Pantie-less Vampire v the squat toilet

Look just because the movies don’t show that Vampires have normal bodily functions it does not mean they don’t have them………… let me give you a hint a vampire bat after a meal relives itself ok …..now then why do you think that after 8 pints of blood I would not like to do the same thing?

My trip to SE Asia this year gave me lots of problems ………..dont so much as finding blood but how to get rid of it afterwards ………..just listen:

Your Panties are griped tightly in your hand and your skirt clenched between your teeth and they say this is a holiday!

There comes a time when you can no longer cross your legs and when a girls got to go a girls got to go ………….

How To Use a Squat Toilet

Mastering Squat Toilets: Toilet Paper Necklace -- Female Travel Underground

But when in SE Asia just try and keep your legs crossed a bit longer as the toilets are so not good news for a nice vampire girl brought up in the west ………..

I got myself a nice light long flowing cotton dress to try and keep cool in and also hide the heat lumps …………. No not heat rash but heat lumps ………anything over 2inch dia is a lump ………it is also red and itches like  ****   ……

Look I’m a vampire and so even with 100% sun block I still suffer from the sun………….. No I am not the sort that catch fire ! I’m the sort slowly turns into one giant heat lump ……..

Culture shock

The toilets are PRIMATIVE ………yes very primitive …… a concrete room with stalls and flies lots and lots of flies……er did I say lots of flies…….. Each stall has a hole in the ground ………which looks like an entrance to hell……..and the floor is wet very wet …….this is due to the hose pipe which is attached to a tap in the wall and which is constantly running ……………. No toilet paper ……………you use a water hose pipe and fingers to wash yourself !!!!! YES IT IS TRUE ! You stick a cold water hose pipe between your legs !!!

As to no toilet paper a lot of the stalls don’t have doors !!!

Yes I know I have a cute Butt …..Well I have been told…………. Mostly by men over 60 that wink when they say it ………yuck……and men with odd tattoos on building sites………. but at least it is noticed……. But I am used to putting my cute butt down on a seat ………………Of course I can squat …..I am female and all females can squat but ….well I have two legs but you don’t see me taking part in the Olympics!

Well the floor is soaking wet as I said very wet so I remove my panties……………. Yes well with my sense of balance it is best not to tie my knees together while squatting over a hole in a very wet floor, now is it! ………………

And I am wearing a long cotton dress ………….. and the floor is soaking wet …and I am hoping just from the hose pipe…………… soooooooooo how not to get the dress wet ?……… time is running out as I am getting so desperate I may even risk standing up but that could make the dress even wetter…………

I have a bright idea …..I grab the front of the dress, pull it up to my face and grip it between my teeth…………..

Thank god they don’t have CCTV ………………

So there I am A blood sucking Denizen of the night ergo A VAMPIRE !  squatting over a hole in the ground with my dress clenched between my teeth and my panties safely in my hands.

Then is the problem of working out how to use the hose pipe to clean yourself……………. How the heck was I to know that in a hot county the water was so ..so  .so.  very cold …………. And yes I discovered that by pointing it somewhere delicate !!!!!! ............. delicate and now dripping wet and very cold!!

I am sure such things should be banned under the UN as a torture technique ………..if you did not want to take a piss before you would now !!

And without tissue paper how do you dry yourself? ……………. Well you don’t !  ……….. you have just put a cold water hose pipe between your legs and you are now …..well ………..how can one put it …er……your personal rainforest is kinda dripping…..so I put my panties back on and …..yes before you ask it does feel like you have wet yourself..

Look I asked afterwards and I was told this is normal …NORMAL !!!!!!!!!!  now just who would have put it about that it is normal to do that ! stick a hosepipe of cold water between your legs and then have to walk around like that …er damp……….you can’t even sit down for fear of leaving a damp patch.

Now this is why Vampires live in the West !!!!

