Having Sex at Lunch time can be Dangerous

The problem with humans is that they all look alike …I’m sorry but they do, now I am lucky in that I have lived with humans so can spot the little differences …..er like skin colour …………. And number of legs …..er…………. perhaps that is with werewolves …………. Anyway there are differences.


It is soooooooooo easy with us Vampires as like werewolves we can smell all we need to know in seconds from 100 feet down wind.


Male of Female ………....who the Female belongs to and if the Female is near to coming on heat……………


…………if a Male is fertile and if he already has the scent of mating on him   …  ………  …what nest they belong to……… ………….How strong they are ………. .


All just normal stuff which I just can not understand how humans can survive without. 


A Male knows that if he has the scent of another Female on him ……..which of course he has every right to have ……….. He is in his full rights to have sex with as many Females that will let him……………………


……..it is just that if he has the scent of another Female on him when he comes to you in the night………


………… which of course as he again has every right to do ………

Well it is just that when or maybe even if he wakes up in the morning …………..

………..he may discover his breeding days are permanently over due to the fact that all the sex made you very hungry in the night and you have bitten something of his off as a snack………….. Just by accident you understand ……


…and nothing at all about the fact of having another female scent on him ……


which as I said he has every right to have…..… and well every Male Vampire or human should know that it is never a good idea to roll over after he has finished satisfying his needs, without so much as a grunt of thank, you or offering to sleep on the damp patch……….. as is his right ……… and then start snoring leaving a Female still hungry in more ways than one ……………………


I sometimes think this is the only reason why Male vampires want to sleep with human girls……………..


 …. Well I think it is just perverted for a Male vampire to want to have sex with his lunch!   ………it is just so yuk ………… it is like a human male wanting to have sex with a ham sandwich!   …………. Yuk Yuk Yuk …………. What one can discover on the web  ………… 

Sex For Food - MOTS TV

A Bra and Thong? No I'm Wearing Sexy Helsing Underwear

Hi Its Summer and you can tell by the warmer rain  ………….so ……….all good vampire girls take a look inside the wardrobes to see what can look good when the weather gets better for an innocent (cough, cough ) walk in the night air.…………so having a look at my bullet proof vest ……or should I use the correct term Body armour………...yes of course I have one !!!!! …….silly!...............a girl has got to be prepared hasn’t she………….

No it is not like the big things you see on TV that say CNN along with the words Press on them in large letter just so people from Fox News know who to shoot at……(a joke before they sue me) …. When they say they fight for the stories it is True!!

The press ones look so thick they could stop a tank shell and makes the reporter look fat ……..they come in media camouflage colours which means Black with large letters in white saying TV ………..PRESS ……………..  So if a rival new company does not get you then it will be the government troops or rebel forces that will. 

Mine is unisex and I got it before I found out about wearing sexy Helsing underwear ………….. er……….. Want to know about my underwear?  ……….hhehehehehe    …………. Then you should have read my book! …..some of it is illustrated ….heheheehehe

It is unisex and white and fits under the clothes ……….. White …..ok so its brilliant white… my idea is that you can take it off and wave it to surrender ………but no they say it is to make it not noticeable ! …..

…...NOT NOTICEABLE !!!!  well if you were wearing an overcoat then maybe ……….. but it is big thick and flattens ones boobs, not hard to do in my case but still, so extremely flattening but not in a nice way   ………….. It is held on with Velcro’s straps and buckles, the inner layer is breathable with lots of holes to stop one sweating in it………….

Sorry my Aunt always says girls do not sweat ………….. Horses sweat ………Men perspire and Women glow……………. So when I try it on in the summer I am glowing like a Horse………….. er………………the armour plating comes out via zip pockets and you can wash the jacket on a low setting if it gets too smelly.

And just because it says Designed for Comfort on it does not mean it is ……and besides if I wanted something designed for comfort it would be a bra and not body armour!……to put it on it goes over the head and the straps tie it together …………….ok  ok .so once it is on its ok…………. It’s just that I no longer look like a girl …if I was a little flat before…..I am now very FLAT …far flatter than any sports bra and without the advantage of looking like you are at least trying to get fit.

