Senior Sex: Solo Style

Just when society is starting to accept that seniors are having -- and enjoying! -- sex, some of the most outspoken, sex-positive, seasoned women among us are not having sex. Some are choosing celibacy for now, some have fallen into it. Can we still be sex educators, sex writers, and sex activists if our orgasms are solo and we sleep with our pets? Yes!


Candida Royalle, known for pioneering the genre of woman-friendly erotic films and the Natural Contours line of intimate massagers, is the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. Candida wrote a marvelous piece for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex (coming this June -- finally!) about the importance of keeping ourselves sexually heathy when we're not in a relationship.

At age 59, Candida says she's not in a hurry to find a new partner, but "I am committed to having a date with myself at least once a week to exercise my PC muscle, which runs along the pelvic floor and surrounds the entire vagina. Then I reward myself with a nice little session of self-pleasuring."

Erica Manfred, divorced at sixty, is the author of He’s History You're Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty. Erica contributed helpful tips to Naked at Our Age for getting through the devastating emotion- and ego-slamming period of a later-life divorce. 

In a recent Huffington Post article, Erica writes that at age 68, she has decided to give up on dating and sex. "It takes a hell of a lot of energy to date at my age," the former sexual enthusiast writes. She's not closing off the possibility of "getting my mojo back" in case Mr. Senior Right shows up at the supermarket, but she's abandoning the online dating sites and cuddling her chihuahua.

Rachel Kramer Bussel is, at 35, the youngest of our sex-positive celibates. Rachel is an erotica author, sex columnist, and editor of 38 anthologies, including my favorite series: Best Sex Writing 2008, 2009 and 2010.

In an article she wrote for SexIs Magazine, Rachel revealed that she's abstaining from sex and dating until her 36th birthday. (Note that the"sex" she is giving up is "physical, genital contact with another person," leaving her free to indulge in phone sex and cybersex -- fair enough.) She made this choice so that she could examine her "relationship errors" and "inappropriate attachments" and not go chasing immediately after the next hot encounter.

Is it hard to write about sex all day and not go after it at night? "Am I missing out on what’s supposed to be my sexual peak?" Rachel wonders. "Maybe friends with benefits is the best life can offer me and I’m being foolish or stupid to hold out for something more fulfilling. Or maybe I’ll find that I like being on my own so much I don’t ever want to actually join forces with someone else."

I've divulged my own celibacy since losing Robert -- on this blog in a shy way, and with more candor in Naked at Our Age (you'll see!). I've started to date again, which so far means a series of sexless first dates. I've had some excitement (again, you'll have to wait for Naked at Our Age!) but without the culmination of inviting a partner into my body.

Senior sex is still my intellectual, emotional, and career passion. My mission to normalize later-life sexuality in the eyes of society is as important to me now as when Robert and I were curling each other's toes. I know I'm getting somewhere when seniors are seen as oddities when they're not having sex!

As always, I welcome your comments!

Valentine's Day 2011

I always loved Valentine's Day with Robert. We bought each other gifts, professed our love for each other emphatically and often poetically. We spent the afternoon making love, glorying in the magic of  the powerful passion we felt for each other. We would love each other for hours -- a candle lighted even in the bright light of afternoon, the bedroom door closed though we were alone in the house. I can still feel the touch of his skin, the sweet pressure of his lips. I hear the love words he muttered.

Dancing was always a part of our self-expression and love expression. One of "our songs" was Anne Murray's "Could I Have This Dance?"

Could I have this dance
for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner
Every night?
When we're together,
It feels so right.
Could I have this dance
for the rest of my life?

Every Valentine's Day and birthday -- and sometimes New Year's Eve, too! -- he danced for me:  a special dance he had created just to please and entice me. He practiced for days in private, choosing the music,  the choreography, and the costume that he would shed slowly and sensuously as part of his dance.

This is my third Valentine's Day without Robert, and the first one I've been able to remember his special dances without crying. What beautiful gifts he gave me throughout our seven years together.  What beautiful gifts he gives me still, as I remember him.


For all of you who have a special loved one on this Valentine's Day, glory in what you share. Never take for granted that "the rest of my life" means anything more than "this moment right now."

For all of us who are alone on this Valentine's Day, let's glory in the love we know how to give, and let's give it to ourselves and the people in our lives today. Let's do something special that nurtures us, delights us, even romances us. Let's make someone else feel special. Let's celebrate our capacity to feel joy.