True Blood by Danielle & Christy Vampire Awareness Month VAM10

True Blood by Danielle & Christy Vampire  Awareness Month VAM10

Now this is another TV Series that I love, from the music that is so cool to Eric the blond and very sexy Viking Vampire.

We absolutely LOVE  True Blood. We love it enough to pay an extra 10 bucks a month for the HBO channels ONLY during True Blood season :) We were completely thrown off at first with all the differences between the books and the show, but we have not only come to adjust to them, but also look forward to them. We get excited about what is going to happen next, and we hate having to wait an entire week to see what is going on with our favorite characters, which is almost all of them by the way!

-          Danielle & Christy http://middleoftheroadreviews.blogspot.com/

-         

Q1-

So they say that the Sookie in the show is a lot different from the Sookie in the book, personality wise. What do you guys think?

D- well… I don't know about that, I mean in the books she is so kick ass, I practically devoured each and every one I got. She is a bit guarded and kind of keeps to herself r a lot of the time due to the fact that she is 'small town' and people think she is a little crazy. But she only seems that way in the beginning of the series.  Also in the first season of True Blood she comes off as kind of naive, but as the seasons progress she totally out grows that and will tell someone off in a heartbeat!!

C-I have to agree mostly. Sookie is very different in the first season than I perceived her to be in the first book. I also think that she grows with the series and has grown out of some of the “naïve” although I think that she could still be a little tougher toward some people. It seems to me that she is still soft when it comes to certain other characters while with others she has toughened up.

Q2-

Do you think they should stick to the script and have Sookie and Eric eventually hook up, or do you think the flirting coming from Alicide is going to go any further??

D- well, since I am a Team Vampire type of girl, I really want them to stick to the script and have Sookie and Eric hooking up. Hell I want them to cast me and I will gladly hook up with Eric :) teehee

C-I always wanted Sookie to be with Alcide when I was reading the books, and it kind of  disappointed me when she just blew him off. He is such a good guy and Eric is just…well…an egotistical ass J

Q3-

Do you think they are ever going to introduce Bubba into the show? Do you feel they should?

D- No, I don't think they are going to. If they were it would have already happened. I mean he is a pretty loved character from the books and should be on screen by now. I wish they had brought him to life, but no I don't feel they should bring him in now.

C-Um…DUH…I really want them to introduce Bubba! He was so much fun in the books! I was honestly looking forward to meeting him on screen J but I have to agree with Danielle, I think that if they were going to introduce him they would have already.

Q4-

As of the last episode of True Blood, we discovered that Tara is bisexual. Did either of you see that coming?

D- absolutely NOT... OMG I was freaked.. I mean it is something that is kind of expected considering everything she has been thru, but I was like DAMN MAN, lol… It only adds to her character being so unbelievably unpredictable, and I LOVE IT.

C-I was completely dumbfounded! I never saw that one coming! I stood up and screamed at my TV “What the Heck? OMG I can’t believe that!”

We hope that if you haven’t watched True Blood or read the books you will consider starting NOW! A lot of people say that the series is just “soft core porn” and we totally see where they can get this idea but it is an amazing series. Ms. Charlaine Harris is a very talented author and we are so glad we were introduced to her books. Even more so that they made a TV series out of them J

the Anime Vampire Series review BOOD + Plus by Stavros VAM09

Hi today we have blood + I have seen a bit of it on Youtube but would like to see more and so I will buy the series when out as a complete series on dvd today Stavros tell you all about it.

 I have seen the anime film about Saya called Blood the last vampire and that was excellent and as for the feature film with real actors …………wow ………now that one is soooooooo coolllllllll one of the very best vampire films I have seen, but I digress …let the blood flow……………………

 

 

Blood+

Blood Plus follows the supernatural exploits of a seemingly ordinary school girl, who just so happens to be a vampire, that hunts down and destroys Chiropterans.  Chropterans are bat-like, werewolf creatures that feed on human blood, and Saya Otonashi is the only one who can kill them.  With merely faint allusions to the sensational 2000 anime movie, Blood - The Last Vampire, this half-hour anime television show isn’t a continuation of that story, but rather a full re-imagining.  The name of the main character, Saya, remains the same and she hunts down these vicious metamorphosing killers, but there really is very little that would make anyone believe that she is a vampire…or that the show is a spin off from the noir horror classic.

