep reading

Kiri Blakeley on her gay fiancé, dating in New York and her memoir Can't Think Straight

Some of you caught Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love author Kiri Blakeley doing her very first reading from the book at Comedy Sex Night at In The Flesh last November. I just interviewed her for SexIs Magazine about finding out her fiancé was gay, dating in New York (she paints a very vivid picture of the confusion that can cause for women who like men), sexual orientation and whether her memoir is a "slut-fest."



One of the most compelling people describe in your book is James. You wrote: “For James, and men like him, fucking a girl was like watching a movie—something to do to pass the time.” You admit that when you started dating again, you were like that too—at first. Was that important because you felt you missed out on something by meeting Aaron so early?

I met Aaron when I was 26, so it wasn’t that early, but I had not dated much before him. I lost my virginity very late, at 24. I never was the type to sleep around. So yes, suddenly, when I got out of this relationship, I felt the need to go a bit wild.

Frankly, I was horny. I was in my mid-thirties, a peak sexual time for women, I felt comfortable with my body and what I wanted, I felt confident in my sexual abilities, and also, very important, I hadn’t had much of a sex life in the past five years. Aaron hadn’t shown much interest in it--for reasons that became obvious later--and I eventually lost interest, too.

Read the whole interview here


click above to buy on Amazon, where I wrote this review below. There's a line that I can't find but it was something about holding hands and I wish I'd had my usually ever-present stickie flags with me while reading (note to self, keep stickie flags on you at all times!) because it really was this perfect, perfect line):

In this often-humorous memoir, Kiri Blakeley explores both the aftermath of her ten-year relationship after her fiancé comes out as gay, as well as her emergence into a NYC dating world that is very different from the one she had encountered in her twenties. There is lots of drama here, from checking a lover's text messages and online dating profile to figuring out whether she can, or even wants to, have casual sex. Blakeley also goes from anger at her fiancé to a friendship that evolves along with her outlook on their years together; the scenes where they reunite show the resilience of their relationship, now in its platonic form, as well as the loneliness each of them feels as they move forward with their new lives.

Her relationship with James, who makes it clear he wants a casual relationship, a friendship, and is seeing other people (as is, at times, Blakeley), is both the most disturbed and problematic, but also the most compelling. After he says that can be both friends and lovers, while encouraging her to go on dates with others, she writes: "Sometime in the very early morning, I feel him tightly curling his hand around mine. When I attempt to pry my fingers from his so I can go to the kitchen to get water, he grunts his disapproval and clings tighter. It's moments like these that kept me coming back, I suppose."

There were times I wanted to yell at Blakeley, tell her she's better than some of the guys giving her the runaround, but she captures both her sense of freedom (albeit involuntary freedom) tempered with her increasing sense of attachment to her lovers. The ongoing drama makes for a gripping as well as realistic read, and the "mixed-up" of the title refers not only to her former fiancé, but to her as she tries online dating and the pickup scene, while assessing what went wrong (and right) with her ex. For any SATC fan, this is the real thing.

Private Mile High Club company Mile High Flights in UK shut down

From SexIs Magazine:

Ever wanted to join the Mile High Club without the added stress of possibly being discovered? Mike Crisp has been fulfilling that dream for people since 2008 with his company Mile High Flights, and their Cessna C208 Caravan is fitted with a queen size bed in back.

For just $854, a couple can go on "The Big One," which is a 40-minute flight. Add $166 to that if you'd like to include a third person.

Unfortunately, the CAA has refused to recertify the Gloucestershire, England company, citing the sex as the reason. Apparently, the CAA thinks it's too distracting, that the pilot's eyes will be on the couple in back, and not the literal mile between them and certain doom.



Interestingly, Milehighclub.com (logo above) offers links to various services similar to these in Atlanta, Chicago, Michigan, Belgium and Honolulu! And had a link to this one. In grammar news, they meant to say "discreet" instead of "discrete."

I didn't even know that these services were offered when I edited The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories or I'd have made sure there was a private mile high club story. Now I want to try one of these!

"My name is Rachel, and I'm an attention whore."

So much so that I hope that opening line will get you to keep reading my latest sex column, "Attention Deficit?"