No sex, and we can't talk about it

“My wife and I are in our fifties and rarely have sex, about once or twice a year,” John wrote to me. “I cannot talk to my wife about it at all, as I suspect she is not interested.” Here is his story:

Because she never initiates anything I am assuming that she can live without sex. We once went five years of abstinence. This is really a problem for me as I need sex much more frequently. When sex occurs it is not great anyway, following the same pattern each time.

Since menopause my wife finds intercourse painful. Is this just because it’s been a long time since we had sex and the menopause has really kicked in? She never used to find it painful, but I noticed that she does not seem to become aroused much and vaginal fluid has become a thing of the past. Gel did not work either.

John went on to explain that he masturbates a couple of times a week to “fend off the urges that could lead to infidelity,” but he worries that this is harmful and he’s trying to stop. He admits that their sex life in earlier times wasn’t terrific, either -- lights off, no variety -- but they lived with it for the thirty years of their marriage. He continued:

I have racked my brain for a plan of action. I know the hard part is putting it across to my wife in a way which is pleasant and attractive. So my first move is to stop masturbating to stop the urge. I think that if I leave things until I get really desperate, I will have to communicate with her as the only option.

John’s story tugs at so many important concerns: lack of communication and his wife’s vaginal pain, lack of lubrication, and diminished desire. In my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, I devote an entire chapter to each of these four problems. I wish I could send him the book now, but it won’t be out until June. Of course I’m not going to make him wait until June to get some direction.


First of all, John, your wife needs to get a medical evaluation for her vaginal pain. There can be several causes (which I go into in Naked at Our Age), and yes, there are solutions! A common cause is the tightening of the vaginal floor muscles after menopause when they don’t get regular practice relaxing through sexual arousal and orgasm. An excellent resource for making vaginal intercourse more comfortable is the Vaginal Renewal Program from A Woman’s Touch.

Please also try different lubricants. I don't know which "gel" you used, but lubricants are very important at our age when our own lubrication decreases. These posts about lubrication will give you more information.

However, you’ve got to be able to talk about this problem in order to fix it! A sex therapist would be a great help here, especially since this isn’t a new problem. Sex therapists are trained to understand what’s preventing you from having a good sex life and offer strategies for improving communication as well as sex itself. This has gone on so long that although I could offer some communication tips, I think you do need a third person listening. If she wouldn’t be willing to go to a sex therapist, a couples therapist would be a good start.

For now, can you say something like this to your wife?

“Our marriage means the world to me, and I would feel happier if we could work on the problems that are interfering with our sexual intimacy. I think we need some help and guidance, because we’re staying stuck on our own. Could we see a doctor about your vaginal pain and talk to a counselor about how to bring intimacy back into our marriage?”

Please see also Yvonne Fulbright’s comments on communicating about sex.


Please realize, John, that there's nothing wrong with masturbation at our age or any age. Our sexual urges tell us that we're fully alive -- they're not our enemy.

I know this is a small answer to a big problem, John, but I hope it will encourage you to take the first steps at talking with your wife openly and lovingly and seeking professional guidance. Would you please let me know what you do and what happens?

How to Talk about Sex with Your Partner

"How do you talk about sex to a partner who shuts down conversation?" A reader asked. I'm republishing this 2008 post because Yvonne Fulbright's information is vitally important for couples who need help breaking through the communications barrier.

I often hear from people having sexual problems with their partner. They may want more, less, or a different kind of quality of sex. Although sexual difficulties won't magically go away by talking about them, effective communication is a big first step.

I asked certified sex educator Yvonne K. Fulbright for communications strategies she recommends to her clients who are having difficulty resolving sexual problems. “Unless you make your wishes known, your partner is not going to change or even attempt to fill your needs,” she says. “Humans can’t read minds, so you have to try to communicate your desires in order to get what you want out of a relationship.” Here are her suggestions for bridging the communications gap:

1. Let your partner know how you feel, e.g., "I am really hurt and confused that you haven't wanted to make love for years." It's important not to attack your lover and to use "I statements" such as, “I miss having sex with you.” You cannot be faulted for how you feel, and expressing yourself this way is likely to get a more positive reaction than something like, "What's wrong with you? You never want to have sex."

