Freaky Friday: To fake it or Not to fake it...that is the question?

Many women have faked an orgasm at some point during their sexual history. But there could be many reasons for faking one...she may not be into it, there could be something on the brain (yes men, I'm sorry to tell you but sometimes even during sex other things cross our mind), or she just can't reach that climax no matter how good it feels.

So the question is: Is it ok to fake it? I mean what harm does it really do? It makes the guy feel good and accomplished. We, women, don't want you to feel bad and maybe we don't want to talk about why we couldn't reach that pivotal point. I mean, it is the nice courteous thing to do, right? But is that, in some weird twisted way...selfish? Should we just let you know that we weren't completely safisfied?

I guess everyone's opinion on it is different. Some guys can probably care less but other's I'm sure want to know why, so they can try and fix the problem...if the problem is indeed them. But do guys really want to know the truth? Would it be as equally enjoyable for them if they knew their partner didn't experience an orgasm?  Most guys are turned on by how much their partner is turned on, so in some cases it could bring the momentum down and definitely could cause some insecurity. And nobody likes an insecure partner! So maybe faking is a good thing for morale purposes!

Sometimes faking could lead to sincerity. Moaning and groaning can help you get in the mood. It's a mental thing. And what started off as fake could actually become real. Just a thought.

Men if you're looking for some tips, I read an article on Askmen.com entitled "4 Tricks To make Her Orgasm" and I can't, 100% without a doubt, say they all will work but hey it's worth a try! And whatever you do make sure Swipes Lovin Wipes are always handy!

To all these questions that I posed, I'm really interested in hearing your feeling and thoughts?

So I'll ask one more time...To fake it or Not to fake it?

 

Freaky Friday: To fake it or Not to fake it...that is the question?

Many women have faked an orgasm at some point during their sexual history. But there could be many reasons for faking one...she may not be into it, there could be something on the brain (yes men, I'm sorry to tell you but sometimes even during sex other things cross our mind), or she just can't reach that climax no matter how good it feels.

So the question is: Is it ok to fake it? I mean what harm does it really do? It makes the guy feel good and accomplished. We, women, don't want you to feel bad and maybe we don't want to talk about why we couldn't reach that pivotal point. I mean, it is the nice courteous thing to do, right? But is that, in some weird twisted way...selfish? Should we just let you know that we weren't completely safisfied?

I guess everyone's opinion on it is different. Some guys can probably care less but other's I'm sure want to know why, so they can try and fix the problem...if the problem is indeed them. But do guys really want to know the truth? Would it be as equally enjoyable for them if they knew their partner didn't experience an orgasm?  Most guys are turned on by how much their partner is turned on, so in some cases it could bring the momentum down and definitely could cause some insecurity. And nobody likes an insecure partner! So maybe faking is a good thing for morale purposes!

Sometimes faking could lead to sincerity. Moaning and groaning can help you get in the mood. It's a mental thing. And what started off as fake could actually become real. Just a thought.

Men if you're looking for some tips, I read an article on Askmen.com entitled "4 Tricks To make Her Orgasm" and I can't, 100% without a doubt, say they all will work but hey it's worth a try! And whatever you do make sure Swipes Lovin Wipes are always handy!

To all these questions that I posed, I'm really interested in hearing your feeling and thoughts?

So I'll ask one more time...To fake it or Not to fake it?

 

Viagra "not a sack of cement installer"

I'm writing the chapter about cancer and sexuality for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. The stories people sent me about reclaiming their sexuality after cancer treatment fill me with admiration. I looked back at some older posts on this blog that deal with sex & cancer, and decided to bring back this one from 2006. With the prevalence of Viagra use, I think BillyBob's experience and his thoughts about it are important. - Joan

BillyBob, age 62, has told some of his story previously as a comment here. He recently sent me an email detailing an experience that he wants to share -- and he makes an important point:

I started dating a lady I have known for a year, mostly through phone conversations. I knew that she likes sex. Last weekend we went for dinner. After dinner she wanted to go back to my place for a while.

Well, as it turned out, it was the most embarrassing time I have ever had, all because of a misconception some woman have about impotency.

I took a Viagra after we got back to the motel hoping it worked fast! It did its normal thing and got me sexually aroused but not 100%. She knew I had to take it because of the prostate cancer killing my prostate.

Here is where the misconception comes in. It seems that women who do not know about Viagra seem to think if you take it you just get ramrodding hard, and they do not need to do any stimulation. Well that’s just plain wrong. Men still need stimulation along with the Viagra. The drug is not a sack of cement installer.

And I was not about to masturbate myself in order to get it hard. Not in the presence of a woman.

So as it turned out she turned me off instead of on. What a bummer. It was so disappointing. I had looked forward to our meeting for some time. And the possibility of finally enjoying good sex with some one that likes sex.

All a woman needs to know about the drug is that you do things as normally, using stimulation together. So please tell your readers what my experience was.

