"I wish I had used condoms!"

My new book, Naked at Our Age, is filled with real stories from real seniors and elders about their sexual experiences, challenges, and attitudes.

For my Safe Sex chapter, I have several stories from seniors who are dating and having sex, don't use barrier protection and don't think they need to. I have other stories from seniors who are dating and use condoms every time with every new sexual partner.

I need to hear from people age 50-80+ who didn't use condoms and now wish they had. Maybe they had sex with someone who was dishonest about revealing sexual history, STIs, HIV status. Or they didn't ask, the partner didn't tell, and now they've contracted HIV, herpes, or some other STI. Maybe they've unknowingly infected other partners. 

If you're willing to share your story confidentially in order to help other people who think that safe sex isn't important for seniors, please email me. Thank you!

-- Joan Price

Miracle Massager & G-Spot Accessory review

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Daily Show's "Dirty Bird Special" poops on senior sex

About three years ago, I was contacted by a producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart about appearing on a segment about the rise in STDs among sexually active seniors. The segment didn't get produced at that time because they wanted to include sexually active elders, preferably unattractive and smarmy who didn't use condoms, who were willing to let a camera and interviewer follow them on their how-to-pick-up-a-sex-partner-escapades.

I knew TDS would ridicule these elders and the whole notion of older-age dating and sex, but I wanted to be a part of the show because I thought I could bring some dignity to the topic.

After months of trying to locate their wild elders (who were likely smarter than I was and wouldn't agree to be ridiculed by The Daily Show), the producer gave up on the segment -- or so I thought.

I went on to be interviewed on the topic of unsafe senior sex by ABC Nightline, which did a fabulous, educational, and respectful segment and included a long interview with me, featuring comments from readers on this blog, in fact.

You know what happened last night if you were watching Comedy Central. On April 9, 2009, The Daily Show aired "Dirty Bird Special" about unsafe senior sex and dating, which featured an 82-year-old horndog ("lookin' for it wherever I can get it") who doesn't believe his genital warts are contagious ("warts are my penis") and hasn't used a condom in 40 years, although he's getting more "tail" now than in his youth.

Although part of the segment showed vivacious Miami elders dancing, dating, and having fun, the interviewer -- who admitted that thinking of seniors having sex produced "gagging sensations" -- was intent on making even social dancing and dating seem seedy, ridiculous, and icky. And I hate to tell you what they did with the segment about safer-sex education at a Jewish community center. You'll have to view it yourself .

I thank Sue Katz for drawing my attention to this show with her superb blog post about it.

Museum of Sex: antique vibrators & more

I used my senior discount at the Museum of Sex, the self-described "educational sexual epicenter" at 233 Fifth Ave (at 27), New York City. The Museum of Sex describes itself as "wholly dedicated to the exploration of the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality." That's a worthy goal, and the museum is well worth a visit when you're in New York City.

Amid the film clips of sex through the ages and models of sex machines, dolls, and such, there was an entertaining display of condoms and condom advertising . "I take one everywhere I take my penis!" proclaimed one poster, and another pointed out that a condom was "250,000 times cheaper than the average child." I don't recall the date of that poster -- surely condoms are cheaper and childraising more expensive than they were then.

I loved the exhibit of antique vibrators.One resembled a rotary egg beater, and another could pass as a travel hairdrier. The early vibrators looked so heavy and difficult to operate that I can imagine women getting carpal tunnel syndrome before we even had a name for it!

Other than my presence, senior sex didn't exist in the museum. Oh yes, there was an old film clip of a dowdy 40-plus-year-old woman lecturing her teenage daughter about sex and revealing, "I was young once. I remember." Oh dear.

Hey, visiting a sex museum is tough research, but somebody's got to do it!

Condom Sense

Many seniors assume that we don't get sexually transmitted infections and are not at risk for HIV. They're dead wrong. Consider this:

• About eleven per cent of all newly diagnosed HIV infections are in people older than fifty, and a quarter of those are older than sixty.
• The risk of AIDS is increasing at twice the rate in people over fifty as compared to the increase in people under fifty.
• Heterosexual HIV transmission in men over fifty is up ninety-four percent, and the rate has doubled in women since 1991.
• An Ohio University study found that about twenty-seven percent of HIV-infected men and thirty-five percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms.
• Older women are particularly at risk for blood-borne diseases like HIV or chlamydia because their thinning vaginal lining and lack of lubrication lead to tearing during intercourse, permitting easy access to the bloodstream.