2. Don't make assumptions, which close off an open discussion and can cause your partner to clam up. Avoid questions that only invite a yes/no response. For example, say, "I was hoping we could talk about why we're not having sex anymore," instead of, "Are you not interested in sex because I no longer attract you?"

3. Pick a time when you can focus on just the two of you. Don't have the conversation when you're doing another task. Plan a time when you can create a private space to talk, and make it a communal experience, e.g., over a cup of tea. The more natural you can make the conversation, the less threatening it will be.

4. Do not accuse or blame your partner for the problem. Instead, communicate that you want to work on your problems as a team effort.

5. Pay attention to your own and your partner’s body language. A great deal of what you're saying isn't coming from your mouth, but from your stance, how you’re holding your arms, and your facial expressions. Do you appear defensive? Uncomfortable? Does your partner? Attention to body language will help you to gauge how the conversation is going.

6. Ask for suggestions on how to make things better, rather than telling your partner how it should be done. People are much more likely to act on what they see being possible vs. what someone dictates to them, especially in an intimate relationship. You, too, should also give suggestions, but they should come across as just that - suggestions.

--Certified sex educator Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, MSEd is the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, and The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. Visit her websites at http://www.yvonnekfulbright.com/ and http://www.sensualfusion.com/.

Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk -- what now?

"Way to go, Chip. Well said," Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” "Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you've lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?"

Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I'm devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.

If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.

In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something -- anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.

Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”

The best first step is whatever step you actually take.

Be bold. What have you got to lose?

Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

Tom, 55, “My wife had her first orgasm in six years”

Tom, age 55, wrote me a beautiful account of how he and his wife rediscovered their intimacy and sexual pleasure after a combination of health issues and medications left his wife unable to have orgasms. She was taking blood pressure medicine and antidepressants, and had stopped hormone replacement therapy. Tom had his own health issues, including low metabolism and testosterone levels. Combined with his wife's lack of lubrication, decreased sensation, and anxiety, "our sex life seemed to be drying up."

We slowly reached the point where we decided we needed to fix the situation. We started taking more time in our lovemaking and trying different lubricants, and that did work much better for us. I also bought your book Better Than I ever Expected, and it has been very helpful.

However, I found that when we had romantic weekends, I would occasionally have problems maintaining my erection. That had never happened before and was really stressful, so I now use Levitra to have confidence that I can be erect. The effects of Levitra seem to linger, so I don't feel like I need to take it right before lovemaking. I can take it anywhere from one to 12 hours ahead of time and it still works for me.

Unfortunately, no amount of foreplay, oral or manual stimulation was able to bring about an orgasm in my wife. This was really frustrating to me, since I felt that our lovemaking was too one-sided. I think it maybe bothered me more than my wife. In the past, I was very good at knowing her body and her response and I could bring about very nice orgasms by a combination of oral and manual massaging. So, after reading your book, and doing some additional reading and research, I spent $225 on an Eroscillator. We had never experimented with sex toys, so I wanted to get something that looked like it would be effective, and this seemed to have the recommendations and documentation to back it up.

What a difference! The first time we tried it, we spent some time together getting warmed up, and I used the soft fingertip attachment on her, and my wife had her first orgasm in six years within just a few minutes, and she cried in my arms afterwards. This has made a huge difference in our lovemaking, and my wife now has very strong orgasms.

We are still trying to figure out the best way to work it into our lovemaking, we had never used any vibrators or sex toys before. I love it because I now can be sure that I can please her, and I want her to be able to come first. I like it because it is nearly silent, and very effective.

Thank you, Tom, for your candor and for the details that will help other people in the same situation. As you know, I've been a fan of the Eroscillator (the soft fingertip attachment is my favorite, too!), and I found my own eyes starting to water when I read about your wife crying in your arms after her first orgasm in six years. As for how to work it into your lovemaking, the woman can hold it and use it for clitoral stimulation while her partner is caressing and arousing her manually, and she can also use it during intercourse, depending on the position.

"What would you tell others in your situation?" I asked Tom.

I would just tell others that there are ways to make things better. Talking with doctors and counselors can help, but I think that the familiarity of their doctors with sexual issues may be lacking, so specialists may be needed. I do know from personal experience how difficult it is to go to a doctor and ask for help on sexual matters. Requesting a prescription for Levitra was a very tough thing to do, so I can imagine that talking about more difficult issues can be very hard.