BillyBob, thank you for sharing this experience. Viagra helps when there's a physical cause for lack of erection, as you know, but it doesn't increase libido, or substitute for all those other crucial components of good sex that you (and I, and probably everyone reading this) crave -- touching, kissing, bonding, stimulating each other physically and emotionally, enjoying each other's pleasure as well as our own.

It sounds like most of this experience was missing for you. What a bummer, I agree. I'm sorry you didn't feel you could communicate your needs and desires to your partner -- I don't know, maybe she would have been happy to help you get aroused if she had understood. It's hard to understand why she didn't seem interested in stimulating you just as part of the sex play (with or without Viagra), since that's a good part of the fun of sex.

I know you were too embarrassed to masturbate in front of her when she didn't help arouse you, but as a woman, I find it very pleasurable and exciting to watch a man stimulate himself. I don't know if your partner would have reacted this way, but I'll bet she would have.

If you see a future or at least a repeat date with this woman, I hope you'll communicate candidly with her before you get to "the act." And please continue to write.

Thank you again, BillyBob.

-- Joan

Is there a Mr. Mean in your life? Interview with Jed Diamond

For more than 40 years, therapist Jed Diamond's personal and professional life has revolved around helping men and the women who love them. In his new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, he offers advice for women bewildered by a male partner's irritability, anger, and withdrawal. He explains the reasons, the dynamics, and what she can do to help.

Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), in Jed's words, is "a state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity." Men with IMS will often take out their frustration and anger on their partners.

I interviewed Jed Diamond about IMS and how it might affect you and your relationship:

JP:  You talk about IMS as starting in midlife. How does it progress through the senior years if steps aren’t taken to change it?


JD: Although IMS can occur at any age. It is most prevalent at midlife. The four main causes include: Hormonal fluctuations, changes in brain chemistry, increased stress, and confusion about male identity and roles. I recommend, for instance, that all men have their hormone levels checked throughout their lives, but particulalry as they reach mid-life. For many men, drops in levels of testosterone or other hormone imbalances can cause real problems with sexuality and health. With these issues are not addressed at mid-life, men become grumpier, more irritable, withdrawn, frustrated, and angry as they age.

JP: Describe Mr. Mean.

JD: I use the term "Mr. Mean" to describe men who have not dealt effectively with Irritable Male Syndrome. These men are often driven by aggression, either expressed directely, or more often suppressed. As a result they often seem: Grumpy, angry, gloomy, impatient, tense, hostile, lonely, and stressed. They don't seem comfortable in their own skin. They may drink too much, become consumed with their work, or escape in other ways.

JP: How is Mr. Mean’s partner reacting to this?

JD: She often feels like she is "walking on egg shells." She doesn't know how he will react. Sometimes he is easy going, loving, and tender. But he may also fly off the handle and react with anger. Or he may simply withdraw into hostile silence. She may go out of her way to be kind and understanding, but she is confused about what is going on with him. It may seem like she is living with a partner who can change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. Without help and support, she can feel increasingly alone and hopeless.

JP: How does IMS affect the couple’s sex life, especially in the senior years?

JD: A good sex life rests on the foundation of safety and trust. If a person can act like Mr. Wonderful on one occassion and Mr. Mean on another, its difficult to feel secure or intimate. Without intimacy, sex either becomes more of a duty than a joy, or it occurs less and less often and the relationship suffers. Without the hormonal intensity of youth, sex relies even more on caring, trust, and intimacy. Irritable Male Syndrome can undermines that trust.

JP: How does the woman typically react when this change happens in their sexual relationship?

JD: Most women I counsel feel very confused. They don't understand what is going on with their partner. He may often blame her for things he feels she isn't doing right. She often feels "battered" by his stormy reactions. He may be very demanding sexually or he may totally ignore her. He often feels like she is riding a roller-coaster that is in danger of going off the rails. She often is desperate to reclaim the calm she may have rememebered and to get back to the joy and intimacy they may have had in the past. If the couple can talk about what is going on, there are many things they can do together to reclaim the good feelings that may have gotten lost.

JP: Give us some tips for talking about sex when this is going on.

JD: Before a couple can talk easily about sex, they have to feel a level of trust. If the trust is being undermined by IMS, that needs to be dealt with first. If hormone levels are out of balance, they need to be brought back in line. Hormone replacement therapy can be considered, but men can also benefit from changes in diet, exercise, changes in mind-set. Often men at this age need to reclaim their vision of who they are and what they have to contribute in the world. Women often support each other in finding the generative qualities of aging. Men need to learn to do that as well.

JP: Many of my readers are single at age 50-80+ and are dating. Are single Mr. Means out there dating? If so, at what point in a new relationship does IMS start showing itself?

