Senior Sex Activism: a Love Letter to My Readers

On October 6, 2005, I wrote my first blog post:

Welcome to Better Than I Ever Expected!

My book, Better Then I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty (Seal Press), will be out in January 2006. Please see here  for a description of this sassy, sexy book combining my personal story with tips and tales from lusty, sexually seasoned women.

We're proving that our society's view of older women as sexless is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'd like to invite you --whether or not you're a woman over sixty -- to participate in discussions of ageless sexuality. Please choose a first name of your choice and your age to identify yourself, and feel free to post comments and questions regarding this hot and important topic.

To start you out, what makes sex after sixty better than you ever expected, personally?

I'd like your candid views, and I hope you'll express them respectfully so that all women will feel welcome to read and post, and won't feel they've wandered into a sleazy place. Thank you, and welcome to our community!

Joan Price

In the past 5.5 years, so much has happened, personally and professionally. Better Than I Ever Expected and I received much media attention --we still do! -- and I found myself the spokesperson for senior sex. What had started as a mission to normalize the idea of people over 60 enjoying sex and daring to talk out loud about it became a huge groundswell. I thank you for the part you played in this movement.

Thank you for making this blog a center of that movement by reading and commenting, showing other readers that we have a community of seniors and elders -- men as well as women now! -- discussing sex openly and respectfully in a manner that's welcoming even to people who are not used to discussing their sex lives.

Because of you, one book led to the next one: Men said to me, "What about us?" and both men and women said, "Great that you're celebrating senior sex, but I'm having a lousy sex life and here's my problem...." I realized that my next book needed to be aimed at both genders, and needed to address the problems and offer solutions. It also needed to include your stories, because we've never shared our stories in public before.

Our youth-oriented society may still be saying "Ick!" to the idea of people our age getting naked, loving the pleasures our bodies can give us, loving each other (wrinkles and all!) and finding ways to stay sexually vibrant whether we're partnered or not -- but society can't pretend it isn't happening!

Thank you for that. I'm honored that you've chosen to join me in talking out loud about senior sex!

Warmly,

Joan Price

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is now available! Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

As always, I invite your comments!

No sex, and we can't talk about it

“My wife and I are in our fifties and rarely have sex, about once or twice a year,” John wrote to me. “I cannot talk to my wife about it at all, as I suspect she is not interested.” Here is his story:

Because she never initiates anything I am assuming that she can live without sex. We once went five years of abstinence. This is really a problem for me as I need sex much more frequently. When sex occurs it is not great anyway, following the same pattern each time.

Since menopause my wife finds intercourse painful. Is this just because it’s been a long time since we had sex and the menopause has really kicked in? She never used to find it painful, but I noticed that she does not seem to become aroused much and vaginal fluid has become a thing of the past. Gel did not work either.

John went on to explain that he masturbates a couple of times a week to “fend off the urges that could lead to infidelity,” but he worries that this is harmful and he’s trying to stop. He admits that their sex life in earlier times wasn’t terrific, either -- lights off, no variety -- but they lived with it for the thirty years of their marriage. He continued:

I have racked my brain for a plan of action. I know the hard part is putting it across to my wife in a way which is pleasant and attractive. So my first move is to stop masturbating to stop the urge. I think that if I leave things until I get really desperate, I will have to communicate with her as the only option.

John’s story tugs at so many important concerns: lack of communication and his wife’s vaginal pain, lack of lubrication, and diminished desire. In my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, I devote an entire chapter to each of these four problems. I wish I could send him the book now, but it won’t be out until June. Of course I’m not going to make him wait until June to get some direction.


First of all, John, your wife needs to get a medical evaluation for her vaginal pain. There can be several causes (which I go into in Naked at Our Age), and yes, there are solutions! A common cause is the tightening of the vaginal floor muscles after menopause when they don’t get regular practice relaxing through sexual arousal and orgasm. An excellent resource for making vaginal intercourse more comfortable is the Vaginal Renewal Program from A Woman’s Touch.

Please also try different lubricants. I don't know which "gel" you used, but lubricants are very important at our age when our own lubrication decreases. These posts about lubrication will give you more information.

However, you’ve got to be able to talk about this problem in order to fix it! A sex therapist would be a great help here, especially since this isn’t a new problem. Sex therapists are trained to understand what’s preventing you from having a good sex life and offer strategies for improving communication as well as sex itself. This has gone on so long that although I could offer some communication tips, I think you do need a third person listening. If she wouldn’t be willing to go to a sex therapist, a couples therapist would be a good start.