If you’re dating or in a non-monogamous relationship, the issue of safer sex needs to come up early. Some of my women readers write me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. They are often newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse. "If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don't trust him," they say. "If I have them on hand myself, he'll think I sleep around."

My belief is that if you can't talk about safer sex with someone, do you really want to invite that person inside your body? But I know it's hard, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren't a part of our blazing youth.

The Condom Conversation needs to happen before the heat of passion has a chance to melt your resolve. When the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, talk about barrier protection. Agree to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage, whether that means next weekend, weeks from now, or in an hour.

In my single past, these approaches served me well:

• "I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both."
• "I'll buy the condoms -- do you prefer a special kind?
• "Do you have condoms, or should we make a run to the store?"
• "Your condoms or mine?"

What if your date refuses? I've had occasions when a man refused to use a condom, saying something like, "Sex with condoms just isn’t enjoyable."

I would reply, "Is no sex more enjoyable?"

At this point, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn't value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.

Take a look at Sue Katz's blog post titled "Seniors Get Infected, Too (Often)" for some startling information about the lack of HIV prevention education for older adults.

Cory Silverberg: Sex blogs to vibrators

Every time I revisit Cory Silverberg's sexuality guide at About.com, I'm impressed by the amount of dynamic, useful information. Cory's section about senior sexuality includes links to articles he has written about aging and sexual satisfaction, HIV and the older adult, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, Kegel exercises (with instructions for both men and women), and more.

Silverberg is a certified sex educator, co-founder of Come As You Are, and co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. He helps Sue Johanson select the sex toys that she reviews on her TV program, Talk Sex with Sue. I can't resist telling you that Johanson gave a splendid mini-review of my book on April 15, 2007:

Sexual activity changes as we age, but that does signal the death of pleasure. BETTER THAN I EVER EXPECTED by Joan Price is a fabulous book about sex after 60 that is aimed primarily at females. If you have been brain-washed into thinking sex is only for the young, this is the book for you. Get a copy for yourself or for your parents. They will thank you.

In other sections of Silverberg's comprehensive sexuality site, he discusses everything from sex blogs to vibrators. Take a look!

Talking about condoms with a new partner

Some of my women readers, newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse, tell me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. "If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don't trust him," they say. "If I have them on hand myself, he'll think I sleep around."

My belief is that if you can't talk about safer sex with someone, you really shouldn't be inviting that person to be an intimate partner! But I know it's hard, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren't a part of our zesty youth.

I recommend never waiting until the heat of passion to bring up the subject. Instead, when the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, have the discussion. Then you've agreed to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage.

In my single past, these were some useful ways to approach the subject:

"I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both."

"I'll buy the condoms -- do you prefer a special kind?

"Your condoms or mine?"

I've had occasions when a man refused, saying something like, "Sex with condoms interferes with my enjoyment."

I would reply, "Is no sex more enjoyable?"

At this point, of course, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn't value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.

I don't claim that I used a condom with everyone all the time when I was single. In my younger days, the STDs we were likely to contract were either visible or could be cured with a prescription drug. But I got smarter with age, and became more demanding of barrier protection. If I knew someone well already, someone who had become a good friend, and I knew about his relationships and his sexual health status, we would get blood tests, and then feel comfortable about condomless sex. But that took deep discussions and friendship.

Let me hear from you -- what do/would you say to bring up the subject of condom use?

(photo of Miriam Schuler, known as "Condom Grandma" in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where she volunteers in the Senior HIV Intervention Project.)

Seniors: Please Just Say Yes to Condoms

The media blast continues over the Big News that seniors are still having sex. (At what age were we supposed to stop,and why?) I'm happy to see this media coverage help raise awareness, even though I marvel that it's also raising eyebrows.