JD: For some, we can see the following kinds of traits very quickly. The man is often annoyed, touchy, jealous, irritable, and negative. For others, he may give the appreance of being easy-going and upbeat, but the IMS qualities come out later. Other men are genuinely joyous, but there may be new changes that can trigger IMS symptoms. His hormone levels may drop too low. His diet may be bad and he may put on extra weight. He may not be exercising. There may be physical and emotional losses that may be difficult to deal with. The key for the man, and for those who care about him, is to learn about the positive things that can be done to stay healthy and joyous throughout our lives. We are given the gift of these years. We want to use them wisely and well.

===

Jed Diamond, PhD, author of Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, is director of MenAlive, a program that helps men, and the women who love them. Diamond is the author of eight previous books, including Male Menopause and the Irritable Male Syndrome.

Sex Toys for Older Men

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Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women

Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it's such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can't talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what's going on. -- Joan

In a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men's sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:

Q: What don't women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don't really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It's sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You're still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn't there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn't work like it used to. And this isn't just any part of the body. It's a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.

Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden--and in many men this happens pretty suddenly--they're in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then....nothing. Nothing happens.

Many don't understand what's happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.

Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That's often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it's the end of sex, that they're over the sexual hill, that it's all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis... if they ever adjust.

Q: Why can't men express these concerns?

MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the "strong silent type," to keep a "stiff upper lip," to "grin and bear it." In other words, to deny what they're feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they're less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don't HAVE emotions because they don't discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they're less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.

The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they're young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex "too" much, not be "too" easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don't have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.

Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems--other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It's almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don't discuss their ED or EDis in part because it's unimaginable--then it happens and they're speechless.

To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he's less of a man?

Q: When should a couple seek counseling?

There's no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that's when to consider counseling.

Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual--a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man--then I'd start with a sex therapist.

Personally, I'm a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That's pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.

To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

Q: What if the man won't go?

The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple's issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.

Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.

Sex toys for men? asks male, age 62

"Are there sex toys for men?" a 62-year-old guy pal asked me. Well, sure!

He wanted a recommendation, but got very quiet when I said, "That depends on what you want it to do." Although I was eager to advise him further, he dropped the conversation at that point. We're good buds, but I guess I hit his shy spot.

So I'll tell you instead. There are masturbation devices (AKA "sleeves" or "strokers") that simulate the feel of a vagina or other receptive body part, penis pumps, cock rings, penis extenders, anal toys/prostate stimulators, and more.

Two of my wonderful sex-toy affiliates, Good Vibrations and TabuToys, offer a wide array of sex toys for men.

Once you've settled on the type of toy you want, be sure to read customer reviews. Pleasurists.com is an amazing site that gathers sex-toy reviews every week and posts links. This week, for example, you'll find links to my reviews of the LELO Lily and the Fun Factory Delight, three reviews of penis toys, and dozens of other product reviews.

Pleasurists.com led me to a funny and enlightening review of the Tantus Stroker on Undressed Reviews. Joe wrote,

The internal ribs are too stiff and end up pummeling my penis as it goes in and out of the Stroker. The ridges are so tight and hard that they end up acting as squeegees that funnel all of the lube to the top and bottom of the Stroker. That adds chaffing to the previous pummeling. I was not pleased.

Now wouldn't you want to know that before you purchased? Be sure to run the video -- the noise you hear is not coming from the fish.

Personal View of Prostate Surgery and Sex

Neil, age 74, offers this startling information about sex after prostate cancer surgery. I'm grateful to Neil for his willingness to share his personal story:

A diagnosis of cancer is very frightening. For me the journey was scary enough without the myths and misinformation I was told about cancer of the prostate. I share my experience in the hope that this information will be of help to others.

Myth # 1: “After Age 55, Sex Doesn’t Matter That Much Anyway.”
I heard these words from a physician who specializes in the treatment of prostate cancer. A very nice person, considered extremely competent, he believed his words would be comforting. They weren’t!

Sex does matter after 55. I promised the doctor that I would look him up on his 55th birthday and tell him to “cut that out.” He sheepishly smiled and said, “Oh my. I think I said something wrong.”

Myth # 2: “What You Have At The End Of A Year Is What You Get.”
Although many men are told that any rehab after prostate cancer treatment will peak in twelve months, every case is different. Some methods of prostate cancer treatment can result in serious damage to sexual performance. On the other hand, robotic surgery and nerve sparing have greatly improved sexual potential. Whatever the case, don’t give up! There are options for almost every case of sexual impairment.

But I must warn about some of the product advertisements that flood the market about penile enhancement, instant erections, and so on. Some of these products can be harmful to a cancer survivor. Some are loaded with testosterone which can cause further growth of prostate cancer. Check with your physician before trying any of these medications.

At all times, keep your partner involved in the options you’re considering. They can be our most precious friends and supporters. They deserve to be part of the solution to our new life experiences.

What We Are Often Not Told:

The penis will be about an inch shorter after surgery. Because the urethra passes through the prostate, when the prostate is removed, that portion of the urethra is removed as well. Then, when the urethra is resectioned, the penis is drawn in towards the abdomen. Secure circumcised males seem able weather this storm but uncircumcised males have an additional problem. The surgery leaves more foreskin than before. This additional tissue traps urine and produces odor. Baby Wipes do a very fine job of solving this problem. They are easy to carry and save a lot of embarrassment.