FBI agents may be able to put a jacket over it but I suggest a jumper that way you can try and put a tissue stuffed bra over it to give you back some sort of famine shape………….. er………. it is heavy ……… the weight is taken by the shoulders but it is still heavy .

I am told it is good against knife attacks and can take up to a 9mm bullet………. Huh as it I’m going to test it out by standing anywhere some is shooting at me ! …………… it may not be comfy but heck you try sticking a stake in me and you will soon discover that this girl is one smart cookie ………………

Humans are so stupid at times ………look we have seen all the horror films just like you have …………..and we know about how you want to kill us …………..

Hell he will have one silly look on his face after trying to stake me! …………..

er………well not for long as the mention of stake always makes me hungry…………..and ho just look I have now found my evening meal standing in front of me with a blunt stake and a silly look!

…………………. Human = Stupid ………………..

Want to see Panties with bite?
then look at this:.

http://www.myspace.com/avelinademoray/photos/19712545#%7B"ImageId":19712545%7D

Bad Ass Body Armor

Liquid Bullet-Proof Armour

Ultraviolet Trailer

Sex er cise ........... and having a healthy body

Sex  er cise   how to keep your body in prefect readiness for that special night out  

Now as you may know we Vamps have our own website ……… well it stops us having to talk with the food ……….. well it is off putting ……… you trying chatting to a cow then order a nice juicy steak  ……………..

Anyway ……………. What happens on our sites like FangBook and Fangpages ….mostly what happens on your human sites …….I’m a girl so the usual question is will you send me a pic of your boobs…………. Ok ok  ……..it is not always like that sometimes it is ……………I LOVE YOU !!!!! so will you please send me a photo of your boobs …………….

I blame breast feeding myself ….yes I do ……..something like that must have done something to a guys mind ………….

And as to questions guy ask like ……..…What are your boobs like?................  just how is that a question to ask a girl………. so to answer the question once and for all ……….

I have two ……….they are on my chest and mounted in the traditional horizontal way as they are side by side …………… and unless it is cold they do very little on their own …….. Surprisingly I can go for hours at the time forgetting they are even there.

My girlfriends all tell me this is very normal and they get the same questions and requests for photos……….. 

So my little story for to day which links to the video click at the bottom of the page …….yes….yes…yes………ho god yes……… you must see it…………… a new training program to lose weight in a very ..very..very …sexy way !!!!!!!!!!!

Going back to fangbook when guys show interest in me I normally ask them to prove it and this one guy did……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......... he sent me a photo of his best feature…………. HMG …….I am still blushing ……….. must be twice the size of any normal guy !!!!!! …………not that I am an expert you understand………. No please do not get me wrong size does not mater to a girl ………it is personality .er………a caring heart ………..or in my case a very large bank balance along with uncontrollable urges to give me expensive jewelry ………….

But when I told my girlfriends and they all demanded to see it ……………….. er…...only for interest you understand ………….that’s all ………….. ok………. And I was correct from the …………… sighs ……and screams……… and other exclamations which I wont go into here…………. It was bigger than any of them had ever seen before ……….not that that interests and girl you understand……….. but heck…………..he should now discover a sudden influx of girls asking to be his friend on Fangbook ……well he also has one hell of a cute butt……… 

Yes as a guy he has some of the largest FANGS I have even seen ………….. any girl would be happy if their boyfriend was so gifted in the fang department……

http://www.break.com/index/jimmy-kimmels-hottie-body-workout-2013856

…….yes….yes…yes………ho god yes……… you must see this lose weight in a very ..very..very …sexy way !!!!!!!!!!!

Before I forget anyone that has promised to do a book review, please contact my publisher  Reardon Publishing:  email:  Reardon@bigfoot.conm  and check it you are on the mailing list

Things that came as a shock when growing up.

Things that came as a shock when growing up.

Er..well ………like most of what your body does is normal ……….. No I still do not believe it!