For now, can you say something like this to your wife?

“Our marriage means the world to me, and I would feel happier if we could work on the problems that are interfering with our sexual intimacy. I think we need some help and guidance, because we’re staying stuck on our own. Could we see a doctor about your vaginal pain and talk to a counselor about how to bring intimacy back into our marriage?”

Please see also Yvonne Fulbright’s comments on communicating about sex.


Please realize, John, that there's nothing wrong with masturbation at our age or any age. Our sexual urges tell us that we're fully alive -- they're not our enemy.

I know this is a small answer to a big problem, John, but I hope it will encourage you to take the first steps at talking with your wife openly and lovingly and seeking professional guidance. Would you please let me know what you do and what happens?

How to Talk about Sex with Your Partner

"How do you talk about sex to a partner who shuts down conversation?" A reader asked. I'm republishing this 2008 post because Yvonne Fulbright's information is vitally important for couples who need help breaking through the communications barrier.

I often hear from people having sexual problems with their partner. They may want more, less, or a different kind of quality of sex. Although sexual difficulties won't magically go away by talking about them, effective communication is a big first step.

I asked certified sex educator Yvonne K. Fulbright for communications strategies she recommends to her clients who are having difficulty resolving sexual problems. “Unless you make your wishes known, your partner is not going to change or even attempt to fill your needs,” she says. “Humans can’t read minds, so you have to try to communicate your desires in order to get what you want out of a relationship.” Here are her suggestions for bridging the communications gap:

1. Let your partner know how you feel, e.g., "I am really hurt and confused that you haven't wanted to make love for years." It's important not to attack your lover and to use "I statements" such as, “I miss having sex with you.” You cannot be faulted for how you feel, and expressing yourself this way is likely to get a more positive reaction than something like, "What's wrong with you? You never want to have sex."

2. Don't make assumptions, which close off an open discussion and can cause your partner to clam up. Avoid questions that only invite a yes/no response. For example, say, "I was hoping we could talk about why we're not having sex anymore," instead of, "Are you not interested in sex because I no longer attract you?"

3. Pick a time when you can focus on just the two of you. Don't have the conversation when you're doing another task. Plan a time when you can create a private space to talk, and make it a communal experience, e.g., over a cup of tea. The more natural you can make the conversation, the less threatening it will be.

4. Do not accuse or blame your partner for the problem. Instead, communicate that you want to work on your problems as a team effort.

5. Pay attention to your own and your partner’s body language. A great deal of what you're saying isn't coming from your mouth, but from your stance, how you’re holding your arms, and your facial expressions. Do you appear defensive? Uncomfortable? Does your partner? Attention to body language will help you to gauge how the conversation is going.

6. Ask for suggestions on how to make things better, rather than telling your partner how it should be done. People are much more likely to act on what they see being possible vs. what someone dictates to them, especially in an intimate relationship. You, too, should also give suggestions, but they should come across as just that - suggestions.

--Certified sex educator Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, MSEd is the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, and The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. Visit her websites at http://www.yvonnekfulbright.com/ and http://www.sensualfusion.com/.

Viagra "not a sack of cement installer"

I'm writing the chapter about cancer and sexuality for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. The stories people sent me about reclaiming their sexuality after cancer treatment fill me with admiration. I looked back at some older posts on this blog that deal with sex & cancer, and decided to bring back this one from 2006. With the prevalence of Viagra use, I think BillyBob's experience and his thoughts about it are important. - Joan

BillyBob, age 62, has told some of his story previously as a comment here. He recently sent me an email detailing an experience that he wants to share -- and he makes an important point:

I started dating a lady I have known for a year, mostly through phone conversations. I knew that she likes sex. Last weekend we went for dinner. After dinner she wanted to go back to my place for a while.

Well, as it turned out, it was the most embarrassing time I have ever had, all because of a misconception some woman have about impotency.

I took a Viagra after we got back to the motel hoping it worked fast! It did its normal thing and got me sexually aroused but not 100%. She knew I had to take it because of the prostate cancer killing my prostate.

Here is where the misconception comes in. It seems that women who do not know about Viagra seem to think if you take it you just get ramrodding hard, and they do not need to do any stimulation. Well that’s just plain wrong. Men still need stimulation along with the Viagra. The drug is not a sack of cement installer.