The “Missionary” position usually is no longer successful after prostate surgery. Because the prostate stabilizes the penis and prevents it from receding into the abdominal cavity, removal of the prostate decreases penile stability. The angle of the vagina, coupled with a shortened penis with no internal stability means vaginal intercourse may not work. However, “Doggie Style” and “Woman on Top” work just fine.

I welcome feedback about the experience of others regarding sex and prostate surgery!

9/22/2009: Neil added these comments about how his urologist saved his life.

Doug, 80: "8 penises on his hands"

Doug, a reader from the Philippines, wrote a comment that was so interesting and helpful that I'm excerpting it here so you won't miss what he said. Doug wrote,

I am 80 years young and have had ED (erectile dysfunction) all of my life. It has taken me a whole lifetime to come to the point of seeing sex but the tip of the relational iceberg.

Yes, I also know that we men are our penises and our penises are the man. This is a mental hang-up that we need to change.

Doug addresses a reader in an earlier post who wrote that her husband can no longer have erections and has given up on sex and communication. Doug says to this reader,

Until your husband can change the way that he sees his masculinity, he'll never really feel good about himself. He has eight penises on his hands and the best penis in his mouth. And that up close and personal penis can and does give my wife wonderful, body-shaking orgasms, one right after the other, that most penile intercourse cannot come close.

And best of all, my ego isn't lying on the ground of mental failure. It works for me and it can work for your hubby.

Doug, you've been most helpful to our readers here, and I thank you for sharing your perspective. Would you please contact me personally so I can invite you to be in my next book?

He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?

An important question was posted as a comment to my blog interview with Michael Castleman who answered my questions about erectile dysfunction. Here's what a reader asked:

I've been in a loving relationship for over two years, its been great. Until now, its taken a complete turnaround. His thinking is because he can't get an erection he's a failure in pleasing me. No matter what I say, his comment is "why bother". I have been completely satisfied with our love making up until now, I am completely confused. Our love and intimacy made our relationship what it was, now what? What do I do?

This question moved me and I asked Michael Castleman if he would answer this reader He promptly replied:

I feel for you. When men develop erection difficulties and withdraw from lovemaking, they often seem completely shut down and unreachable, and no amount of reassurance seems to help.

Of course, such reactions are not unique to men. Imagine that you suddenly gained 100 pounds and no matter how hard you dieted and exercised, you could not lose an ounce. Now imagine that your lover said: "It's all right. It doesn't matter. I still love you, and want to make love with you." Would you believe him? Would you want to have sex?

To most men, sex means erection, and the notion of sex without erection makes a much sense as baseball without bats. But men CAN enjoy sex--and have great sex--without erections. Erection is NOT NECESSARY for male orgasm. Vigorous fondling of the penis by hand, mouth, or sex toy can produce orgasms every bit as intense and satisfying as the ones he used to have with erections. And erection is not necessary for female pleasure or orgasm either. In fact, only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse because the old in-out doesn't provide much clitoral stimulation. Many women prefer a man with a talented tongue and fingers to a guy who just sticks it in.

Of course, it's a major adjustment for men to decouple sex from erection. Given how adamantly your man has been saying "why bother?" I think your best bet would be to try to coax him into joining you in consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

If he refuses to go, then I urge you to go by yourself. The therapist can help you cope, and make suggestions you might try at home with him. And the fact that you're going may show him how important the sensual side of your relationship is to you, and eventually he may relent and join you. Good luck!

Michael Castleman, M.A., is "one of the nation's top health writers" (Library Journal). He has specialized in health, medicine, and sexuality for 36 years. He is the author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his Web site about sex after midlife, GreatSexAfter40.com.

Women, are you sour on men?

A man who has taken one of my workshops -- I'll call him Tanner -- is 61 years old, looks a good decade younger than that, and is handsome, fit, smart, communicative, and in harmony with feminist ideals. He would love to connect with a woman of his age, but he tells me that although younger women are attracted to him, the women he meets of his age seem to have a "gender bias" against men. He tells me,

I keep hearing about how men can't relate on a deep level, or how we seek younger women, but that is not happening with many of us who can't get past a barrier that so many of us feel. Far too often I encounter gender bias among older women, and am at a loss to explain that. I can tell you that I have zero tolerance for it. I am not exaggerating the effect of wisecracks against men I hear. It cuts deep.

All I can offer is that men read about what we've done wrong for many years and made a good effort to change. Many of us didn't have to change much to begin with, as we truly did not have gender bias and just needed some fine tuning about misconceptions or sensitivity. But sometimes it seems that nothing we could possibly do could be enough. These are not political or economic relations, but very emotional and close. A level of trust has to be achieved or the relationship will fail. Gender bias precludes that, so many relationships that should succeed don't. I suspect this revolution, that of gender liberation on a personal level, will take far longer than we thought.