Life is all about learning and some of the important things you do not learn until it is too late:

Like could someone have told me you can not get pregnant by just kissing ……… like told me before I left high school  !………………

So let me list normal stuff people forget to tell you:

1. Just because you are paranoid it does not mean the world is not personally out to make your life a living hell.

2. You will never ever be the right size, height, colour or shape for the latest fashion.

3. The things that suit you best are now out of fashion and were never in your size in the first place.

4. Acne is hormonal meaning it can affect you 365 ….24/7 ………..

5. And acne will always strikes you on the night of a hot date no mater what time of the month it is.

6. You will only discover that night club lights make a white cotton dress see through on the night you wear it without underwear.

7. Biting people is normal for a growing girl and gives lots of extra vitamins.

8. You are more likely to go to jail for stealing from the government than for killing someone.

Click here for book details :........ http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.com

http://amymahvampire.blogspot.com/

Your Panties griped tightly in your hand and your skirt clenched between your teeth and they say this is a holiday!

Your Panties griped tightly in your hand and your skirt clenched between your teeth and they say this is a holiday!

There comes a time when you can no longer cross your legs and when a girls got to go a girls got to go ………….

But when in SE Asia just try and keep your legs crossed a bit longer as the toilets are so not good news for a nice vampire girl brought up in the west ………..

I got myself a nice light flowing cotton dress to try and keep cool in and also hide the heat lumps …………. No not heat rash but heat lumps ………anything over 2inch dia is a lump ………it is also red and itches like  ****   ……

Look I’m a vampire and so even with 100% sun block I still suffer from the sun………….. No I am not the sort that catch fire ! I’m the sort slowly turns into one giant heat lump ……..

Culture shock:………………………

The toilets are PRIMATIVE ………yes very primitive …… a concrete room with stalls and flies lots and lots of flies………….. Each stall has a hole in the ground ………which looks like an entrance to hell……..and the floor is wet very wet …….this is due to the hose pipe which is attached to a tap in the wall and which is constantly running ……………. No toilet paper ……………you use a water hose pipe and fingers!!!!!

Yes I know I have a cute Butt …..Well I have been told…………. Mostly by men over 60 that wink when they say it ………yuck……and men on building sites………. but at least it is noticed……. But I am used to putting my cute butt down on a seat ………………Of course I can squat …..I am female and all females can squat but ….well I have two legs but you don’t see me taking part in the Olympics!

Well the floor is soaking wet as I said very wet so I remove my panties……………. Yes well with my sense of balance it is best not to tie my knees together while squatting over a hole in a very wet floor………………

And I am wearing a long cotton dress ………….. and the floor is soaking wet …and I am hoping just from the hose pipe…………… soooooooooo how not to get the dress wet ?……… time is running out as I am getting so desperate I may even risk standing up but that would make the dress even wetter………………

I have a bright idea …..I grab the front of the dress, pull it up to my face and grip it between my teeth…………..

Thank god they don’t have CCTV ………………

Then is the problem of working out how to use the hose pipe to clean yourself……………. How the heck was I to know that in a hot county the water was so ..so  .so.  very cold …………. And yes I discovered that by pointing it somewhere delicate !!!!!!............. delicate and now dripping wet and very cold!!

I am sure such things should be banned under the UN as a torture technique ………..if you did not want to take a piss before you would now !!

And without tissue paper how do you dry yourself? ……………. Well I don’t know!  ……….. you have just put a cold water hose pipe between your legs and you are now …..well ………..how can one put it …er…….dripping…..so I put my panties back on and …..yes before you ask it does feel like you have wet yourself..

Look I asked afterwards and I was told this is normal …NORMAL !!!!!!!!!!  now just who would have put it about that it is normal to walk around like that ……….you can’t even sit down for fear of leaving a damp patch.

And they call this a holiday !!!!! ………….. well I now know that in this part of the world a girl has to keep two things and never loose them ……….