And I was not about to masturbate myself in order to get it hard. Not in the presence of a woman.

So as it turned out she turned me off instead of on. What a bummer. It was so disappointing. I had looked forward to our meeting for some time. And the possibility of finally enjoying good sex with some one that likes sex.

All a woman needs to know about the drug is that you do things as normally, using stimulation together. So please tell your readers what my experience was.

BillyBob, thank you for sharing this experience. Viagra helps when there's a physical cause for lack of erection, as you know, but it doesn't increase libido, or substitute for all those other crucial components of good sex that you (and I, and probably everyone reading this) crave -- touching, kissing, bonding, stimulating each other physically and emotionally, enjoying each other's pleasure as well as our own.

It sounds like most of this experience was missing for you. What a bummer, I agree. I'm sorry you didn't feel you could communicate your needs and desires to your partner -- I don't know, maybe she would have been happy to help you get aroused if she had understood. It's hard to understand why she didn't seem interested in stimulating you just as part of the sex play (with or without Viagra), since that's a good part of the fun of sex.

I know you were too embarrassed to masturbate in front of her when she didn't help arouse you, but as a woman, I find it very pleasurable and exciting to watch a man stimulate himself. I don't know if your partner would have reacted this way, but I'll bet she would have.

If you see a future or at least a repeat date with this woman, I hope you'll communicate candidly with her before you get to "the act." And please continue to write.

Thank you again, BillyBob.

-- Joan

Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women

Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it's such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can't talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what's going on. -- Joan

In a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men's sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:

Q: What don't women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don't really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It's sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You're still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn't there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn't work like it used to. And this isn't just any part of the body. It's a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.

Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden--and in many men this happens pretty suddenly--they're in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then....nothing. Nothing happens.

Many don't understand what's happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.

Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That's often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it's the end of sex, that they're over the sexual hill, that it's all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis... if they ever adjust.

Q: Why can't men express these concerns?

MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the "strong silent type," to keep a "stiff upper lip," to "grin and bear it." In other words, to deny what they're feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they're less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don't HAVE emotions because they don't discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they're less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.

The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they're young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex "too" much, not be "too" easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don't have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.

Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems--other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It's almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don't discuss their ED or EDis in part because it's unimaginable--then it happens and they're speechless.

To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he's less of a man?

Q: When should a couple seek counseling?

There's no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that's when to consider counseling.

Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual--a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man--then I'd start with a sex therapist.

Personally, I'm a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That's pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.

To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

Q: What if the man won't go?

The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple's issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.

Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.

What Don't You Tell Your Partner?

As we age, our sexual needs and wishes change. What worked for us before doesn't work for us now. If you're in a relationship, what do you keep private from your partner about what would make sex more pleasurable and satisfying for you? If you're not in a relationship, what would be difficult or embarrassing to tell a new partner?

I keep reading emails and posts on online communities that I frequent from women and men over 50 who have sex and relationship questions, doubts, needs, misgivings that they don't dare talk about with their partners. Are you in this situation? If so, I need to hear from you.

As you know, I'm writing my new book, Naked at Our Age, addressing sexuality concerns of women and men age 50-80-plus. One of the many topics I'm covering is how to communicate about sex. I'm seeking your real-life story about what you're not telling your partner, what you wish you could tell (or ask), what's interfering with being completely honest about sex. If you don't have a partner, what issues would be embarrassing to bring up with a new lover?

I have knowledgeable counselors ready to advise you in my book by addressing your specific concern and offering tips for talking about intimate needs and wishes, especially when you've gone a long time in silence. If you've submitted your story, I'll make sure you'll get a sneak preview of what these experts say.

Please email me with the heading "I don't tell my partner...." I hope you'll post a comment here, but also be sure to email me so I know how to get hold of you.

Thank you!

I love your emails -- most of the time

I love the thoughtful emails you write me. You share your experiences, opinions, questions, and reflections on aging and sexuality.

Often I write back asking for permission to post your comments here on this blog and/or in my upcoming book, so it would be handy if you could let me know in the first email if that's okay with you. I am always looking for ways to help others with the information I learn, and your emails often trigger a new topic or a new perspective on an older topic.

I also love seeing new comments pop up on this blog directly from you. (See these instructions for how to comment if this is new to you.) Your comments are valuable to my other readers as well as to me.