I'd like to get some feedback from both men and women about this. Personally, I don't feel it -- I love men, especially the men who work hard to destroy the gender and age stereotypes that I and many women of my generation find so frustrating, and I don't even know any women who feel the way that Tanner experiences. But this is what he experiences -- I'm not questioning the truth he describes.

Tanner is one of the good ones! Yet he finds himself shot down by women for failings they ascribe to men in general that have nothing to do with him.

Peter: "We want emotional connection as much as women do"

Peter is a reader who has written thoughtful comments in the past. I found his latest email so interesting that I'm posting it here, for your comments:

I was struck by the hostility from "Jeane," and pleased by your response, characterizing it as "anti-male". It certainly was. I've been playing the personals for a while and have been struck by the sexism that exists even here in the center of gender enlightenment (San Francisco).

When people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, a lot of heartfelt feelings are exposed, and some of them are bitter. I understand that sexism against women is as old as recorded history, and that men need to come to terms with resentment that will inevitably be released in forums in which face to face contact exists, and much more in forums where the discomfort of a personal retort is absent. I'm prepared for that, and make a point of identifying myself as a feminist in my responses, but still am distressed by the hostility of the type I read from Jeanne.

If there is any message you can convey to older women through your forum, please tell them that many men are trying hard to get past this barrier to male-female relations that an oppressive culture imposes, but it's a two way street and we must get encouragement, not dismissal, when we make that honest effort.

My experience in internet dating - or attempts at it - is that many women begin with a chip on their shoulders, posting ads that lead with "where are the good men," "are there any good men left," "don't bother if you're (fill in the blank)," or disclaimers about not being there for casual sex.

The theme seems to be that men are presumed to be lurking on a romantic website for a quick lay. The reality is that men and women have a different biology, and that becomes very apparent at menopause. We know that, and to assume a man in his fifties, trying to connect with a woman his age, is ignorant of or impatient to the need to be considerate of those facts is condescending. We want emotional connection as much as women do, will do what's necessary to get it, including working with her around sexual issues.

But women need to give us a chance, not assume we will think less of them because we have changed in different ways and at different rates. We want you, ladies. We're ready to try.

Let's hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.

We're listening....

Gerald Haslam talks about prostate cancer and sex

Gerald Haslam, author of Grace Period, is living with prostate cancer. He wrote a stunning summary of his views of the importance of sexuality while living with cancer for my upcoming book. I know I have many readers who are looking for information on sexuality and cancer, so I'm giving you an advanced look at some of the insights he shared:

A seventyish man who was recovering from a prostatectomy asked fellow members of a prostate-cancer support group how they could have sex if they were leaking urine. He ended with a timeless observation--"My wife is willing to be pissed off but not pissed on."

Despite the laughter that followed, his was a serious problem, but the first response solved it: "Put a band on your penis --a cock ring. A lot of older guys who aren't incontinent use them to maintain erections, but if you're leaking they're a good answer, especially if you use a pump."

The first man was honest enough to admit, "I hadn't thought of that. We've never used any...devices. Of course, I've never had prostate cancer before, either." In fact, the prostate cancer world introduces many guys to devices and positions and concepts previously unimagined.

A physician pal said to me shortly after I was rendered impotent by prostate surgery and radiation, "You'd better start pumping up your penis every day, whether you're going to use it right away or not, or it'll shrivel into a Vienna sausage. As soon as you lose spontaneous erections you lose penile tone. No tone, and there'll be nothing to pump when you do want to use it."

In fact, sex seems to be the second most common topic--after cancer therapies--in discussions at most prostate cancer support groups, and I learned that many men, rendered impotent and perhaps stripped of libido by hormonal ablation, simply but not happily accepted the verdict that their sex lives were over, a defining activity lost. A dread frequently mentioned to me by my fellow prostate-cancer survivors has been not only the sudden absence of sex but of sexuality itself. This is especially grave since sex and sexuality can represent the life force's most powerful affirmation in the face of death.

Unfortunately, many of us men grow up believing that our sexuality dwells almost exclusively in our genitals, so a damaged penis may lead to a damaged personality. As one wife admitted at a session for couples, "There's not much fun in our lives anymore, and I don't just mean sex. He's just so sad." A penile fixation may also lead one to forget how much sexual satisfaction can be achieved by giving pleasure to a partner you love.

Please read my review of Gerald Haslam's Grace Period. Click here to view or order Grace Period on Amazon.

Sexual adventurer, age 58, has "every time/ everyone" condom rule

Many thanks to the people who are responding to my request for interviews for my next book! I am getting such interesting stories! For example...

When I asked Tinggi, age 58, how active his sex life was, he said, “Depends on what you mean by ‘sex’!” His erotic activity includes self-pleasuring to orgasm one to three times a day, and intercourse with one to three or more partners (male and female) per week, one to two orgasms per partner. “I tend to have several partners at the same time," says Tinggi. "I’ve been with two of my partners for five years, another for two years. All of the relationships are open and all my partners regularly have sex with others.” His sexual adventures in the past few years have included multiple partner scenes at sex parties, masturbating for four hours while riding an anal plug while being videocast globally, and nude theater performances.