Fortunately, with some effort, the Internet can be a good source for information. That (Amazon.com) is where I learned about your book and blog, and I also picked up Dr. Ruth's book. I also used it to search for different lubricants to try and learn about the Eroscillator. Especially for people who are not in a major city the Internet is a great tool.

Please click on the picture below to learn more about the Eroscillator:

Woman tolerates husband's sexual advances, how to tell him what she wants?

A reader who calls herself "Hot Momma Frigid Lover" posted a comment on another post which contained a point that was so important that I decided to comment on it here. Here are excerpts from her comment:

... I have never had that much pleasure in sex... My husband, on the other hand, has had a very healthy sexual drive and I had a mother who taught me to be sensitive to that drive and take care of his needs. So...well...we have had a good marriage for 32 years.

... I am starting to resent his advances a little more. Not that I don't want to give him pleasure any more but that he does so little to actually 'earn' it. He has always gone for my breasts as an 'invitation' to give him some sexual attention. Since I prefer sleep over sex, grabbing at my breasts is a rude awakening and definitely does not awaken any sexual desire.

I think I know what might help him to arouse me in a more romantic way but how can I tell this man (that I love so much) that he just doesn't turn me on!

Here is what I wish he could learn from someone or somewhere else. If I am asleep (or if he thinks I am ...lots of times I am pretending hoping he will arouse me awake)...I would love a good back massage. Some kisses on the back of my neck, some full body hugs (that don't include his hand on any part of my sexual annatomy)some physical contact that says "I love you" before it says "I need sex". In fact I wouldn't mind hearing the words "I love you" that can be very inviting.

How can I help him to 'learn' this stuff without me having to teach him. Most of the information I have found is for help with sex itself ... I am not interested in sexual pleasure...I just want a little physical love and attention before I give him the "sex" he needs.

I implore you, please talk to your husband about what would turn you on or at least make you feel receptive to sexual intimacy. Surely he would LOVE to know this! Instead of asking how to tell him that he doesn't turn you on (that would be devastating to hear), why not tell him what you DO want from him?

If that seems really difficult to you, start by requesting the back massage, and let that turn into sexual intimacy if it feels right. Then, when you're in a neutral situation (walking in the park, or sitting over coffee, not in bed), try saying to him, "It really makes me feel relaxed and loved when you give me a back massage/kiss me/ hug me for no reason. I love it when you do that."

He needs to hear from you what you like and want from him, because he's certainly getting the message that you're not enjoying his sexual advances. Give him the opportunity to please you and show you his love.

I invite other readers to talk about what has worked to open communication in your relationships.

Dr. Ruth: Teach your lover what you need

Did you hear Dr. Ruth Westheimer talking about "Sex, Humor and Happiness" on NPR's Morning Edition April 24, 2007? If you missed it, you can listen to it here. Dr. Ruth's latest book is Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving Up Your Romance, Passion & Excitement!

Dr. Ruth, age 78, says that despite the cultural changes in sexual awareness and knowledge, she still gets asked all the same questions, and she would like women to be more open about communicating their needs to a lover. "Even the best lover can't bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn't teach him what she needs," she says.

That's expecially true as we get older. Women who have been in long term, joyful, sexy relationships with partners who knew exactly how to please them sometimes tell me that they just aren't responding the way they used to, even when a partner is doing exactly what used to send them into orbit. They worry that maybe they aren't interested in sex any more, and perhaps they should settle into a comfortable but sexless love life.

That might be fine, if both partners would be happy with that (ah, there's the rub!). But many women and men who talk me express that they really miss the heightened connection with their partner, the electrified responses they used to feel to his or her touch, and the crashing waves of release. And they miss the eager joy of anticipating sex. As one woman told me, "I want my sweet tooth back."

So how do we get that back, if we've lost it? First, we need to learn what these new, aging bodies need. We need to let go of the old "this used to work!" and learn what works now, exploring both alone and with our partner. Then when we understand better what elicits our responses -- what kind of touch, what kind of ambience, whatever it is for us -- we need to communicate this clearly, kindly, and helpfully to our partner.

I know I've just brushed the surface of this topic. We'll keep talking about this.