1.  Is her virginity (until married)

and

2.  A large pack of tissues

Ho yes saw this on you tube and found it funny so take a look:

All the wonders of a guys washroom:……………..just click and find out .....hehehehe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zylzHyVIC5w&feature=related

and this is of coure my book.........

Click here to buy my book..........  http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm

Running naked looking for panties with bats on them!

Do you know how hard it is to buy panties with bats on them!

Yes I did try eBay and well I can have a pair of batgirl panties but that is not what I want.

Cheap White Cotton with a single Bat logo on the front in black  …….should be easy to get er? ….well no way ……………. I have searched ………….

Ok before you ask why tell me tell you ………I had this idea ………shut up ……..I do have them at times………………… My book has just come out and as it is a vampire book I thought of selling a pair of bat panties to go with the book …………… but no panties so that idea is out ……..sigh………………

I have to find away to make money all my readers …..er…………..that is you ……… and you are very slow when parting with money and buying my book.

If it had worked I could have charged extra if a customer wanted me to put them on first ……………. Yes I know it sounds perverted …………. But hell I could save on my weekly wash …………. And it is not my perversion ………. And it is something already done in the East where companies sell worn panties to appreciative male clients …………. Now don’t ask me why ……… perhaps they have a wee fetish.

Don’t believe me? ……….well just put in the words ……..worn panties ……… into google and see what you get !!!!

So my books are now going on sale panty free or should I say panty less …………….

But if you ask nicely I may sign it for you……….

It will be slowly turning up on Amazon all around the world and I have has a nice box of them arrive this afternoon.

Yes so excited…………….. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ……….. my lovely publisher delivered them in person ……………….. so I throw off my clothes and gave myself to him on the door step ……er………….. ok so I exaggerate ………I did give him a kiss…………. Er it was on his cheek ……….so no tongues before you ask ………….. and no I did not bite him !!!!.......huh…………. I had only just eaten……………..

SOoooooooooooooooooooooo excited !!!!!!!!!!! ….I want to run naked down the street !!!!!!!! …..ok, ok, ok, ok, its March so I will wear a hat ok…………..but I am sure the looks will keep me warm!!

If you click here……………. http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm

You can buy it with paypal or credit card

This is what what my book looks like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Female wearing a cotton dress and standing over a fan …………………

Being Female wearing a cotton dress and standing over a  fan …………………

You know it is strange and I have no idea why but about once a month I have second thoughts about being female …………………

Look I have given it a go  ………. I did all the puberty stuff which some god should be taken to court over and charged with child abuse …..huh….normal ………..  half the stuff they say is normal with what goes on with a female body has to be some god having a laugh.

All I say to guys reading this is just be grateful we wash our hands ! …………. And yes chocolate is a normal daily food need!

So girls stop worrying 99 % of the strange stuff that goes on inside is normal ………..the one percent is when you tell a girlfriend something and she runs away screaming ………. …………. well that’s another story………..true………but I will save that for later.

As to Hormones ………. well if not mastered then I do have a non aggression pact with them for 3 weeks out of 4 ……….  

This feeling of needing to change gender does not last long as normally I am happy doing female stuff ….like only this morning I savaged the postman for failing to bring my book sample ………… yes I know they have not posted it yet ………….. but hell one of the nice things about being female is that no one expects you to act logically ………….he failed to bring me my sample book that they have no yet posted so I bite him…  well ..he is male …….he must have done something to deserve being bitten or I would not bitten him now would I ………………… yes female logic can me fun at times…………….

And if I was not female I could not have got away buying a nice light cotton dress and standing over a fan pretending to be Marilyn Manro  ……………yes I did and it was while I was over in Asia and …………..  it was just as much fun as when I used to do it as  a child …………….ok …..ok ………so I am a little old for doing that now……and perhaps home would have been a better place to do it……….and yes I did get comments from the other shoppers…….….but hell on a hot sticky day in Asia that sort of breeze reaches parts that an ordinary hand held fan dos not reach………and well it gets hot down there just the same as the rest of the body!… yes one day I will get around to tell you all about my trip and the weird stuff that went on ……………….. believe me when I say I never ever want to see another water hose pipe let alone stick it between my legs ………………

My Book:…………………. http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm

Waking up Naked in strange bed with a Hangover and no memory of how you got there.