One kind of email I don't respond to, though, is the "you're hot, want to have sex or trade naked photos?" or the masturbatory fantasies that sometimes float into my inbox. I don't mean the spam that we all get and delete quickly -- I mean emails from people who demonstrate that they have read this blog, they like the discussions (especially about younger men/older women). It always surprises me that as seriously and respectfully as we talk about senior sex here, that still happens.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me. After all, if I'm discussing sexuality so openly -- even reviewing vibrators from a senior perspective, for goodness sake -- I can see how some readers might take that as an invitation to offer their services.

Robert used to tell me I was too trusting: I always believe people are sincere and doing the best they can to communicate unless someone proves otherwise in an obvious way. He used to worry about some of the emails I received. I just worry about whether I should answer them and explain why their approach will not help them find a relationship, or decline to answer.

Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk -- what now?

"Way to go, Chip. Well said," Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” "Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you've lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?"

Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I'm devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.

If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.

In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something -- anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.

Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”

The best first step is whatever step you actually take.

Be bold. What have you got to lose?

Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion

Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled "He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?" She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:

I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn't want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn't get an erection. He just said "why bother?"

Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I've tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it's as if I've fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.

I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.

It's just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that's not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won't talk, or accept any communication from me.

I still love the man and I think I always will. It's so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.

Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can't tell you enough how it has helped me cope.

I feel the heartbreak in Molly's words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.

I don’t think, though, that Molly's partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he's devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn't, we know that, but that's how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.

I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.

I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you'll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I'm sure she'll welcome your warm comments.

Sex and Intimacy after Cancer

If you or your partner has been diagnosed with cancer, what part does sexuality play in your quality of life? How will cancer treatment impact your sexuality -- physically and emotionally? How do you cope with changes in function, libido, body image, and pain? How can you maintain intimacy in the face of these challenges?

“Sexuality is all about who you are as a man or a woman,” says Sage Bolte, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C, a renowned authority on sex and intimacy after cancer and an oncology counselor at Life with Cancer®, an Inova Health System service in northern Virginia. “It’s a critical part of your quality of life.” Sex and intimacy are key ways to affirm, “I’m alive, I’m human,” and of getting back what was important to you before cancer.

On March 11, 2008, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society presented a teleconference with Bolte for 1,400 listeners. It was superb. Fortunately, the teleconference will be available as a transcript and MP3 recording sometime in April 2008 at www.lls.org/survivorship.

Forty to 100 percent of people with cancer will experience some form of change in sexual function, says Bolte, which can impact willingness to engage in sexual activity. However, she assures us, “Patience and techniques can help you regain a sense of sexual self and confidence.”

Although Bolte’s message was targeted at the special challenges of cancer, all of her suggestions also apply to living with any chronic or life-threatening illness, as well as the sexual challenges of aging itself. Here are some of her techniques for coping with specific problems:

Vaginal dryness and discomfort: Apply 100% vitamin E oil to the vaginal tissues and clitoris on a regular basis after showering, and use a water-based lubricant as needed during sex. Talk to your doctor about whether an estrogen ring or testosterone patch would be appropriate to regain moisture and restore elasticity of the vagina.

Erectile dysfunction: Tell your physician about this problem and have him/her look at all your medications. Have your testosterone levels checked. If you’re having a harder time maintaining an erection, try finding the positions that is most stimulating for you. Help your partner reach orgasm before intercourse. Devices for men that may help include penile pump; penile injections, suppositories, penile implant, penile rings. But if you’re on blood thinner or have low platelets, you need to consult with your physician before using any of these devices, because they might put you at risk. Viagra and similar medications are not recommended for men who have heart concerns or are taking blood pressure medications.

Pain and fatigue: After cancer treatment, the time of day that’s right for sex might change. If you’re too exhausted in evening, switch to morning or have a special lunch break. Take pain medication 30 to 60 minutes before activity. Get exercise, which can minimize fatigue and assist in decreasing some joint pain. “Remember that we can rest during sex,” says Bolte. “It’s not a marathon.”

Fear of rejection: Consider seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist. Often the problems of miscommunication, misinterpretation, and anxiety get in the way of your sexuality and intimacy. Work on your communication skills. (Note: I’ll be writing more on this topic in another post.)

Difficulties reconnecting with your partner: Communicate your own desires, ask for what you need, and ask your partner to communicate honestly, too. Be affectionate. Take it “slow and easy.” Take time to be together and to connect. Find other ways for both of you to have pleasure.