I'll be celebrating with our annual "Line Dance Lovefest" in  my class tonight, where we enjoy two hours of line dances with "love" in the title (including one or two that I choreographed). Some of the dancers in my class are partnered, many are single, some have lost loved ones. But we come together energized by the exhilaration of dance and the camaraderie we've shared over the years.

Becka, 70: 3 Men in Photo Finish for her Heart

Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, has met several men now -- after rejecting far more. Three men seem to be in a photo finish for her heart, she tells us! Here's her latest report:

PHOTO FINISH -- PART 2
by Becka

I winnowed and winnowed trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and I didn't even know what chaff was until I read some of the self- descriptions guys put on dating sites. Leo wrote that he was looking for a “soulmate to love forever” and then mentioned that his dog had passed away and “no one can replace that void.” Next!

Alex, 5' 3” who makes less than $20,000 thought I should know that he “reads women's magazines to study the opposition.” Next!

Sammy carroled that he wanted “to be Gomez to your Morticia.” Next!

Here's the winner: said Donald of himself, “I am a smoker, earn under $12,000, drink a little, am passive and submissive and am looking for a woman who will finish the job my mother and sister started when I was a kid of turning me into a full female.” Neeeext!

You will learn an awful lot about yourself on this journey. Some things not so good; other things pretty damn good! I learned I liked a sense of humor but sometimes lacked one myself. It took a while for me to realize that Joe was joking when he wrote, “She must be breathing. If she's not breathing, the whole deal is off.” Joe became Date No. 1. He does make me laugh and helps me be less uptight.

I also learned I am more of a risk taker than I thought. When Bill would not give any additional information until I revealed something of myself, I complained. He wrote, “Aw, now, why wouldn't you want some mystery?” Bill became Date No. 2. We met the first time at a local diner and each of us wore something from Star Wars so we'd recognize the other. Okay, so now you know I'm a geek.

I like these men and intend to keep seeing them, but my favorite is Steve, Date No. 3. He is the one who offered to cook for me, massage my feet and “wander through the woods together armed only with a camera.” He suggested meeting at a hiking club event. I felt safe and knew I'd have a good time even if we didn't hit it off. Smart man!

There are fabulous times to be had with wonderful people! To pull this off you need two senses: “common” and “adventure.” “Sixth” doesn't hurt either. My three men are in a photo finish for my heart. My advice to you: get going!

Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka's other online dating reports here.

Becka, 70: meeting men on senior dating sites

Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, sent us her evaluation of several online dating sites from the perspective of a senior woman seeking men. As always, her report is both informative and entertaining:

PHOTO FINISH -- PART 1
by Becka

Let me paraphrase an old rock n roller: What a short, strange trip it's been! A jolly, jarring, coo-coo, sweet time I've had meeting men on senior dating sites. From boffo to bozo, I've met them all – or so it seems. Too many men, too little time, not enough memory.

Eharmony probably has the best setup. They guide you through the process beautifully, with many options, and the vibes inherent in their name appear to attract a higher type of person, male and female. (That would be me, of course.) You will end up spending money unless you're very lucky -- and quick, because most of these dating sites are timed release sites. That means, they won't release you to a fuller experience unless you are on time with a payment.

AgeMatch is just what it says. If you want a younger man but will stop short of hanging out at the local high school, this is your website. To each his own. One 30-something accepted me with the succinct phrase, “You'll do.” I was supposed to be flattered. I was not.

On the other hand, a 20-something commented on my picture, “You look like a lovely fairy in the woods.” I was charmed. However, I couldn't be sure it wasn't a 10-year old using his dad's computer.

Surprisingly I got more responses here than I did anywhere else: 67. Sixty-seven men wanted an older woman. Wow. Tell Hollywood! This may be very hopeful to those of you desiring that younger flash and dash. Or maybe youth today is just more tired than we know.

A super-friendly site is seniorchatters. It's located in the UK, but don't let that stop you. Plenty of Americans have joined. You get the first two weeks free, which is a plus. You can find both friends and lovers on this site and I began an interesting communication with a woman who lives in Turkey. I thought it would be neat to correspond with someone who has an entirely different life from mine. Keeps your brain alive.

I did end up going out with three men from my area and each one was a lovely person. I'll share my experiences next time. Life is long and hectic, until you get to be a senior. Then you realize your mistake. It's actually short and lonely. Why don't they tell us? Don't wait!


Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka's other online dating reports here.

Seeking Sexy, Celibate Seniors

Are you 50 - 80+, feeling sexy and enjoying your sensuality, yet celibate? If you're unpartnered, either by choice or because you haven't found the right person to share your sexuality, I'd like to interview you for my new book, Naked at Our Age.