Tinggi is diligent about practicing safer sex, and has not indulged in partner sex without a condom in 30 years. “My barrier policy is standard, long fixed, and known by all who have shared erotic times with me: Barriers are always used, for everyone, every time, for any genital contact,” he explained in a comment on my blog. “This ‘every time/everyone’ policy makes life simpler -- no need for elaborate calculations as to number of partners, who they were, days since last std check-up, partners since our last date, etc. When sex is likely, or probably, or possible, or even a wisp of my imagination, I bring my own supply of barriers. Should the opportunity arise, and both having shed clothes, I simply say, ‘Ok, now time to get Charles (not my name) dressed,’ and put on a condom."

When dates insist on sex without a barrier, which rarely happens, “the date becomes a chaste one and a last one.” Steady dates, people with whom he has sex repeatedly, get the same treatment each date: "every time/everyone."

“I do not ask my dates about STD check-ups, partners, etc. I am going to use barriers regardless of my date's answers. People can have an STD of which they show no signs detectable outside of a laboratory. I believe this ‘every time/everyone’ policy protects my dates, myself, and my community. A sad fact is that HIV is being transmitted in our retirement homes - by their residents. It is already there waiting for me. Barrier use can be eroticized to become a fun and arousing part of sexual interaction.”

What Don't Older Men/Women Understand about Pleasing Each Other?

I received this email from Jeane, who doesn't feel that men understand older women's sexual needs. I've had similar complaints from men about women.

I have found through an eternity, that the only good sex partner I ever had was my first husband. None could beat him. And that meant going through husband number two as well who didn't know much. And during those years of my divorce, and was single, I have been with a few. I have found what men don't know about pleasing women could fill an encyclopedia that would wind around the earth's circumference.

The Big Bravado they show from teen-aged boys through the ages is just that...Big Bravado. They haven't got a clue to a woman's sexually and what really "gets her going." No wonder women have given up and use dildos and other prosthetic objects to obtain some satisfaction. I'm at the "ho-hum" stage...live with it or without
it...and of course, there's always a dildo. Just sick of it all... Over-exposed and repressed all at the same time.

As for pleasing women, older women need MORE TIME being aroused. Problem is, with time, most men require less or else they "lose it." There are sex shops now that will accommodate needs for both.I found out about them because I had "brachytherapy" treatments in the spring of 2005 after a hysterectomy and have to use "something" once a week to keep myself "open" or I can close up from scar tissue from these radiation treatments. Therefore, I can tell you that I got rid of modesty when my physical well being was involved and went to one of these shops.

You have my permission to use all this material. Maybe someone else out there went through something similar.

I know that Jeane's email may seem anti-men, and I hope you realize that this blog is absolutely pro-men as well as pro-women. I encourage you to express yourself, and by communicating candidly, perhaps we can begin to erase (or at least smudge) the lines that divide us.

Let's open up a dialogue about what we'd like the other gender to understand about pleasing us. Please add to the discussion by posting a comment or by emailing me, and I'll post it for you.

-- Joan

Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men

So many readers--both male and female--have been asking for information about erectile dysfunction that I asked Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men's sexuality to answer some questions. His interview starts here and continues here.

Q: Explain erectile dysfunction (ED) and why it happens.

MC: Only a small fraction of men from age 45-60 have true ED. A larger but still modest fraction of men over 60 have true ED. True ED is the inability to raise an erection despite vigorous extended hand massage of the penis. True ED is usually the result of a medical problem, either a problem with the nerves that control erection, or more likely, narrowing of the arteries that carry blood into the penis. Like the arteries of the heart, the arteries into the penis can become narrowed by atherosclerotic plaques. Causes of plaque formation: heart disease, diabetes, smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high-fat diet, sedentary lifestyle. In other words, all risk factors for heart disease are also risk factors for ED. In addition, ED can be caused or aggravated by stress and anxiety, which constrict the arteries and limit blood flow into the penis.

Q: What about men who are capable of erections, but they're less reliable than they used to be and require more stimulation?

MC: While only a fraction of men over 45 experience true ED, just about every man experiences what sex therapists call "erection dissatisfaction" (EDis). After 45 or 50 or so, men with EDis can still raises erections, but they don't rise as quickly as they used to. They no longer rise from fantasy alone--seeing an attractive woman or some erotic scene. Men begin to need direct penis stimulation by hand or mouth. When erections rise, they may not look/feel as firm as they were in the man's 20s. They may also droop from minor distractions, anything from donning a condom to hearing a motorcycle roar up the street.

The good news is that EDis is a normal and natural part of aging. If older erections wilt a bit, hand massage and/or oral stimulation bring them back up again--IF the man remains relaxed and patient with himself. If the man gets stressed and anxious, this reduces the likelihood of a return to fullish erection.

