The Clitoris, Revealed

"It’s practically a little penis under that hood," a 50-something-year-old writer who calls herself "jujuridl" describes the clitoris in "Female Anatomy 101," an informative blog post on MiddlesexMD. Take a look at this diagram of the complete structure of the clitoris, showing what goes on under the hood, literally.

Those of us in touch with our clitoris -- literally and figuratively -- know that the sensation isn't just in the little nub that's visible (the glans) -- the whole surrounding area is sensitive and sensational. That's because the clitoris and its thousands of nerve endings extend far and wide beneath the surface.

The clitoris is the only part of the human body that has no function other than giving pleasure. Women who have lost sensitivity due to aging and hormonal changes might experiment with self-touch, partner-touch, and/or vibrator-touch using pressure all around the visible part of the clitoris, not just directly on the glans. As you see from the diagram, there's quite an area to explore!

 MiddlesexMD was created by for women over 40 by Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., a women’s health provider and a menopause care specialist. Many of us are significantly over 40 and way past menopause, but DePree's information is plenty relevant to us -- and to those who love us.

In fact, is there someone in your life who might understand better how to touch you by seeing this blog post?

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009

I just discovered that I've been chosen one of the top 100 sex bloggers by Between My Sheets and 13 other judges! I'm ranked number 21, pretty amazing when just a few years ago, nobody talked about senior/elder sex! See all 100 here, and be sure to visit the sites of the judges, too.

I'm about to turn 66 (tomorrow), and I'll bet I'm the oldest sex blogger on the list, as well as, perhaps, the only one who uses her/his real name!

It's funny, in a way, how these things work out. During my first year after Robert's death, a time of extreme grieving, I couldn't focus well enough to work on anything that demanded more than an hour of concentration at a time.

I was still interested in helping the readers who wrote me with questions (we help ourselves by helping others, I firmly believe), so my blog was the perfect outlet. It gained momentum as you, its readers, recognized its value. I put more time and energy into my blog in 2009 than its first four years combined. I consider my #21 ranking among the Top 100 Sex Bloggers an honor!

Thank you, Between My Sheets, judges, and readers!

Best blogs/websites about sex and aging: your nominations

I'm honored and delighted whenever I discover that another blog or website has selected this one for its "best of..." list. It occurred to me that I'd serve you well if I started a "best of blogs about sex and aging" list myself.

I'm opening this to you: What other blogs about sex and aging do you read regularly, and what do you like about them?

I read plenty of blogs about sexuality that are aging-friendly -- and blogs about aging that are sexuality-friendly. Those are wonderful, but not what I'm looking for with this call for recommendations. I'm gathering nominations for best blogs and websites specifically about sex and aging. Please share the sites you've found that address the joys and challenges of embracing our sexuality past midlife into our elder years.

If you have your own blog/website about sex and aging, you're welcome to nominate it yourself, as long as its main purpose is to educate and promote acceptance of older-age sexuality (not a commercial site whose purpose is to sell Viagra or "enhancement" devices!)

Bring it on!

Online Dating Sites for Seniors?

7/25/09: I'm updating this post from two weeks ago with new information -- see end of post.

I hear and read both delightful and icky stories from readers who are using online dating sites. Have you met people this way? Has it worked for you? What are the highs and lows of this new world of dating opportunity?

I hear from readers that both men and women notoriously post outdated photos on their profiles, understate age and weight, overstate financial stability and looks, and so on. At the other end of the happiness bell curve, I hear from readers who instantly (or after 3 dates) had great sex and/or found a love connection with someone they met this way.

Let's get specific -- which sites do you use, or have you used, and what have your dates been like? Which ones have a lot of single seniors to choose from? What are the pros and cons of the sites you've used? Inspiring stories, funny stories, worst-date stories -- I welcome them all. I'd like to hear from single seniors and elders so that the information is targeted to my readers, and please name the site.

I'm also looking for a volunteer posse who would like to report back on an ongoing basis as you look for matches, email, meet, and date (or not). Email me if you'd like to be one of my confidential reporters.