I'd like your story about being unpartnered at our age, and how you've channeled your sexuality into solo pleasuring and/or other outlets: art? exercise? paid companions? massage? nuzzling grandchildren? volunteerism? dance? You tell me.

I'm especially seeking women and men who haven't turned off their sexual nature -- you nurture, even celebrate your sexuality and your sensual enjoyment without a partner.

Please email me your story or your questions. You will be identified by a first name of your choice and your real age, and I'll be the only one -- ever! -- who knows who you are.

If you are a senior or elder, partner-less and NOT feeling happy in your sensuality, I'd like to hear from you, too.

(Do you have a different senior sex story to share? For more ways to get involved in sharing your experience in Naked at Our Age, see this post and email me for the interview questionnaire.)

Becka, 70: Internet dating winks, flirts, and peeves

Becka, 70, the most active member of my senior online dating posse, has been trying to puzzle out the internet dating maze. Here's her third report:

Trying to decode the mystique of the internet dating scene is a little like being lost in the middle of a Dan Brown book. “What does it all mean?” you ask yourself – many times.

My first piece was titled “Wading Into the Senior Internet Dating Pool.” I erred. The experience is more like being thrown fully clothed into the deep end of your neighbor's pool which has not been cleaned for months!

I've discovered that these dating sites pad their numbers by keeping people on the rolls who have not visited in months, in some cases, years. They are, in effect, ghosts and will not, of course, respond to your inquiries.

Despite the ghosts, I have received a slew of responses. Some men who liked my profile responded right away and a day later sent me petulant “pokes” as to why I had not answered. Hold yer horses, buster! I've yet to figure out both the etiquette and the technology of this thing. But one thing I do know, I'm deleting the guy, age 65 who is looking for a woman 40-60!

Some of the choices you have for communicating are “icebreakers,” “winks” and “flirts.” I don't know about you, but I've never winked at a guy in my life unless he was under the age of 8. If you are 60 or older, chances are you will not be comfortable taking the aggressive role. Okay, go to your corners and come out flirting! Luckily for you, it's all anonymous. That makes you braver than you thought you'd ever be with men you don't know -- and might not want to know.

Some peeves:

• Senior Match encouraged me to fill out a personality form only to disclose that I could use it if I paid. I didn't like the subterfuge. But I'm finding out that if you don't like subterfuge, don't try internet dating.
• A number of guys had signed up with two different user names, so if you rejected them once, you get a second chance to reject them all over again.
• On all of the sites I found links that didn't work, windows you had to check but they didn't drop down for you, and pages that would not come up.
• On one site I could not choose my state and so I received a dozen interested queries, the closest being from a man 750 miles away.

But I soldiered on and learned some surprising things.

Thank you, Becka! Coming soon -- what did Becka learn?

Would you like to join our senior online dating posse and report on your internet dating experiences for the education and entertainment of our readers? Email me.

Note from Joan: I apologize for posting about a particular dating site's special free weekend offer recently. I don't know if the site was overloaded or what, but one reader reported that after spending forever filling out the long questionnaire, the site gave an error message. She wasn't about to start all over again, so she emailed customer service to find out if what she had done was saved so she could continue from there. She got a form email telling her to phone -- but no one manned the phones on the weekend, and the free offer would be over by the time the phones opened. She gave up and receives frequent solicitation emails from them now. I deleted my post about the site's free weekend, so don't bother looking for it. I'm not naming the site now because I don't know if this was one person's freak experience or that's what happened to many of you -- let me know.

Widow's personal story of "touch deprivation therapy"

Ellen Taft wrote me this moving email and gave me permission to publish it here:

I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done to help me get back out there again after losing my husband of 37 years in December of 2007. I’m 63 today, and it’s been a terrifying and exhilarating experience.

My husband died a year and a half ago. It had been over 40 years since I’d dated. Getting back out there has been a real trip! But I’ve done it, largely with the help from Joan’s book, Better than I Ever Expected, and her blog here with the wonderful information and links. The link to Judith Sills, and her book, Getting Naked Again, gave me the final push.

Sills suggested having a friend “mentor” your reentry into getting naked again. So that’s what I did. I asked a dear friend and fellow recent widower to help me in this tremendous step. We had been dating for a few months, very cautiously, as he is a more recent widower, and not ready for any new relationship, but this mentoring idea appealed to him.

We “negotiated” which means we clarified just what we were doing and why, so no one would be mislead. We shared our feelings about our bodies, what we needed the other to know, our limitations, and our fears.