Waking up Naked in strange bed with a Hangover and no memory of how you got there.  

Bed and sleeping with people is always a problem and as I always say Sleeping with another girl does not always mean you are a lesbian sometimes it just means the central heating needs fixing.

So back to waking up naked in strange bed with a hangover and no memory of how you got there, every drinking girls nightmare, along with the worry of were you left your clothes.

So you slowly open your eyes and painfully look around a strange room which from the décor shouts rather too loudly of cheap motel …….and the way your head feel it says it  far too laud  even if it whispered it.

A cheap nylon sheet is covering you …….er ………..and that is all you have covering you ………. A fur coat would have been nice …….shut up …….you don’t mind who I kill and eat but you object to me liking fur ….huh………….you humans are so odd if I said a human corpse covering you would not have cared !!!

Is it all that is covering you …er…yes you check twice and a single piece of coloured cord around ones wrist does not count! Supporting the local cat’s home is very charitable but does not count as clothing.

So what happens next?

1.                  A man leaves some money on the bed side table as he puts on his trousers and leaves …………

Action: ……….you scream ……………. What just  $20 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.                  You turn to one side and see a naked man and two naked female fashion models in bed with you   

Action: Roll over and go back to sleep you are ether in some guys dream or if real with the fashion models in bed with you than you know your honour is quite safe.

3.                  There is Eric the vampire from true blood in next to you in bed

Action: ………….. Pounce on him ….he is not going to get away again!

4.                  You notice the room is empty apart from a pile of female clothes which are not yours.

Action :………. ….You know that no matter how short the skirt is you will go without underwear today as there is just no way you are ever going to put on another persons used underwear!

5.                  You look down and see you are now a guy You have changed sex during the night !!!! And then you hear a female voice near by asked how was it for you and shall we do it again?.

Action:……………. Hope whatever the new extra bits you have know what they are going to do with out you having to order an owner’s manual from Amazon, but then as you stare at what is between your legs and now you more fear that the bigger problem will be trying to fit back into the micro dress you had on last night

6.                  You look down and you are still female but you hear a female voice near by asked how was it for you and shall we do it again.

Action: ……………. Telling her you have a headache only works on guys so you look on the bright side no matter what went on its now too late and turn to her thinking at least you won’t get pregnant.

7.                  You look down at your hand and discover a gold band on your wedding finger and snoring coming from someone near you in bed.

Action………………. Panic ! all you can remember are day glow cocktails with strange names like oblivion and something so pretty that it could not be alcoholic………. You can only remember talking to two people last night 1. a long distant truck driver who got his tattoos while in jail and 2. the bartender you are really praying it is the bartender next to you and then you remember the bartender was female and remembering the tattoos still pray it is the bartender!

8.                  You look around the empty room and remember that you booked yourself in last night just after being sick over the guy you fancied and you did not even remember eating peas. But he refused to take you home so you crashed here.

Action:……………….You pray to all the gods you know thanking them for the pounding head and the feeling of still wanting to be sick as it could have been far worse!

Guess what I have just had my first book interview ……. Weeeeeeeeeeeee  have I told you before ……….. well tough I am telling you again it is by blog !

Here is the link …….so take a look:

http://www.eeriedigest.com/wordpress/2011/03/interview-with-author-amy-mah/

My book is now on sale please click below to see details:

 http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm

Sex er cise how to keep your body in prefect readiness for that special night out

Sex  er cise   how to keep your body in prefect readiness for that special night out  

Now as you may know we Vamps have our own website ……… well it stops us having to talk with the food ……….. well it is off putting ……… you trying chatting to a cow then order a nice juicy steak  ……………..

Anyway ……………. What happens on our sites like FangBook and Fangpages ….mostly what happens on your human sites …….I’m a girl so the usual question is will you send me a pic of your boobs…………. Ok ok  ……..it is not always like that sometimes it is ……………I LOVE YOU !!!!! so will you please send me a photo of your boobs …………….