A very interesting story appears in the August 13, 2007 print edition of U.S. News & World Report about a subject I've harped on all year -- the fact that seniors in the dating world are often in denial about their risk for contracting STDs. "Sex Ed for Seniors: You Still Need Those Condoms: Sexually transmitted diseases stalk older singles, too" by Deborah Kotz makes this point:

With Viagra and Internet dating sites at their fingertips, a growing number of seniors are enjoying a renaissance between the sheets, but some are paying the piper, contracting sexually transmitted diseases. As HIV carriers live longer, the majority will be over age 50 by 2015, and even now about 15 percent of new infections occur in this age group, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Other STDs, including herpes, chlamydia, and human papillomavirus, which is linked to cervical cancer, are also making the rounds. "While it's a good thing that older people are more sexually active, they need to connect the dots, see that they're at increased risk, and make sure they use condoms," says Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

Kotz discusses a University of Chicago study revealing that nearly 60 percent of unmarried women ages 58 to 93 said they didn't use a condom the last time they had sex. An Ohio University study found that about 27 percent of HIV-infected men and 35 percent of HIV-infected women over 50 sometimes have sex without using condoms.

Kotz makes the excellent point that postmenopausal women may be particularly prone to getting infected with blood-borne diseases like HIV or chlamydia.

That's because their thinner and more fragile vaginal lining can easily tear during penetration, allowing pathogens to enter the bloodstream. And new research indicates that older women are at risk of getting infected with HPV, which can give rise to genital warts or cervical cancer.

The message is this: If you're dating and sexually active, please use condoms, whatever your age. Men complain to me that it makes sex less pleasurable, especially when erections are less reliable. Women insist that they're not at risk and they would be embarrassed to insist on condoms. Haven't we heard variations on these objections from youth? Isn't this one area where we can learn from experience and our own good sense?

Sexual adventurer, age 58, has "every time/ everyone" condom rule

Many thanks to the people who are responding to my request for interviews for my next book! I am getting such interesting stories! For example...

When I asked Tinggi, age 58, how active his sex life was, he said, “Depends on what you mean by ‘sex’!” His erotic activity includes self-pleasuring to orgasm one to three times a day, and intercourse with one to three or more partners (male and female) per week, one to two orgasms per partner. “I tend to have several partners at the same time," says Tinggi. "I’ve been with two of my partners for five years, another for two years. All of the relationships are open and all my partners regularly have sex with others.” His sexual adventures in the past few years have included multiple partner scenes at sex parties, masturbating for four hours while riding an anal plug while being videocast globally, and nude theater performances.

Tinggi is diligent about practicing safer sex, and has not indulged in partner sex without a condom in 30 years. “My barrier policy is standard, long fixed, and known by all who have shared erotic times with me: Barriers are always used, for everyone, every time, for any genital contact,” he explained in a comment on my blog. “This ‘every time/everyone’ policy makes life simpler -- no need for elaborate calculations as to number of partners, who they were, days since last std check-up, partners since our last date, etc. When sex is likely, or probably, or possible, or even a wisp of my imagination, I bring my own supply of barriers. Should the opportunity arise, and both having shed clothes, I simply say, ‘Ok, now time to get Charles (not my name) dressed,’ and put on a condom."

When dates insist on sex without a barrier, which rarely happens, “the date becomes a chaste one and a last one.” Steady dates, people with whom he has sex repeatedly, get the same treatment each date: "every time/everyone."

“I do not ask my dates about STD check-ups, partners, etc. I am going to use barriers regardless of my date's answers. People can have an STD of which they show no signs detectable outside of a laboratory. I believe this ‘every time/everyone’ policy protects my dates, myself, and my community. A sad fact is that HIV is being transmitted in our retirement homes - by their residents. It is already there waiting for me. Barrier use can be eroticized to become a fun and arousing part of sexual interaction.”

Unsafe Sex Toys & Practices

"Sex toys are an awesome gateway to an incredible sex life," says sex educator/author/blogger Violet Blue. "These silly, bizarre little (or big) things can lead to hours of orgasmic exploration, self-discovery, sexual self-reliance and even deeper intimacy between couples (or a hilarious comedy of errors, depending)."