I asked that we use condoms or get tested for STDs. It was an amazingly honest and open sharing, and I attribute the comfort level we experienced to our "negotiations." Once we knew these intimate details about each other, the concern and caring that followed made the whole experience positive.

I had done a lot of reading, too, including Michael Castleman’s Great Sex, also mentioned in Joan’s blog, and all my reading paid off.

It was a wonderful, amazing three hours. Neither one of us could believe how smoothly it all went. We both enjoyed it so much and were so relaxed we have continued the relationship. We call it "Touch Deprivation Therapy," and oh, how it helps!

Thank you, Ellen. I'm thrilled that you shared your experience with us and that my book recommendations helped you! (Read these and my other book reviews here.)

Becka, 70, Gets Her First "Matches"

This guest blog is the second from Becka, a member of my online dating posse Enjoy Becka's online dating report, Part 2: (Read Part 1 here.)

I signed up on Match.com and was instantly overwhelmed. I saw nowhere to click for anything free. Loads of ads blared at me, so I left. Free is good. All the other sites I looked at offered choices that were free, and you could upgrade to a paying choice later if you wanted to. It feels like bait and switch when they ask if you want to see a photo, you click on “yes,” and they take you to a page where you are offered a chance to pay for it. Be patient, stand your ground. If you like the facts about someone and decide to communicate, the person him/herself will send you a photo.

I signed up feeling very broad-minded, so I said that I was interested in meeting men ages 40-90 anywhere in the world. I am 70. But I lied about that and subtracted a year because I figure a 6 was more attractive than a 7. So sue me.

But the joke was on me. I was immediately shown six “matches,” ranging in age from 47 to 82. Guess who I found the most interesting? Yup. Age 82, who lived “only” 2,751 miles from me.

Here's why I rejected the others, although some of you might find them appealing:

• Mike was a retired doctor who had no interests in anything other than things medical and golf. I hate golf.

• Robert said the most important thing in his life was his guru, whom he followed "passionately." Personally, I like a man who thinks for himself, plus I wondered would he have enough passion left over for me?

• Cal was military all the way and liked his bed made up with precision corners. Me, I like rumpled sheets, lots of pillows and an oversized, wildly colorful bedspread. Definitely not a match!

• Zeke was into fixing up his trailer.

• Allen I actually knew and thought he was a sleaze.

• Harry suddenly appeared – true! -- on the nightly news as a government employee who had been arrested for driving drunk. No thank you.

But I'm not discouraged. In fact, I'm about to send a response to Ian. He is retired, lives alone, has no family, is quiet, mild-mannered, unobtrusive and likes to fly. He is either Superman or a terrorist. So we'll see.

Thank you, Becka, for your entertaining report! Who else wants to contribute your senior online dating experiences? See my invitation here. -- Joan

Wading into the Senior Internet Dating Pool from Becka, senior online dating reporter

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Online dating for seniors: your experiences?

I'm also looking for a volunteer posse who would like to report back on an ongoing basis as you look for matches, email, meet, and date (or not). Email me if you'd like to be one of my confidential reporters.

(from my post about online dating a while back)

I guess you're a little shy about this. Right now I've got two women in my "posse" ready to report, and I'm working on getting three men to agree to share publicly what they've told me confidentially.

If you're 60-plus (OK, I'll accept youngsters age 50-60, too) and you're using online dating services and are willing to share your stories, please email me and sign up to be part of my senior online dating posse.

I'm looking for true and candid, senior online dating stories that inform and entertain my readers, aimed particularly at those who are curious about online dating and haven’t tried it yet, those who are trying and need tips for making it work, and those who just want to share vicariously your good and hideous experiences.

Sound like fun? If you send me installments as you go, with your real age and a first name of your choice, I’ll edit and post them.

Check out Straight, Single, Sixty ... and Dating by Katherine Anne Forsythe, MSW. Kat is a sexuality educator with a specialty in intimacy and aging and a friend of mine. She offers these wise tips for dating (and sex) at our age:

1. Keep your sense of humor. Have fun! Seriously, what else is there? Don’t take yourself so seriously.
2. Remember that all three legs of the stool count. All are needed for a solid relationship: financial, psychological, physical. Score high on each, and you have a winner.
3. Move on if it doesn’t feel right. Don’t waste precious time. It probably doesn’t feel right to her/him, either. Your mother is still right: There are other fish in the sea, even older fish.
4. Carry condoms. This generation rebels against condoms—most were lucky enough to dodge the AIDS epidemic because of long-term relationships. But the fifty-five-plus demographic has one of the fastest growing HIV diagnoses.
5. Carry lubricant. Women’s vaginas are drier after menopause. Use lots of lube!
6. Expect intimacy, not sex. In bed, take the emphasis off intercourse and let go of orgasm-mania from your twenties and thirties. Think pleasure, not performance.
7. Always keep time for friends. They will sustain you long after the latest love interest has gone.