Redefine your expectations,” suggests Bolte. “Sometimes you can’t get back to the function you had prior to cancer, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good or pleasurable.” Focus on touch, sensation, pleasurable feelings. Use sex toys. Engage in mutual masturbation. Read fantasy to each other. Touch yourself. Massage each other and cuddle.

“Take more time to get stimulated, talk yourself into sex,” Bolte recommends. Realize that instead of the physiological response coming first and driving the emotional response, it may need to be the other way around, a “mind thing first.” Schedule your sex time – plan it, think about it, fantasize, and work yourself up to the mental excitement that will stimulate the physical excitement.

Don’t let sex feel like pressure to perform. Sometimes practice just touching without the expectation of intercourse. Re-explore alone what feels good to your body now. “Start with self-pleasuring experiences,” says Bolte. “Your body has changed since treatment. You need to be comfortable touching yourself and knowing what feels good now.”

I applaud the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for recognizing the importance of sexuality to people diagnosed with cancer and Sage Bolte for generously providing her expertise.

Condom Sense

Many seniors assume that we don't get sexually transmitted infections and are not at risk for HIV. They're dead wrong. Consider this:

• About eleven per cent of all newly diagnosed HIV infections are in people older than fifty, and a quarter of those are older than sixty.
• The risk of AIDS is increasing at twice the rate in people over fifty as compared to the increase in people under fifty.
• Heterosexual HIV transmission in men over fifty is up ninety-four percent, and the rate has doubled in women since 1991.
• An Ohio University study found that about twenty-seven percent of HIV-infected men and thirty-five percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms.
• Older women are particularly at risk for blood-borne diseases like HIV or chlamydia because their thinning vaginal lining and lack of lubrication lead to tearing during intercourse, permitting easy access to the bloodstream.

If you’re dating or in a non-monogamous relationship, the issue of safer sex needs to come up early. Some of my women readers write me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. They are often newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse. "If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don't trust him," they say. "If I have them on hand myself, he'll think I sleep around."

My belief is that if you can't talk about safer sex with someone, do you really want to invite that person inside your body? But I know it's hard, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren't a part of our blazing youth.

The Condom Conversation needs to happen before the heat of passion has a chance to melt your resolve. When the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, talk about barrier protection. Agree to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage, whether that means next weekend, weeks from now, or in an hour.

In my single past, these approaches served me well:

• "I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both."
• "I'll buy the condoms -- do you prefer a special kind?
• "Do you have condoms, or should we make a run to the store?"
• "Your condoms or mine?"

What if your date refuses? I've had occasions when a man refused to use a condom, saying something like, "Sex with condoms just isn’t enjoyable."

I would reply, "Is no sex more enjoyable?"

At this point, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn't value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.

Take a look at Sue Katz's blog post titled "Seniors Get Infected, Too (Often)" for some startling information about the lack of HIV prevention education for older adults.

Tom, 55, “My wife had her first orgasm in six years”

Tom, age 55, wrote me a beautiful account of how he and his wife rediscovered their intimacy and sexual pleasure after a combination of health issues and medications left his wife unable to have orgasms. She was taking blood pressure medicine and antidepressants, and had stopped hormone replacement therapy. Tom had his own health issues, including low metabolism and testosterone levels. Combined with his wife's lack of lubrication, decreased sensation, and anxiety, "our sex life seemed to be drying up."

We slowly reached the point where we decided we needed to fix the situation. We started taking more time in our lovemaking and trying different lubricants, and that did work much better for us. I also bought your book Better Than I ever Expected, and it has been very helpful.

However, I found that when we had romantic weekends, I would occasionally have problems maintaining my erection. That had never happened before and was really stressful, so I now use Levitra to have confidence that I can be erect. The effects of Levitra seem to linger, so I don't feel like I need to take it right before lovemaking. I can take it anywhere from one to 12 hours ahead of time and it still works for me.

Unfortunately, no amount of foreplay, oral or manual stimulation was able to bring about an orgasm in my wife. This was really frustrating to me, since I felt that our lovemaking was too one-sided. I think it maybe bothered me more than my wife. In the past, I was very good at knowing her body and her response and I could bring about very nice orgasms by a combination of oral and manual massaging. So, after reading your book, and doing some additional reading and research, I spent $225 on an Eroscillator. We had never experimented with sex toys, so I wanted to get something that looked like it would be effective, and this seemed to have the recommendations and documentation to back it up.