But not all sex toys are safe, says Violet in her article, "Unsafe Sex Products," also available as a podcast. For example, some sex toys labeled "for novelty use only" are made poorly and cheaply, may break easily, and/or may contain chemical materials that you don't want in contact with your delicate parts.

Fortunately, many high-quality sex toy manufacturers and vendors take your pleasure and sexual health seriously. (The woman-friendly sex shops I recommend in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty care about your health and your pleasure, and are careful to carry quality products.)

I've paraphrased some of Violet's tips here, with her permission, about a few products and practices to avoid:

* Nonoxynol-9: an agent that is supposed to kill HIV/AIDS, but can cause cervical abrasions and strip away rectal lining.

* Numbing lubricants and desensitizing creams such as Anal-Eze: If something you're doing hurts, you want to know it and back off, or injury or infection can occur. "When you can't feel pain, you are getting injured, period," says Violet.

* Sugar/ glycerin: Avoid lubricants with sugar, colorings and flavors in them. Glycerin/glycerol is a sugar. Sugar feeds yeast, causing vaginal irritation. (That also means no whipped cream or chocolate as "dessert" during oral sex -- keep sex and food separate!

* No Back to Front: Never go from anus to vagina with body parts or sex toys. Even if you're squeaky clean from the shower, internal fecal bacteria can transfer. If you like anal stimulation with a sex toy, cover it with a condom.

(Violet Blue is the author and editor of over a dozen books on sex and sexuality, a sex educator who lectures at UC's and community teaching institutions and writes about erotica, pornography, sexual pleasure and health. Her books include Best Women's Erotica 2007, The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys, and Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women. Caution: if you're not used to in-your-face, graphic sex writing and photos, tread carefully when you visit Violet's blog!)

Joan on ABC Nightline 12/1/06: senior dating/ sex

(photo of Vicki Mabrey from ABC Nightline)

Air date update: The senior dating/sex segment ran December 1, 2006!

Tuesday, October 24, put me on a natural high that still makes me tingle. That's the day that ABC Nightline came to Sebastopol, CA to film an interview me for a segment about senior dating, sex, and sexual health.

First, the film crew met me at Coaches’ Corner, where I teach line dancing, and filmed my line dancers (who had assembled for a contemporary line dance demo) for an hour. It was both strange and exhilarating to dance with cameras literally in our faces, at our feet, everywhere we turned. I am grateful to our fabulous line dancers who kept their cool and kept on dancing and smiling.

The crew then drove to our house and settled in: moving furniture, asking Robert to move some of his paintings so the right color painting would be behind me, setting up lights in two different rooms, checking the lights and sound with me sitting, talking, typing. They filmed me typing and reading the Sex and Dating comments of my blog. (Thank you, those of you who commented!)

Next Vicki Mabrey, the 4-time Emmy award winning correspondent, and producer Talesha Reynolds arrived from New York. Fabulous women, full of spirit, they seemed to enjoy every word as they interviewed me for about 2.5 hours. We talked about many subjects related to seniors dating, loving, having sex. We discussed our culture's stereotypes of older people having sex as either ludicrous or icky. (You know how I feel about that!)

At the end of it all, Vicki and Talesha asked me to teach them a line dance, which I did with pleasure. We danced, shook our hips, and laughed together.

I’m thrilled about getting the opportunity to “speak out” on this important topic to a huge audience. I'll check in again here after the show airs.

How do you handle sex and dating?

You're dating again, after years, maybe decades, away from the dating scene. How do you handle sex with a new person? Do you use/require condoms? Do you get tested for HIV and other STDs and request the same from your partner? What questions do you ask? In other words, what steps do you take to protect your sexual health?

When Robert and I started dating, we used condoms, talked openly about our previous experiences, and got tested. I don't know if most people our age do that, or if they assume that they're not at risk. I'd love to hear from you about this.

I wish I had included this topic in my book, and I may include it in a future magazine article. Please either post your comments here or email them to me, and I'll post them for you.

Thanks --

Joan

10/21 update: Some very interesting comments have begun to appear on this topic -- if they don't display automatically for you below this post, click "comments" to view them. Please keep your comments coming!