Vajayjay: Do We Need That Word, Oprah?

Many bloggers and YouTubers have commented on Oprah's use of the cutesy "va-jay-jay" during her otherwise open discussions about women's sexuality. She didn't invent the term -- the then-pregnant character Dr. Miranda Bailey introduced the term on Grey's Anatomy on Feb. 12, 2006, when she chastised a male intern by saying, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

The term caught on rapidly, especially after Oprah adopted it, and even the New York Times discussed the vajajay trend. According to the NYT, Grey's Anatomy's creator and executive producer Shonda Rhimes fought to use vagina in the script instead:

"I had written an episode during the second season of ‘Grey’s’ in which we used the word vagina a great many times (perhaps 11),” Ms. Rhimes wrote in an e-mail message. “Now, we’d once used the word penis 17 times in a single episode and no one blinked. But with vagina, the good folks at broadcast standards and practices blinked over and over and over. I think no one is comfortable experiencing the female anatomy out loud — which is a shame considering our anatomy is half the population.”

Now you hear "vajayjay"on television shows, read it in blogs, see spoofs on YouTube (don't miss The Soup: Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay, and accept it as the cute, friendly, non-graphic, inoffensive way to say vagina or vulva. (The vagina is the canal; the vulva includes the whole area: labia, clitoris, pubic mound, and vagina.) As the linguist John H. McWhorter said, as quoted in the NYT, “It sounds warm and familiar and it almost makes the vagina feel like a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around.”

It occurred to me that if Oprah adopted "pe-pee-pee" as her pet word for "penis," it wouldn't sound as endearing.

Tell me, do you find "vajayjay" a useful addition to our lexicon? Do you like it? Do you use it? Personally, I prefer vajayjay to other, more demeaning slang words for female genitals, but I'd rather hear the anatomical terms normalized and accepted.

How about you?

"Elderspeak" Hurts Our Health

How do you feel when a stranger, sales clerk, or health professional calls you "dear" or "sweetie"? In a widely reprinted New York Times article titled "In ‘Sweetie’ and ‘Dear,’ a Hurt for the Elderly" (October 6, 2008), writer John Leland reveals that elderspeak, "the sweetly belittling form of address" that we've all experienced, can have health consequences. In addition, if we accept and internalize that aging means we're forgetful or feeble, we don't live as long -- just by believing the negative image of aging.


Becca Levy, an associate professor of epidemiology and psychology at Yale University studies the health effects of belittling messages on elderly people. “Those who have more negative images of aging have worse functional health over time, including lower rates of survival," she says.

According to the New York Times article,

In a long-term survey of 660 people over age 50 in a small Ohio town, published in 2002, Dr. Levy and her fellow researchers found that those who had positive perceptions of aging lived an average of 7.5 years longer, a bigger increase than that associated with exercising or not smoking. The findings held up even when the researchers controlled for differences in the participants’ health conditions.

Health care workers are often the worst offenders of "elderspeak," believing that they are using affectionate terms rather than belittling ones. Yet elderspeak sends a message that we are incompetent, childlike, and need to be taken care of. Over time, people exposed constantly to this message actually become more dependent and withdrawn, less self-reliant or competent.

Personally, I wouldn't have guessed this. I'm about to turn 65 (tomorrow!) and I rather like terms of endearment, even from strangers. Robert used to love to go to a particular restaurant because the waitress called him "honey." I take these endearments as they're meant, as warm and friendly overtures, without belittling undertones that I'm incompetent or feeble.

But that may be because I know I am strong mentally (writing books) and physically (dancing, Pilates, lifting weights). If I had doubts about my abilities, perhaps elderspeak would reinforce them.

Certainly having positive images of aging is essential for moving through this part of our life journey with joy and energy -- but does a stranger or health professional calling us "sweetie" really call that into question? Not for me -- but I'd love to hear from you about this.

If it does bother you, do you speak up? Do you say, "My name is...." or respond, "Thank you, darling"?

Looking for "Granny Sex"?

OK, I have to ask you -- if you arrived at this site because you typed "granny sex" into your search engine, what were you hoping or expecting to find? I'm sincerely curious! Were you hoping to find an affirmation of older-age sexuality? (if so, you're in the right place!) Or did you use those search words because you're intrigued by what your grandmother might be doing behind closed doors? Or because you expect to get a giggle from a site that makes fun of elder sex? I'm just wondering... I hope you'll comment!

If you're wondering why I'm asking this, it turns out that many people arrive here because they searched "granny sex." Far more of you search by "sexy seniors" or "senior sex" or "sex after sixty," and that makes sense. But this "granny sex" idea puzzles me, and I hope you'll respond! (You can either click "comments" below or email me, your choice.

2/6/08 update: As readers continue to use "granny sex" in emails to me and comments on this blog, as well as the search words that bring you here, I've come to understand that the term is not meant disrespectfully. In fact, a few of you have written me using "granny sex" quite lovingly. Is this term used outside the US more commonly than it is here, I wonder...?

Don't call me a "little old lady"!

I'm always surprised by how acceptable it is in our society to call older people disparaging names.