What a difference! The first time we tried it, we spent some time together getting warmed up, and I used the soft fingertip attachment on her, and my wife had her first orgasm in six years within just a few minutes, and she cried in my arms afterwards. This has made a huge difference in our lovemaking, and my wife now has very strong orgasms.

We are still trying to figure out the best way to work it into our lovemaking, we had never used any vibrators or sex toys before. I love it because I now can be sure that I can please her, and I want her to be able to come first. I like it because it is nearly silent, and very effective.

Thank you, Tom, for your candor and for the details that will help other people in the same situation. As you know, I've been a fan of the Eroscillator (the soft fingertip attachment is my favorite, too!), and I found my own eyes starting to water when I read about your wife crying in your arms after her first orgasm in six years. As for how to work it into your lovemaking, the woman can hold it and use it for clitoral stimulation while her partner is caressing and arousing her manually, and she can also use it during intercourse, depending on the position.

"What would you tell others in your situation?" I asked Tom.

I would just tell others that there are ways to make things better. Talking with doctors and counselors can help, but I think that the familiarity of their doctors with sexual issues may be lacking, so specialists may be needed. I do know from personal experience how difficult it is to go to a doctor and ask for help on sexual matters. Requesting a prescription for Levitra was a very tough thing to do, so I can imagine that talking about more difficult issues can be very hard.

Fortunately, with some effort, the Internet can be a good source for information. That (Amazon.com) is where I learned about your book and blog, and I also picked up Dr. Ruth's book. I also used it to search for different lubricants to try and learn about the Eroscillator. Especially for people who are not in a major city the Internet is a great tool.

Please click on the picture below to learn more about the Eroscillator:

Peter: "We want emotional connection as much as women do"

Peter is a reader who has written thoughtful comments in the past. I found his latest email so interesting that I'm posting it here, for your comments:

I was struck by the hostility from "Jeane," and pleased by your response, characterizing it as "anti-male". It certainly was. I've been playing the personals for a while and have been struck by the sexism that exists even here in the center of gender enlightenment (San Francisco).

When people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, a lot of heartfelt feelings are exposed, and some of them are bitter. I understand that sexism against women is as old as recorded history, and that men need to come to terms with resentment that will inevitably be released in forums in which face to face contact exists, and much more in forums where the discomfort of a personal retort is absent. I'm prepared for that, and make a point of identifying myself as a feminist in my responses, but still am distressed by the hostility of the type I read from Jeanne.

If there is any message you can convey to older women through your forum, please tell them that many men are trying hard to get past this barrier to male-female relations that an oppressive culture imposes, but it's a two way street and we must get encouragement, not dismissal, when we make that honest effort.

My experience in internet dating - or attempts at it - is that many women begin with a chip on their shoulders, posting ads that lead with "where are the good men," "are there any good men left," "don't bother if you're (fill in the blank)," or disclaimers about not being there for casual sex.

The theme seems to be that men are presumed to be lurking on a romantic website for a quick lay. The reality is that men and women have a different biology, and that becomes very apparent at menopause. We know that, and to assume a man in his fifties, trying to connect with a woman his age, is ignorant of or impatient to the need to be considerate of those facts is condescending. We want emotional connection as much as women do, will do what's necessary to get it, including working with her around sexual issues.

But women need to give us a chance, not assume we will think less of them because we have changed in different ways and at different rates. We want you, ladies. We're ready to try.

Let's hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.

We're listening....

Man asks "Do women fantasize during sex?"

Larry, age 70, wrote me that he used to be a swinger, but settled into monogamy because his wife would not have agreed to the swinging lifestyle. He satisfies his desire for variety through fantasy while self-pleasuring.

Larry wonders whether women fantasize while they're having sex, either with a partner or solo. "Who do they fantasy about (a) old lovers, (b) movie stars or (c) someone that they would just like to have sex with?" Larry asks.

Any women want to respond?

Talking about condoms with a new partner

Some of my women readers, newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse, tell me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. "If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don't trust him," they say. "If I have them on hand myself, he'll think I sleep around."

My belief is that if you can't talk about safer sex with someone, you really shouldn't be inviting that person to be an intimate partner! But I know it's hard, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren't a part of our zesty youth.

I recommend never waiting until the heat of passion to bring up the subject. Instead, when the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, have the discussion. Then you've agreed to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage.