Online Dating Sites for Seniors?

7/25/09: I'm updating this post from two weeks ago with new information -- see end of post.

I hear and read both delightful and icky stories from readers who are using online dating sites. Have you met people this way? Has it worked for you? What are the highs and lows of this new world of dating opportunity?

I hear from readers that both men and women notoriously post outdated photos on their profiles, understate age and weight, overstate financial stability and looks, and so on. At the other end of the happiness bell curve, I hear from readers who instantly (or after 3 dates) had great sex and/or found a love connection with someone they met this way.

Let's get specific -- which sites do you use, or have you used, and what have your dates been like? Which ones have a lot of single seniors to choose from? What are the pros and cons of the sites you've used? Inspiring stories, funny stories, worst-date stories -- I welcome them all. I'd like to hear from single seniors and elders so that the information is targeted to my readers, and please name the site.

I'm also looking for a volunteer posse who would like to report back on an ongoing basis as you look for matches, email, meet, and date (or not). Email me if you'd like to be one of my confidential reporters.

Note: Please don't comment here in order to advertise a site you operate or work for. Instead, if you're affiliated with an online dating site, please email me with all pertinent info rather than commenting here. I promise I'll respond and look into what your site offers.

Update: "Granny B" is a 69-year-old widow "looking for one last Love." she writes a funny and informative blog titled GrannyBoogies on the highway of life chronicling her adventures in online dating. Although at first she didn't identify the sites she's using, instead giving them pet names like "Silvermatch" and "fishyfishy," her July 24 post -- "Granny's adventures in cyber date land or somewhere out there..." -- tells which six online dating sites she has used: e-harmony, Senior Match, Plenty of Fish, Senior Friend Finder, BBW and Cupid. She shares wisdom and caveats, such as this:

Beware of guys who are "legally separated" and don't post a photo of themselves. Watch out for profile names (you usually don't use your real name for your profile, I am Granny Boogies, Granny B and NVHeart on my profiles). If you find a profile name like 694U or Buttlover, you might want to take a pass. You also might want to skip the profiles without any personal information, where the answers are "just send me a message". Watch out for guys who take photos of themselves in their bathroom. Keep a sense of humor, remember men are both wonderful and strange. Use common sense, first dates in a public place and let someone know where you are. Yes, we are grownups so let's use our grownup smarts.

SF Bay Area Man, 62, seeks compatible woman

I get emails from both men and women of our age, wondering if the partners they seek exist, and if so, where to find them. Sometimes their emails to me sound like enticing personals ads or online dating profiles, like this one from Ron:

Transplanted New Yawker now living in the San Francisco Bay Area - youthful, intelligent, energetic, 62-year-old product of the '60s who finds himself alone and both emotionally and sexually frustrated.

I'm looking for a woman compatible with my philosophy and lifestyle: vegetarian, environmental/animal advocate, non-materialistic though not ascetic, nature lover, low-tech. I have many interests and possess an irreverent, warped, at times bawdy sense of humor. A good conversationalist/listener, playful and mature for my age (LOL). Still some hair left on my head, diminutive in stature but in proportion to my weight, free of facial follicles, metal implants or body art (prefer women who can say the same). Have become a rather serious birder and am involved with the local Audubon chapter. Enjoy movies, walks, live music, travel, photography, among other activities.

My libido is very much intact, even if the machinery does not work as it once did. My imagination, creativity and desire to please and be pleased in the erotic realm, however, have not abated one bit.

My ideal woman would be intelligent, mature, funny, affectionate, compassionate, easygoing, down to earth, love the outdoors and animals, have a good head on her shoulders, serious when warranted but able to find the humor in almost anything. Maybe an earth mother type who has retained the best of traditional hippie values but with some seasoning and wisdom that comes with age and experience. Someone who has the time and inclination to literally and figuratively stop to smell the roses, listen to the birds sing and share the simple pleasures of life.

I have not clicked with anyone for quite some time and no longer even know where to find potentially appropriate partners. What's a boy to do?