Many (most?) older men are unclear on the distinction between true ED and EDis. Many mistakenly think they have ED when they experience the normal age-related erection changes of EDis. Now EDis can be disconcerting. I've been a sex educator for 30 years. I knew all about what happens to erections after 50. But when those changes started happening to ME, I found them unnerving. P.S. Erection medication (Viagra etc) helps treat EDis. In fact, most men who take erection drugs don't have true ED. They have EDis.

Q: Many men fear that they can't please a woman without an erection, or they give up on sex altogether. Is an erection necessary for sex?

MC: Of course not. As you know, women's pleasure organ is the clitoris. Many women prefer cunnilingus to intercourse. Surveys show that only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic from intercourse, no matter how vigorous or how long it lasts. So women know that an erection and vaginal insertion are not necessary or sufficient for sexual pleasure and orgasm. But many men DON'T know this.

Q: How did men's sexual education skip that important concept that women's orgasms are based on clitoral stimulation, and that most women don't need penis-in-vagina penetration for their pleasure?

Most men get most of their sex ed from pornography. Porn is totally penis-centered. Porn actors have monster cocks, which makes normally endowed men feel they're "too small." Mainstream porn includes a bit of massage and cunnilingus, but it's mostly about sucking and fucking, so that's what men come to believe sex is all about.

I've spent my life as a sex educator and counselor trying to persuade men that they'll have better sex and get better reviews from women if they ditch their preoccupation with their penis and focus instead on leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-based sensuality. But compared with porn, which is viewed overwhelmingly by men and is by far men's #1 source of sex ed, the combined voices of every sex expert on earth amount to a little whisper in the hurricane of porn porn porn.

Here's where I plug my book, Great Sex. Its message to men: If you want great sex, if you want women to sing your praises as a lover, stop trying to imitate porn. In fact, do the opposite of what you see in porn. Not only will she be happier, you will be, too. You'll enjoy sex more and have fewer sex problems--more cooperative erection and better ejaculatory control.

Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com//.

Bill B: 59-yr-old Guy's Viewpoint

I just received an email from Bill B., age 59, who brings up so many provocative topics and expressed so skillfully that I'm giving Bill his own post here:

Hi, Joan, I just became aware of your book about sex over 60 featuring the feminine perspective and look forward to reading it. In response to some of your questions, as a guy, I think we generally like things presented in a "Problem: Solution" format. For example; a chapter titled 'Rise & Shine' might present the various forms of ED, and then some of the available answers for each 'challenge'.

While I'm currently most interested in keeping my long term relationship viable and fun, I would like to know how I might have to deal with forming new relationships after becoming a 'sudden single'. I hope there'd be room and topic enough for both sides of relationship issues.

I would like to read men's perspectives on the issues, both from a what didn't work, to what did and, when possible, why. Possibly a survey of some sort, answered by both men and women might provide some supportive insight to the specific cases or examples you would cite. Maybe it would present something like:

"John's gruff attempts at intimacy made him feel like something else had been lost to aging; he couldn't remember the way to a woman's heart, so he quit trying because he would just fail again. Marcy is married to a man like John, and feels ... about it. Our Survey shows xx% of men say that they share these feelings and have found that ... helps fix the problem. yy% of women responding to Marcy's situation say ... Clinical remedies suggest that ... is usually effective in cases like this because ..."

I would also like a woman's perspective on the things I feel and experience. Sometimes a spouse can be too supportive, when a firm dose of reality might be better in the long run (maybe that's another 'guy' thing).

I like all the topics you suggest. Most guys in my age group were pretty heavilly 'John Wayne-ized' as kids, i.e.: emotions are for women and non-men. I think a chapter or section titled something like "I wonder if other guys ... ?" that dealt with subjects guys don't usually discuss could be worthwhile. I grew up in a single mother household and didn't get to see the daily life of a man. I'm far from alone in that. We've had to make it up, or copy it, from whereever we could.

Another thought occurs to me; If you want to lose a little title symmetry with your other book, you might call it "Sex after 60 for men: A user's guide" -- Muy Macho! I suspect that might cost you quite a few readers, because I think more women are still going to buy this book than men. After all; we're men, and don't need to stop for directions for anything (a feeling too true for too many guys).

Most of the sex manuals I've bought in the past were intended for my wife; I might browse some, pause at the art, and then put it somewhere she'd have to almost stumble over in hopes she'd read it and become my dreamt of 'whore in the bedroom' without my having to actually deal with anything. Of course it didn't work, so my fix was to stop buying those silly manuals -- they clearly weren't worth much! I wonder if any of the publishing companies have buyer stats on their various sex manuals, and if they'd share them?

You have my permission to post any or all of this email with my signed name. I'm clearly no author; these are just some ramblings that occurred to me as/after I read your request for thoughts. I'm 59, Male, Married, Cauc, Some College, retired from USAF, retired from a computer consultancy, and have way too much time to annoy others.