In my single past, these were some useful ways to approach the subject:

"I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both."

"I'll buy the condoms -- do you prefer a special kind?

"Your condoms or mine?"

I've had occasions when a man refused, saying something like, "Sex with condoms interferes with my enjoyment."

I would reply, "Is no sex more enjoyable?"

At this point, of course, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn't value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.

I don't claim that I used a condom with everyone all the time when I was single. In my younger days, the STDs we were likely to contract were either visible or could be cured with a prescription drug. But I got smarter with age, and became more demanding of barrier protection. If I knew someone well already, someone who had become a good friend, and I knew about his relationships and his sexual health status, we would get blood tests, and then feel comfortable about condomless sex. But that took deep discussions and friendship.

Let me hear from you -- what do/would you say to bring up the subject of condom use?

(photo of Miriam Schuler, known as "Condom Grandma" in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where she volunteers in the Senior HIV Intervention Project.)

Faking Orgasm: Why?

I've been reading Flings, Frolics, and Forever Afters: A Single Woman’s Guide to Romance after Fifty by Katherine E. Chaddock & Emilie Chaddock Egan (Ten Speed Press, 2005). This self-help action plan for finding romance gives advice applicable to singles of any age who want to enter (or re-enter) the dating scene, with just a few tips specifically targeted to our age group, such as getting your adult children to accept that you’re dating again.

Though the section on sex is only one chapter, it's a long chapter, and very specific, including the need for safer sex. Most of the advice is okay -- though of course not as splendid as in Better Than I Ever Expected -- but I really didn’t like the command to “have an orgasm: real or fake” and the explanation that it’s harmless and "it will make him feel great." I don't think so! What man would feel great knowing his partner just faked an orgasm? Oh, I forgot -- the point is that he wouldn't know. That's so manipulative that I shudder. And how would it help your future sex life, if he thinks he's figured out how to set off your personal fireworks and will keep repeating a technique that actually didn't do it for you?

I also didn't like the suggestion to sneak off to the bathroom to apply a lubricant. "You want him to think you are juiced because of him, not because of a gel in a tube." Boo. There's nothing to be ashamed of if we no longer lubricate freely, if our hormonally deprived bodies don't match our emotional juiciness. Make applying a lubricant part of the love play and ask your partner to do it for you, and it can be very sexy. Each time one of you reaches for the bottle of Liquid Silk, you both know what's about to happen. So much sexier than running into the bathroom and returning suddenly (and artificially) moist!

Here's the bottom line, as far as I'm concerned: If you can’t communicate honestly with a partner what you need for comfortable, pleasurable sex and what you need to reach orgasm, what are you doing in bed with this person?

What do you think?

Intimacy after prostate surgery

Several readers have posted and emailed me about sex and intimacy after prostate surgery. I asked Anne Katz , RN PhD, author of Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality: A Handbook for Health Care Providers and sexuality counselor at CancerCare Manitoba in Winnipeg, Manitoba, to respond to a common question:

Ever since my husband had his prostate removed because of prostate cancer, he has been reluctant to touch me. This is so upsetting. I love him very much and don’t know what to do.

It is common for men to be unable to have an erection after this surgery. Depending on the type of surgery (nerve sparing or not), his ability to have erections may or may not return. Many men are deeply distressed by this and may avoid all physical contact with their partner so as not to “lead them on” or disappoint them. This leads to a very unhappy partner who wants to express his/her love and support but feels cut off and cut out.

What is important is for the couple to TALK. It is often really difficult to talk about a sensitive topic when emotions are running high. But talking goes a long way to healing and connecting. Start with an “I” statement: “I miss touching you and being touched by you. How can we reconnect again?” Or perhaps: “I love you so much and want our relationship to be the way it was before the surgery. What can WE do to help this happen?”

While there are medications and treatments that may help, further treatment should be a couple’s decision and the man should always include his partner in medical appointments so that both people can express themselves and have their questions answered. Because communication is so important, the couple may need professional help to start the communication flowing. But seeking help is the first step.

For more posts about cancer and sexuality, please click "cancer" in the "labels" list in the right-hand column.

Is this helpful? Let me know what questions you'd like me to explore as we age and encounter physical and emotional challenges to our sexuality.

--Joan

Woman tolerates husband's sexual advances, how to tell him what she wants?