I blame breast feeding myself ….yes I do ……..something like that must have done something to a guys mind ………….

And as to questions guy ask like ……..…What are your boobs like?................  just how is that a question to ask a girl………. so to answer the question once and for all ……….

I have two ……….they are on my chest and mounted in the traditional horizontal way as they are side by side …………… and unless it is cold they do very little on their own …….. Surprisingly I can go for hours at the time forgetting they are even there.

My girlfriends all tell me this is very normal and they get the same questions and requests for photos………..  

So my little story for to day which links to the video click at the bottom of the page …….yes….yes…yes………ho god yes……… you must see it…………… a new training program to lose weight in a very ..very..very …sexy way !!!!!!!!!!!

Going back to fangbook when guys show interest in me I normally ask them to prove it and this one guy did……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......... he sent me a photo of his best feature…………. HMG …….I am still blushing ……….. must be twice the size of any normal guy !!!!!! …………not that I am an expert you understand………. No please do not get me wrong size does not mater to a girl ………it is personality .er………a caring heart ………..or in my case a very large bank balance along with uncontrollable urges to give me expensive jewelry ………….

But when I told my girlfriends and they all demanded to see it ……………….. er…...only for interest you understand ………….that’s all ………….. ok………. And I was correct from the …………… sighs ……and screams……… and other exclamations which I wont go into here…………. It was bigger than any of them had ever seen before ……….not that - that interests any girl you understand……….. but heck…………..he should now discover a sudden influx of girls asking to be his friend on Fangbook ……well he also has one hell of a cute butt……… 

Yes as a guy he has some of the largest FANGS I have even seen ………….. any girl would be happy if their boyfriend was so gifted in the fang department……

http://www.break.com/index/jimmy-kimmels-hottie-body-workout-2013856

…….yes….yes…yes………ho god yes……… you must see this lose weight in a very ..very..very …sexy way !!!!!!!!!!!

http://vampirekiss1967.blogspot.com/    

Before I forget anyone that has promised to do a book review, please contact my publisher  Reardon Publishing:  email:  Reardon@bigfoot.com  and check it you are on the mailing list

http://www.fangsrule.com/

A Vampire naked sex chat line……… .yes …nude ….starkers……bare…. unclothed

A Vampire naked sex chat line……… .yes …nude ….starkers……bare…. unclothed

I was chatting away to a friend on FB today (yes Rechelle it was you) saying that I was naked and just going to take a shower……..yes I do chat in the nude.......... soooooooooo well why not?………….. and no I don’t have a video cam ……pervert!!!!

And I got to thinking ……………. Yes I can do that in the shower ………. It is called multi tasking ………. Now will you stop thinking of my naked body all covered in soap and pay attention ……… ok!

I need to make some money to publicize my book and well why not do a vampire sex line? ……….. Well it would be different …………. Other female vampires give out cards offering bondage and biting services ………….. Yes human males pay to be tied up and bitten ………perverts yes but perverts with money…….. …. So it goes down on the health insurance as special medical needs………..and now don’t you every say anything about me just chatting in the nude……..

So how about it a vampire sex line………..can’t be hard to do as long as you don’t mind the heavy breathing ……….

Er………one ..problem ….er……..like no one has ever told me what a sex line does? …………. Well I am not going to phone one up and ask am I !!!!!

So a customer phones my vampire sex line:

What do I talk about? ………….. er……..yes I am a vampire now please pay an extra 10 dollars per question…………… and as to questions like please touch your boobs for me………. Er……...why ………. Like I have had them since puberty and well the novelty kind of wears off after a few years …………. And unless it is cold they don’t do really do much on their own……………..

OK back to the customer………. What am I wearing ………er………ok another $10 ……………… a pair of very brief very sexy red panties with a little cute bow on the front in pink……………. What else? ……..well they are on special offer at the moment from Wal-Mart at 9.99 a pack of three………a real bargain…….  But you have to wash them separately as the colour comes out …………… and like everything in the wash like comes out pink ……………..