Note: Please don't comment here in order to advertise a site you operate or work for. Instead, if you're affiliated with an online dating site, please email me with all pertinent info rather than commenting here. I promise I'll respond and look into what your site offers.

Update: "Granny B" is a 69-year-old widow "looking for one last Love." she writes a funny and informative blog titled GrannyBoogies on the highway of life chronicling her adventures in online dating. Although at first she didn't identify the sites she's using, instead giving them pet names like "Silvermatch" and "fishyfishy," her July 24 post -- "Granny's adventures in cyber date land or somewhere out there..." -- tells which six online dating sites she has used: e-harmony, Senior Match, Plenty of Fish, Senior Friend Finder, BBW and Cupid. She shares wisdom and caveats, such as this:

Beware of guys who are "legally separated" and don't post a photo of themselves. Watch out for profile names (you usually don't use your real name for your profile, I am Granny Boogies, Granny B and NVHeart on my profiles). If you find a profile name like 694U or Buttlover, you might want to take a pass. You also might want to skip the profiles without any personal information, where the answers are "just send me a message". Watch out for guys who take photos of themselves in their bathroom. Keep a sense of humor, remember men are both wonderful and strange. Use common sense, first dates in a public place and let someone know where you are. Yes, we are grownups so let's use our grownup smarts.

Younger Men Seeking Older Women

I get frequent emails from men age 19-40+ who are attracted to women age 50-70+. They ask me how to meet women who might be open to a relationship with a much younger man.

I also hear from women who are surprised by -- and welcome! -- a younger man's interest, and others who would rather not date someone younger than their son. An example in that last camp is "Granny B" who describes her blog this way:

GrannyBoogies on the highway of life!
The life and adventures of a senior woman looking for her last Love. Is there sex after 70? Do senior dating services work? Will Granny find her soul mate?

Granny B recently posted about being pursued by a younger man via an online dating site. I posted this comment on her blog:

On my blog about sex and aging, I hear from younger men all the time who are attracted to older women and ask how to connect with them. These men say they value the woman's experience, self-knowledge, ease of communication in and out of bed. If you're honestly not attracted to a man younger than your son (every man is somebody's son!), then you're right to send him on his way gently. But if you're intrigued, you might get to know him!

Many of the younger men who write me describe warm memories about being introduced to sex by an older woman. Others tell me they respond to the wisdom and maturity of an older woman.

Check out my other posts on this subject.

Note to the men who want to talk about this. Yes, I welcome your comments here and your emails to me, but please -- we're talking about this subject with dignity. Do not send me your masturbatory fantasies or make me the object of them! (Please don't be insulted by this request -- I'm only saying this because it has happened a few times and that's not what this blog is about.)

Changing society's view of senior sex

I'm delighted that this blog has been selected by several sites for their "best of the web" list! Here are some honors we've received in the past few months:

Ultrasound Technician Schools lists Better Than I Ever Expected as one of the "50 Best Blogs for Your Anti-Aging Toolbelt" -- and the only blog dealing with sexuality.

Seniors for Living includes us in their Top 100 Senior Blogs & Web Sites, noting, "Joan Price offers straight talk about sex after 60, aiming to prove that older women are not sexless."

RN Central, a resource for nurses and nursing students, recommends our blog in its "Top 100 Health and Wellness Sites for Seniors."

It warms my heart that senior sex is finally becoming accepted in society as we struggle to talk out loud about it. When my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty first came out at the end of 2005, it attracted media attention, partly because it made mainstream America go "Eeeeuuu, ick!" But now, so many books and magazine articles deal with senior sex that it's starting to be accepted as "normal," even trendy.

We're also listed on sex-positive sites that address all age groups. This is important, too, because we need to show young people that we sexy seniors/boomers/elders aren't alien creatures, and that our juniors have plenty to look forward to as they age.