I was reading a newspaper article today about Barack Obama's popularity in Illinois, which quoted Emil Jones Jr, president of the Illinois Senate, as saying, "Sitting across the table from me was a little old lady, said she was 86 years old," who hoped she'd live long enough to vote for Obama for President.

I was startled by reading this mature woman described as "a little old lady," and I didn't like it. OK, I'm little (4' 10"), 63 years old, and female -- but "little old lady" belittles my maturity and experience and sounds like it would be uttered while patting me on the head. Didn't the 86-year-old elder deserve a more dignified description? If she had been male, would she have been described by Mr. Jones as "an old geezer"?

When the creeps trashed my blog, they talked about it among themselves (yes, I was able to electronically eavesdrop) as "the old lady's sex blog." That amused more than insulted me, because it was so far from the truth of what happens here or who I am. But it's part of the bigger picture of older people being seen as subjects of ridicule, especially regarding sexuality.

I know there's no consensus about what to call older people without offending us! I like the term "senior," although I know some dislike it. I like "elder" because it connotes wisdom and sounds respectful, even reverent -- but I don't feel old enough to deserve being called an elder. "Mature" is a nice adjective, though "mature adult" sounds stilted.

What do you like to be called? Which terms feel dignified to you? Which feel belittling? Post a comment or email me, and let's talk about this. Young people, you can chime in, too -- is it a dilemma knowing what to call us? What about what we call you?

Looking forward to your comments,

Joan

Who Called In the Creeps?

I apologize profusely to any readers who were subjected to the dozens of nasty and profane comments that were posted to my blog the morning of Dec. 5. I deleted them and easily traced the trashing of my blog to an organized attack led by the fan message board of a shock-jock radio show.

The listeners apparently found the idea of joyful senior sex icky and set out to trash "the old lady sex blog," as they called it, by posting more than 40 obscene, racist, sexist, ageist, offensive messages.

Wow, this really surprised me, and continues to.

Too many people with too much time on their hands, too much meanness in their hearts, and too little capacity for intimacy, perhaps. I wonder how they treat their grandparents. We might discuss their fears of aging and sexuality, and their need to keep us as the "other" -- easy, even enjoyable, to stereotype and demean.

If you've tried to post a comment and it hasn't been accepted, I'm being particularly careful here because they've tried to continue the assault with comments that pretend to be sympathetic.

Chris Smith wrote a nice paragraph about me in his column in the Press Democrat Dec. 5, and I had many new visitors that morning. I hope they realize that I was sabotaged, and they don't stay away because of what they read before I got to it. I've changed my settings so that now I'll moderate all comments before they appear. Sorry it was necessary.

-- Joan

12/7 update: I was able to listen to the radio show that set off this assault by reading aloud from this blog for many minutes. I sent this note to the producer, who invited me to appear on the show:

I heard [the hosts] discuss my topic, book, blog, and the personal stories of those who opened their lives to me. I choose to preserve a level of dignity about older people enjoying sex and intimacy that is at odds with the show's glee at ridiculing them.

Therefore, I decline your invitation.

More on ABC Nightline show

On Friday, Dec. 1, ABC Nightline aired the segment on senior dating and sex, including an interview with me and a bit of my love story with Robert.

I had no idea how Nightline's hours of interview time would translate to a couple of minutes of air time. I knew the emphasis of the show would be on seniors' risky sexual behavior, and I hoped there would also be room for the joy and intimacy of senior sexuality.

ABC did a great job putting this show together and -- yes -- conveying not only the cautions that our age group needs to be aware of, but also the joy and exuberance -- as well as the challenges -- of being fully alive in aging bodies.

I was thrilled when I saw it. Having watched it five times now, though, it's a little embarrassing that so much focus was on how creaky our aging bodies become! I liked that the creaky talk was juxtaposed with the energetic and not-the-least-bit-creaky line dance visuals – that was cool. (And it's amusing that I'm receiving emails from people recommending specific mattresses and arthritis remedies to combat the creakiness!)

One thing I didn't mention in my background story in the post below: We had some laughs before the taping, when I asked what language was acceptable and what wasn't. I knew I'd be reading aloud from reader comments on my blog, and I'm used to speaking frankly. Respectfully, but frankly.

We all laughed together as we went over words: "erection" was OK, "hard" wasn't. When they told me that "clitoris" was okay, I reduced the crew to hysterics when I proclaimed, "Great! I've always wanted to say 'clitoris' on national TV!" But ...it turns out I didn't!

Did you see the show? What did you think?

Power of Language

I wonder how you feel about this.

In my book, I wrote with candor and intimacy, and often described experiences in graphic detail. You'll find all manner of sexual experiences, feelings, and thoughts there! At the same time, I tried to keep my choice of language dignified, out of respect for myself, my partner, and my readers, and because I love the nuance of language.

I know that a rougher, edgier style of language is common when discussing sexuality, especially among young people. I wonder how you feel when you read or hear street slang for sexual acts and body parts. Do you care? Does it bother you? Do you like it?

This came up because someone was discussing my book, using terminology that I would not use myself. I worried that the people hearing this discussion would think that I wrote the way this person talked. I feared that the very people I want to reach -- women over 60 -- would be turned off by that language.

So I thought I'd ask -- what type of language do you prefer when discussing or reading about sexuality, and how much does this matter to you?