Best of luck with your project,
Bill B.

What good timing, Bill, because I'm drafting my new book proposal this month. You've reinforced my ideas and given me some new ones. Readers like you, who get genuinely involved in speaking out about senior sexuality, let me know that I'm not on this mission alone!

Readers: Please comment. Men, do you agree that you'd be interested in the book Bill describes? Any additional ideas? Women, do you agree that you buy the books about sex, even (especially?) those for and about men?

Thanks, everyone!

-- Joan

Beyond Sags and Bags: MSN.com

Thanks to Jeremy Egner for his enlightening article, "The New Definition of 'Sexy'" on the men's lifestyle channel at MSN.com.

Egner cites a recent poll of more than 10,600 American adults that found that "sexy is more an attitude than it is a perfect physique." More than 76 percent said a woman can be sexy if she was a size 14 or larger (well, sure!) and that "women (84 percent) are much more likely than men (63 percent) to say sexiness derives from an intangible quality ... rather than looks.

Egner interviewed me about how non-physical qualities become even more sexy as we age. On page 2, he writes,

But as we get older and gain status, emotional security and hard-won wisdom, we're looking less for hotties and babymakers than for compatible mates that will help create durable and rewarding relationships, says Joan Price, author, blogger and self-described "advocate of ageless sexuality."

Such considerations feed our personal ideas about what is sexy. Other factors include our awareness of our own changing bodies.

"We have wrinkles, sags and bags. If having perfect faces and unlined bodies was a prerequisite for sexiness, we'd be out of the story already," says Joan Price, 63, who wrote about evolving sexuality in her book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. "We yearn for the same touch and intimacy but we have to first internalize the changed idea of what sexy is. We have to see ourselves as sexy."

Price recalls asking her 70-year-old husband Robert, whom she married last May, to explain exactly how he could consider her to be as beautiful as he claimed when she could plainly see all her lines and physical imperfections whenever she looked into a mirror. (So don't expect those sorts of questions to go away anytime soon, guys.)

"He told me, 'If I am to know myself and accept my own aging process, how could I want anything less from you?'" Price says. "I tell that story sometimes when I'm asked to speak somewhere and women always ask, 'Does Robert have a brother?'"

"When two people who really accept themselves come together, that's where good sex happens," she adds. "The most powerful sex organ is the brain."

With this article, though, is a slide slow of the so-called "Sexiest Women Over 35," which I found very disappointing. Why? The oldest "woman over 35" is Elle Macpherson, who is just 44 (a teenybopper in our world). Why isn't Sophia Loren (73) on that list? Julie Christie (66)? Lena Horne (88)? Or any of the other women listed on my post, How Old Are They Now?

Or does "over 35" have a nine year cut-off date?

This list is one more reminder of how much work is left to do in tearing down the stereotype of sexiness as synonymous with youth, and substituting real live role models of sexiness twice as old as the youngsters MSN.com chose as the "sexiest women over 35"!

Young Man Desires Older Women

Sean writes from Wisconsin,

I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I don't want to say anything to friends because it feels abnormal, but I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. I'm sure part of it is that my hormones are going crazy, but there really is something more to it. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously? When I'm talking to someone my age, it's easy to read and give signs, because it's commonplace for people in my age group to make a romantic connection - it's on people's minds. In conversation with an older woman, that assumption isn't there. Is there anything you feel will work better for making a signal to an older woman? Are there any phrases (not pick-up lines) that would serve as cues? What should I look for?

Sean, I'm discovering that many young men are attracted to older women for exactly the reasons you say: "something about a women who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature." Believe me, many women would jump at the chance to get to know you if they knew about you. Some suggestions for approaching an older woman who interests you:

1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.

2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.

3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.

4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.

5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."

6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"

7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."

I wrote about the experiences of Judy, 62, who loved men in their twenties in Older Women, Younger Men last September. Let's keep talking about this, because I know it is a fantasy of many older women and younger men, and for some, it's a passionate reality.

Dean asks, "Does Granny like oral sex?"

I just got an email from Dean, who describes himself as "a very active 70 year old" from Kansas. He asks this:

Joan: I have had sex with ladies 40 to 74 in the last ten years. However I am diabetic and take pills for high blood pressure, so due to those two items I am as you guessed, impotent to the Nth degree. I have had and given oral sex to several partners but I feel like they feel that this isn't normal. My question, I guess, is, does granny really like this or is it that she feels, well, that's all he can do? Can you come up with a ball park figure in percentages of the lassies that do and don't get excited about oral sex? I have known ladies that were extremely sexual but would have nothing to do with oral. Is this very much the way granny thinks? Joan, I love the ladies and they like me, but what's a relationship without a little pandering?

Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex "Granny" or "Lassie" just isn't sexy! I don't know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!

As far as whether older women like oral sex, there's no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex -- the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes -- the better she'll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.

I'd like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a women enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!