A reader who calls herself "Hot Momma Frigid Lover" posted a comment on another post which contained a point that was so important that I decided to comment on it here. Here are excerpts from her comment:

... I have never had that much pleasure in sex... My husband, on the other hand, has had a very healthy sexual drive and I had a mother who taught me to be sensitive to that drive and take care of his needs. So...well...we have had a good marriage for 32 years.

... I am starting to resent his advances a little more. Not that I don't want to give him pleasure any more but that he does so little to actually 'earn' it. He has always gone for my breasts as an 'invitation' to give him some sexual attention. Since I prefer sleep over sex, grabbing at my breasts is a rude awakening and definitely does not awaken any sexual desire.

I think I know what might help him to arouse me in a more romantic way but how can I tell this man (that I love so much) that he just doesn't turn me on!

Here is what I wish he could learn from someone or somewhere else. If I am asleep (or if he thinks I am ...lots of times I am pretending hoping he will arouse me awake)...I would love a good back massage. Some kisses on the back of my neck, some full body hugs (that don't include his hand on any part of my sexual annatomy)some physical contact that says "I love you" before it says "I need sex". In fact I wouldn't mind hearing the words "I love you" that can be very inviting.

How can I help him to 'learn' this stuff without me having to teach him. Most of the information I have found is for help with sex itself ... I am not interested in sexual pleasure...I just want a little physical love and attention before I give him the "sex" he needs.

I implore you, please talk to your husband about what would turn you on or at least make you feel receptive to sexual intimacy. Surely he would LOVE to know this! Instead of asking how to tell him that he doesn't turn you on (that would be devastating to hear), why not tell him what you DO want from him?

If that seems really difficult to you, start by requesting the back massage, and let that turn into sexual intimacy if it feels right. Then, when you're in a neutral situation (walking in the park, or sitting over coffee, not in bed), try saying to him, "It really makes me feel relaxed and loved when you give me a back massage/kiss me/ hug me for no reason. I love it when you do that."

He needs to hear from you what you like and want from him, because he's certainly getting the message that you're not enjoying his sexual advances. Give him the opportunity to please you and show you his love.

I invite other readers to talk about what has worked to open communication in your relationships.

What Boomers Want in the Bedroom

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Julie Taylor for Baby Boomer Love: What Baby Boomers Want in the Bedroom for Match.com/AOL Personals.

Julie polled "experts and seasoned daters to discover the top three things men and women over 50 desire these days," and here's what she discovered:

What She Wants…
1. Fabulous foreplay
2. To get their sexy back
3. More emotional intimacy

What He Wants…
1. Passionate positive reinforcement
2. Less pressure to be the best ever
3. More surprises in the sack

Do you agree that these are the top three for women and men? I welcome your comments.

To read Julie's article, click here.

What Don't Older Men/Women Understand about Pleasing Each Other?

I received this email from Jeane, who doesn't feel that men understand older women's sexual needs. I've had similar complaints from men about women.

I have found through an eternity, that the only good sex partner I ever had was my first husband. None could beat him. And that meant going through husband number two as well who didn't know much. And during those years of my divorce, and was single, I have been with a few. I have found what men don't know about pleasing women could fill an encyclopedia that would wind around the earth's circumference.

The Big Bravado they show from teen-aged boys through the ages is just that...Big Bravado. They haven't got a clue to a woman's sexually and what really "gets her going." No wonder women have given up and use dildos and other prosthetic objects to obtain some satisfaction. I'm at the "ho-hum" stage...live with it or without
it...and of course, there's always a dildo. Just sick of it all... Over-exposed and repressed all at the same time.

As for pleasing women, older women need MORE TIME being aroused. Problem is, with time, most men require less or else they "lose it." There are sex shops now that will accommodate needs for both.I found out about them because I had "brachytherapy" treatments in the spring of 2005 after a hysterectomy and have to use "something" once a week to keep myself "open" or I can close up from scar tissue from these radiation treatments. Therefore, I can tell you that I got rid of modesty when my physical well being was involved and went to one of these shops.

You have my permission to use all this material. Maybe someone else out there went through something similar.

I know that Jeane's email may seem anti-men, and I hope you realize that this blog is absolutely pro-men as well as pro-women. I encourage you to express yourself, and by communicating candidly, perhaps we can begin to erase (or at least smudge) the lines that divide us.

Let's open up a dialogue about what we'd like the other gender to understand about pleasing us. Please add to the discussion by posting a comment or by emailing me, and I'll post it for you.

-- Joan