Too much information …er…….sorry ok but I am new ok at this………………..I have a big thick sweat shirt with bats on? ….er..not interested ..ok….. they are pink bats!....still not interested …er………..

Drinks yes ok drinks……..i am drinking ……… and it is in a sexy way ………… the mug ever has a pink bat on it…………… why a mug? …….well it is hot chocolate and it also has a bat on it………..and the bat changes colour depending if the drink is hot or cold……….can't you tell from the way I have a ring of chocolate around my lips ……..er……………yes …….no …….video cam ….sorry.

No video cam ………..Well then you won’t worry about the face mask I have on then will you…………. Er……….it a grey face mask …...well apart from where the chocolate has stained around my lips…..

What’s my body look like you ask?……….er…….well kinda normal …….. You know boobs and such like ….hell didn’t you do biology at school? ………. Don’t you remember the picture in first grade biology……………. No the hairy one was a cartoon of Darwin……………..  well it is similar..er.ish ………hell if you are old enough to phone a sex line you are old enough to just do a google search on a female body without spending $10 asking me!

Ermmmmm?   What ?..........sorry I was not listening ……….well I was just answering an email ……….yes it was important !  …………. If you must know the cat had 4 kittens three black and one ginger ………… no I don’t know how come one was ginger …

………. Good god what the hell do you what me to tell you about the sex life of cats for just £10 a question!

Yes my voice does sound odd  when I shout…..…….well I have a stinking cold………. And well it is now dripping ………….which is your fault as if you had not phoned me I would have gone out and got some tissues……………..

Yes thank you ………….I am sure it will get better soon…………….. I just wish my stomach would………hmg I never going to touch shell fish again …….hell ........two days now and I have only just got off the toilet ……….

Hello ….hello ……………. ?

Now where did he go? ………and he had at least 5 dollars of credit left …..you humans are so odd……………

As a Vampire I did not plan to find lifting up your skirt to everyone is normal!

As a Vampire I did not plan to find lifting up your skirt to everyone is normal!

Being a vampire is not always as fun as it sounds as we have to mix with humans and you are so odd !!!!

As a vampire I have problems with sunlight and over the next few weeks I will tell you of my trip to Asia to see my human relatives the ones which brought me up as an orphan until I was discovered and taken back into vampire society,  hundreds of relatives I never heard of which seams to be normal in Asia.

I do not burst into flame but get terminal acne ………….. well …..it feels terminal it may not kill me just wish I was dead, and even with 1000 percent sun block cream and dark glasses I still suffer.

Asia is hot and sunny and not a good place during the day for my species  ………….. I am good with overcast days in the West but still I am not a full day walker and so I suffer………….. but I will tell you more over the next few weeks as I tried to pretend to be human and fit into your world.

So a nice cool night flight and then it hit me …………….. sun light !!!!!!!

 …As I said I suffer from heat rash due to being a vampire or in my case monstrous heat bumps  …….heat lumps ….. see as a vampire I can not take sun light 3 on my left foot and two on my right a mountain of one on my lower right leg.

And the worst on my right inner thigh one that was 1 inch dia and itched like hell another 3 inches dia of puffy skin around it from me scratching.

And I was now a guinea pig for testing herbal creams by unknown relatives……………… hell I am not used to lifting my skirt for every strange distant relative to take a look at it and rub something on it such as…………. Tiger Balm ….which burns then itches again leaving you with a now big brown itchy lump.

Now you know why I said I always feel like a child in both vampire society and human society  ……………. Who else do you know would have to raise their skirt to let a person one has never seen before …….. and without a doctors degree look up your skirt and make comments………….. Hell ok they say they are a relative …. But ………..oh embarrassing and ………. Well ……..there is me thinking daily that that I must wear my best underwear and perhaps should iron them first ……….  as I do not know who will want to look up my skirt today !!!!   

You humans do not and I repeat do not live a normal LIFE !!!!!