Thank you to the forward-thinking people who selected this blog as worthy of their "best of" listings and blog rolls -- I appreciate it tremenously. And if you've just happened on this blog, welcome. Please stay a while and read past blog posts and comments. See the "labels" list at the right, or just sample at will.

As I like to say, we're changing society's view of sex and aging -- one mind at a time.

Cory Silverberg: Sex blogs to vibrators

Every time I revisit Cory Silverberg's sexuality guide at About.com, I'm impressed by the amount of dynamic, useful information. Cory's section about senior sexuality includes links to articles he has written about aging and sexual satisfaction, HIV and the older adult, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, Kegel exercises (with instructions for both men and women), and more.

Silverberg is a certified sex educator, co-founder of Come As You Are, and co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. He helps Sue Johanson select the sex toys that she reviews on her TV program, Talk Sex with Sue. I can't resist telling you that Johanson gave a splendid mini-review of my book on April 15, 2007:

Sexual activity changes as we age, but that does signal the death of pleasure. BETTER THAN I EVER EXPECTED by Joan Price is a fabulous book about sex after 60 that is aimed primarily at females. If you have been brain-washed into thinking sex is only for the young, this is the book for you. Get a copy for yourself or for your parents. They will thank you.

In other sections of Silverberg's comprehensive sexuality site, he discusses everything from sex blogs to vibrators. Take a look!

Tips for reclaiming sexuality after a health event

Many readers have reported concerns about how to reclaim their sexuality after a heart attack, cancer, or other health event. I asked licensed psychologist and sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., to provide some tips for the new book I'm writing. Her information was so valuable that I didn't want you to have to wait for the book:

1. Speak to your physician about when you can resume sex and what kinds of limitations you might expect or need to work around. If you are uncomfortable talking about it with the physician, perhaps you can bring it up to the nurse. Nurses are often interested in helping patients achieve an optimal quality of life, and are trained to educate patients as well.

2. If neither your physician nor the nurse is sexually savvy, then contact whatever organization is associated with your disease. For example, both the American Heart Association and the American Cancer Society publish booklets on sexuality and illness.

3. Broaden your ideas about what constitutes “sex” after an illness event. Sex is more than intercourse. Count holding hands and cuddling as sex, and you and your partner might feel less disappointed or glum.

4. If you are the person affected with a health problem, don’t conclude that if your partner isn’t bringing up sex, it is no longer important. Your partner may not want to intrude or make demands and is waiting for a sign of readiness from you.

5. If you are the partner of the person with a health problem, accompany your partner to a physician’s visit to discuss sexual effects of any surgery or treatment. Educate yourself so that you can be a support to your partner, and so that you and your partner can discuss how to go forward.

6. If you had sexual problems before the illness event, now might be a good opportunity to address them. It may be that your health problem contributed to your sexual problem. Again, discuss this with your physician or nurse.

7. If you are having trouble resuming satisfying sexual activity, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you identify obstacles and give you information and suggestions. Sometimes there can be deeper problems, like facing the fact that you are not invincible, that can also be addressed with a therapist.

Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California. Visit her blog about sex and intimacy.

Note: You can locate a sex therapist in your area through AASECT, American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists.)

Talking to teens about senior sexuality

I was recently interviewed by Karen Rayne, Ph.D., a sex educator for teenagers and their parents who has a blog about adolescent sexuality . I'd like to repeat that interview here and get your comments:

Karen Rayne: Why do you think senior sexuality is important?

Joan Price: It's important because we've been seen by society and by the media (and sometimes by ourselves!) as asexual, unsexy, and altogether icky if we are sexually active and enthusiastic about it. We need to change that, not just for those of us who are already in our golden years, but for all ages. I offer this plea to young people: Help us change our society's view of older people as either sexless or ludicrous and disgusting for wanting sex. Realize that our bodies change, but we're still the same lusty and loving people that we were when we were your age.

Karen Rayne: What do you see as the life-long path that can lead to healthy senior sexuality?