I generally refuse to do matchmaking, but over several emails, Ron has struck me as someone who has a lot to give. If you live in the SF Bay Area and you're a great fit for Ron, email me and I'll see what I can do to put you together -- just this once, though!

For the rest of you, can you help me advise Ron where he will meet women with like interests in the SF Bay Area? I have a few ideas where women who fit Ron's wish list might be hanging out, and I invite you to lengthen my list:

• Join Sierra Singles.
  
• Set up a birding singles group.
  
• Spend this weekend at the Kate Wolf Festival .
  
• Spend time in Berkeley, West Marin, and Sebastopol.
  
• Take my line dancing class in Sebastopol or Santa Rosa. (80-90% of line dancers are women, very friendly and welcoming, and most have single women friends.)

Staying Sexy without a Partner

The things that stop you having sex with age are the same as those that stop you riding a bicycle (bad health, thinking it looks silly, no bicycle). . . . The important thing is never drop sex for any long period—keep yourself going solo if you don’t for the time being have a partner. — Alex Comfort in The Joy of Sex

Juicy is an Attitude

Haven’t you noticed that when you’re getting plenty of sex, people are attracted to you as if you were oozing irresistible come-hithers, while when you’re desperate for sex or a relationship, you might as well be wearing a sign that says, “I have a stinky, fatal disease—stay far away”?

Being sexually juicy doesn’t depend on the flow of our vaginal secretions or the presence of a partner in our life but on physical and emotional well-being, mental attitude, and love of sensuality.

We can feel and look sexy and attractive, whether we’re in a relationship or not. Looking good has nothing to do with whether our thighs are tight or dimply, our breasts perky or floppy, our face unlined or road-mapped. Any partner who would judge us this way would be much too superficial for a relationship at this stage of our lives, anyway. Sexiness is how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world, with or without a partner.

We are lively and sexy when we live our lives fully, doing the activities that keep us energetic, creative, and happy whether we’re accompanied by a lover or not. The more we strut our beautiful stuff with confidence, the more others are attracted to us.


Sexually Seasoned Women Speak about Solo Sex

When I was single and my grown son was out of the house, I discovered sex with myself in a wonderful way. I had a mad, passionate, love affair with myself. I got fabulous lingerie and bought myself champagne. It was just me and a vibrator. Some days, nobody else can do it like you. (Monica, 60)

I left my last relationship about twelve years ago and wanted to be a hermit. I continued to be sexual with myself and got pretty wonderful results with that method. When I felt sexual, I made love to myself, just like I comforted myself as a kid. Now I’m turned on all the time. (Claire, 66)

I was maybe sixty-five before I ever did it. I was talking with a girlfriend who was between relationships, and she said she masturbated. I never even thought of such a thing. My first time, I knew just where to go. I tried it with the jets in the hot tub, and I found the right spot. It was the best sex I ever had! (Jaime, 73)

Sometimes I masturbate—what else can you do? It’s better than going out and picking up people. My drive is still strong. (Matilda, 78)

— Excerpted from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty by Joan Price

Irritated reader: Why no"Sex for One" info here?

Gratitude, a frequent comment contributor, said this in a comment on another post, and it was a valuable wake-up call to me:

I find myself irritated once again at the prejudice of this blog in favor of couples. Versions of this statement, “Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love....” have been repeated and implied over and over in the articles here. While this may be true for many or even most people, the message comes across loud and clear: Sex is for couples only.

I have just searched the archives and don’t find one single post on this website dealing specifically with sex for one and how this can be a way of expressing love for yourself.

I'm surprised at myself for this omission, and I'd like to assure Gratitude (and the rest of you) that I'm absolutely in favor of "sex for one," and I've written about solo sex extensively in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty, with chapters on staying sensual and sexy without a partner, choosing and enjoying sex toys, and maintaining vaginal health. I apologize for the absence of this message here so far!

In the next book, in fact, I have stories from a number of women who are enjoying staying sensual and satisfied without a partner and are willing to describe how they stay zesty. (The single men I hear from are not so satisfied with being unpartnered.)

I'll write more about this in a later post -- for now, I hope you'll enjoy Better Than I Ever Expected and continue to comment and email me.

Peter: "We don't need vibrators; we need lovers"

I love it when readers post comments here, or write me emails with their thoughts. Sometimes what they tell me is so provocative that I ask their permission to excerpt their email here, as I've done here. Peter, who attracted big reactions from his previous email about women not on HRT not wanting sex, has written this time out of concern that women are reaching for their vibrators instead of seeking out a lover. He writes:

I have noticed a trend that leaves me feeling a little sad, and yes, this is a criticism. The last response to what I wrote was advice from someone about a vibrator. I know the recipient was in her seventies and was a good target for that sort of advice, but it followed a pattern. I've felt a little unsettled at the preponderance of this.

I'd like to think we are all enlightened enough to not feel shame at admitting we get ourselves off more than we get off on someone else. So do we really need another tool to do this? I'm no square by any means, but I think porn is sad. And is that vibrator you recommend really the perfect lover?

We don't need vibrators; we need lovers. The problem is not orgasm; the problem is a loving connection. We are all social beings. We all suffer from the torture of social isolation, even those with spouses.

We need to break down the barriers that keep us from each other.

I need to clarify something -- much as I love and recommend sex toys for enhancing arousal, particularly when declining hormones make orgasm more difficult, I have never called a vibrator a "perfect lover"! I don't call it a lover at all. I would never trade the intimacy of a lover's touch for any amount of electric buzzing!

But realize this, also -- many women my age -- especially in more sexually conservative geographical areas -- don't know that sex-toy-assisted stimulation might bring back the response that they can't recapture on their own, with or without a lover. That's a separate issue from what you're saying, Peter, but I think it's important to include it.

Do we need ardent, sensitive lovers more than sex toys? Oh yes. Do we all have ardent, sensitive lovers? From what my readers tell me, unfortunately, no.

When I read comments and emails from both women and men who wish for a loving partner, I wish I could hold a mixer of my single readers!

Guy Talk about Sex after Sixty

Since Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty came out, I have been speaking to groups around the US and Canada, and one question keeps coming up from the men: Where is the book about sex after sixty for us? Although many men have read and enjoyed Better Than I Ever Expected -- and tell me they have learned a lot from it! -- it was written primarily for women and about women.

I'm listening, guys! You want a book that addresses your concerns, too, and includes men's experiences told by men.

I'm thinking about my next book now, and I'd like to know what you'd want to read: a book just about men and sex after midlife, or would you want a balance of men and women speaking out about their attitudes and experiences? Would you be more interested in the special challenges of dating after 50 or 60, or keeping a long-term relationship sexy, or both?

Women, would you like to hear guy talk about sex after sixty? Would you read a book aimed at men to know your man better?

Men and women, would you be interested in reading about couples who have kept their sex lives spicy and satisfying long-term?

What specific questions or topics would you hope to read?

I'm brainstorming my next book, and I await your input! Either click "comment" below or email me if you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you!

A Man's View: Women not on HRT don't want sex

I just received a thoughtful and provocative email from a Peter, a handsome, fit, intelligent man of 59 who recently attended my Ask Me, I’ll Tell You workshop at Good Vibrations in Berkeley. He raises a stimulating issue – are women past menopause disinterested in sex if they’re not on hormone replacement therapy? Here’s what he told me:

…I think you should have this input from a man who is a sincere feminist, appreciates your work, and is an incurable romantic and irrespressible horndog to boot.

I look young for my age, keep myself in great shape, have youthful ideas and spirit, but am a month shy of sixty. In our sexist and ageist culture, most women with whom I should have something in common seek a younger man. I’m open to a relationship with any woman who is fit, youthful, and hasn’t lost her sex drive.

It’s the latter that always poses the problem. My experience is that post-menopausal women fall into two categories regarding sex: those who take hormone replacement drugs (few, as the statistical association with breast cancer becomes known) and those who don’t. The former have sex; the latter don’t. I have been with close to a hundred women who are post menopausal in sexual situations and the results have never varied.

I fully understand the issues you discussed about changing arousal patterns, lubrication, patience, etc. I’ve explained – in a general and restrained manner – my understanding of this, but have only made it to bed a few times with those who don’t take hormone supplements, only to find a freeze up once I get there.

I notice many laments from women over forty who characterize themselves as “old,” laments from women over fifty who claim to be “sexually active” while no man their age is (defying biological reality), and laments from both that all men want is sex.

But when I date them, write them, talk to them, embrace them, always respectfully, the response is always the same if they are past menopause. This even holds true after lengthy dating and what seems to be an emotional connection.

I want what you preach, but my experience is that it’s women who block it. Most men my age I know who would be a good catch have given up because they think no one wants them any more. It sounds like the women say the same. They need to accept that men want to communicate and connect with them, and if refusing to do so governs their actions, that is the problem – one that they must face and overcome.

I think your workshop was well prepared and taught, and you have an important issue. I’ve taken several classes at GV and thought yours was outstanding. Please stick with your message. You’re doing it right and you’re appreciated. Thank you.