Joan Price: Acceptance of our own sexuality and open-mindedness about any consensual sex taking place between people of age to give consent -- and by that I mean emotional age, not legal age of consent necessarily. I know that at age 17, I was fully ready to engage in sex with my 19-year-old boyfriend. We had been dating for two years, and only waited that long because we were scared to death that either my parents would find out or I'd get pregnant. (The first happened; the second didn't.) I fear for girls who become sexually active before they're emotionally ready, though -- to please a boyfriend, or because "everyone's doing it." I encourage teens to talk to older, trusted adults before becoming sexually active, and definitely to use barrier protection (condoms) every time.

Karen Rayne: How can parents and teachers best help children and teenagers start down that road?

Joan Price: I was a high school English teacher for 22 years before I switched to a writing career, and I still have a great love for and enjoyment of teenagers. When I was teaching, many students talked to me or wrote in their journals about their relationships. Sometimes they confided intimate details that they didn't feel they could tell their parents. I encourage teachers to make themselves accessible and safe, letting their students know they're available, opening up topics in class that let the teenagers know that the teachers understand and have useful perspectives to share. I encourage parents to do the same thing, but realize -- and please accept this -- that as open-minded, accessible, and loving as they are, their teenaged sons and daughters might feel more comfortable talking to a different adult. (I'd love to hear from teenagers about how they feel about this topic.)

Also, see your body as a lifelong source of sexual pleasure, and see the beauty in older people. I know it's difficult, when our society and especially the media stresses that beauty and sexuality are the domain of the young. For your own sake, please reject this notion. As you age, welcome the new image of sexuality that you'll see in yourself and in your peers.

I also invited Karen's readers to visit this blog:

As young people (and I'm talking to both teens and parents!), you may resist reading about people who are 60 or 70 or older talking so openly about their sexual attitudes and experiences, but I think it's very important that we talk and you hear us, just as you want us to hear you.

I look forward to reading the comments of the teens and their parents who visit us here.

Sue Katz Blog: Consenting Adult: Lust, Kink and Culture

Help launch me & my cleavage into the blogosphere...” writes Sue Katz in her first post on her blog, Consenting Adult: Rants & Reviews on Lust, Kink and Culture. Sue, approaching age 60, indeed bares her cleavage in her photo as well as her words on this provocative blog. I interviewed Sue, former professional martial artist and world traveller, and now a writer living in Boston.

JP: Your blog is called “Consenting Adult.” What’s the focus?

SK: I’m working on a book about kink and older people, so the blog is a place to explore many of those ideas. I focus on people over 45 and all things sexual – especially alternative sexualities. I write about culture – everything from books (bondage and beyond) and movies (I hated “Notes on a Scandal”). I also react to current events, such my recent piece about National Secretary’s Week. I have written about Jane Austen, reported on recent surveys (“Solo Play More Orgasmic than Partner Sex”) and compared partner dancing to kinky sex.


JP: How do you define “alternative sexualities”?

SK: I know from my own life that human sexuality is as elastic as the pants I wear to work out in. I was a butch lesbian until my 50s and now I’m in a relationship with a man. I believe people can get turned on in more ways than they might suspect – whether it’s kinky play or intimacy with someone of the same sex. Some people organize their love-life differently – such as those into swinging and polyamory. Other people explore fetishes – specific images or activities that curl their toes.


JP: What’s the connection with age?

SK: After a wild young adulthood, my sex life was pretty muted in my 40s. Like many women, after menopause I had this rush of horniness and since I met my boyfriend it has been extremely passionate. I started noticing that in many ways alternative practices suited aging lovers. For example, bondage or spanking don’t require hardness or wetness. There’s a whole body out there – beyond traditional intercourse – and many sweet sensations. I also started noticing that lots of older people are stepping out of old sexual habits into brave new thrills.


JP: Your final word?

SK: It’s not a coincidence that so many writers are looking at the heat our generation is generating – as we always have. I love your work, Joan, and am glad that so many of us are talking about our adventures openly. Thanks for inviting me!