I would love to read your reactions to Peter’s comments. In my experience, both personally and through interviewing women for my book and afterwards, I have not found this kind of clear division between women who choose to have hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and those who do not.

Certainly the lack of estrogen does affect sexual comfort and pleasure, and some of us who say no to full HRT still use estrogen vaginally, which is thought to be safe and effective. (Disclaimer: I’m not giving medical advice. Please consult your medical professional to make your health decisions.)

But is Peter right that women post-menopause who don’t go on HRT just aren’t interested in sex? Here’s a good guy, attractive, sensitive to women, and romantic – the kind of man so many of you have said you’re looking for. What’s your experience?

How do you handle sex and dating?

You're dating again, after years, maybe decades, away from the dating scene. How do you handle sex with a new person? Do you use/require condoms? Do you get tested for HIV and other STDs and request the same from your partner? What questions do you ask? In other words, what steps do you take to protect your sexual health?

When Robert and I started dating, we used condoms, talked openly about our previous experiences, and got tested. I don't know if most people our age do that, or if they assume that they're not at risk. I'd love to hear from you about this.

I wish I had included this topic in my book, and I may include it in a future magazine article. Please either post your comments here or email them to me, and I'll post them for you.

Thanks --

Joan

10/21 update: Some very interesting comments have begun to appear on this topic -- if they don't display automatically for you below this post, click "comments" to view them. Please keep your comments coming!

Attention Single Seniors

Are you a senior who has divorced or lost a spouse or partner? Are you dating or considering dating? If you want to dip your toes in the waters of senior dating, but you're frightened because you don't know what scary stuff might be in those waters, I'd love to hear from you.

What will go into your decision whether or not to have sex with a new person? What will you do about protection against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs/HIV)? How will you talk to your new partner or potential partner about this?

If you've been dating for a while, how do you resolve the questions above?

I hope you'll share your thoughts on this topic.

Please either post a comment here (see instructions below, if you're new to this), or email me your story/thoughts and I'll answer you directly.

How to comment:
1. Click "post a comment."
2. If you're not registered with Blogspot (and you don't have to be), ignore the request for "user name" and password. Just check "other" INSTEAD of filling out "user name," and then type in the name you'd like to use, with your real age, if you don't mind. (e.g. "Joan, age 62")
3. Type the weird characters that you see below the sign-in. This is to prevent an automated comment inserter from infiltrating our community to leave ads or worse. Only real human beings can read and replicate the characters on the screen.

If you have trouble with this, or you'd like to comment but you don't feel like wading through the process, just email me your comment, first name, and age, and I'll post it for you.

Thank you!

-- Joan

60+ Singles Searching

pds62 said...
I just found your site today and have only had a chance to read a portion of all the information on it. My question to you is this: if on-line dating has proven unsatisfactory, what are some other ways to meet men over the age of 60 who are looking to get back in the "dating world"?

That's such an important topic, pds62 -- thank you for offering it.

I wouldn't say that online dating doesn't work -- several of the women who share their experiences in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty tell how they found their soulmates that way, and others say they at least found a temporary partner, an appealing fling, or a good friend. I've noticed a bunch of new books out specifically on online dating -- I hope our readers will let us know if some are really helpful.

The problem with online dating is that (a) you have to email a lot of frogs before you kiss your prince or princess and (b) most people lie in their profiles and emails, or at least try to make themselves appear more desirable (physically, socially, emotionally, and/or financially) than they are.

So it's up to you to be prepared for lots of emails, lots of phone conversations, lots of disappointing first dates. But he's out there, somewhere, and he's looking for you, too! Give yourself every chance to be where he might look.

My first recommendation for finding a compatible potential partner, though, is to get out there and fill your social life with activities you love. I met Robert in my own contemporary line dancing class! Do you like to dance? There are dance venues galore, including lessons and mixers. Do you like to hike? There are many outdoor-oriented groups, some aimed at singles specifically. Would you rather read? Look at your local bookstore's author event calendar -- and don't be shy about approaching the unaccompanied men in the audience who are as interested in that author as you are.

I welcome suggestions from my readers!

For a hilarious look at dating after 50, I recommend Rescue Me, He’s Wearing a Moose Hat (And 40 Other Dates After 50) by Sherry Halperin (Seal Press, 2005). As I read the book I kept laughing hysterically at her witty descriptions of her doomed dates -- a great read.

Thanks again for the topic, pds62!

-- Joan