To be fair to the show, I can not compare them.  It would be like discerning the likes and dislikes of apples and oranges.  Blood+ isn’t bad.  It’s rather awesome actually, but I want all die-hard fans of the anime movie to know up front and personal-like that the TV show is not like the movie…at all.

In this re-imaging Saya is an adopted teenager living with amnesia.  Her adopted brothers Kai and Riku, and the faithful, cello-totting chevalier, Haji, aid her on her quests to make the world a safer place for a powerful organization known as Red Shield.  Armed with her Katana, Saya must sacrifice her own blood onto the blade before it will kill the rancid beasts.  Like any good anime the fight scenes are incredible, graphic, and taught with tension as Saya journeys to rediscover who and what she is.

My only beef with the show is that Saya was born in1833 and during the Vietnam War she entered a hypnotic blood trance and killed not only Chiropterans, but humans alike, thus starting her amnesic spell, and since then hasn’t aged.  Okay, I get the part where its cool to see a cutely drawn character in a school uniform kicking ass, but she’s been a teenager for well over a hundred and sixty years.  Kinda smacks a little on the perverted Twilight side, if you ask me.  But if you can get past the logistics of her age and the fact that she’s been in high school longer than Edward then you are going to get involved in a great show. 

Blood+ is rich with drama, emotional strain, and endearing characters.  It may not slip easily into the vampire genre, as Saya doesn’t conform to the traditional trappings of being nocturnal, having fangs, or needing to drink blood on a regular basis, it does, however, posses its own mythology.  Though, the show is geared more toward a younger audience don’t let that put you off.  Good anime is hard to find, and Blood+ delivers the goods.  Available on Netflix and Hulu, all four seasons of Blood+ are bound into two self-contained parts, ready for streaming or home delivery. 

Written by Stavros     www.bitemereallyhard.com

To follow my blog click here:

http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/amy_mah_vampire

Little boys and girls wearing blankets to attract perverts

My book reviews

This is a fun little review I got sent to me by my publisher, the book reviewers that normally write up on my book give ages for the reader and .......well when people ask me the reading age i am at a loss to say ......

..... well as i just wrote it and not planned for any age group .....

...I usually say Young Adult .......  er............    why? .......  well i talk about high school life, embarrassment and what it is like being a girl in a world full of strange creatures called adults. 

OK that normally attracts two types of people .......

1. Teen Age girls that like vampire books and discussions of thing to wear that is both hot and can get a vampire boy more interested in you than just your blood type.

2. Adults that like a different look into a vampire world that is not all about sex and carnage ....... someone should tell the film industry that just because you get turned into a vampire it does not mean you first desire is to show the world your boobs ........

Alright 3 types of people as I expect young teenage girls talking about underwear and what to do with a boyfriend will also attract paedophiles .............. not that I am stopping them reading it but hell they will be so disappointed if they think they will get any kind of sexual thrill as it rearly ain't that sort of book .............. then again I have heard they once stopped parents photographing their own children at a nativity play in case paedophiles got to see the photos!........

....... for those not knowing what a nativity play is let me explain christian schools get children to dress up as Arabs to celebrate the birth of Christ ..........

5 - 7 year old little boys and girls covered from head to toe in a blanket ............ apparently Arabs wore blankets 2000 years ago ................... 

Anyway it was another bit of political correctness gone mad as as you could hardly see a face ........... paedophiles may be sick perverts but you need to be delusional to get any thrill out of it.............. look it looks like they are all wearing Burqas ......... if you are a lucky pervert you may see part of a face and a pair of shoes !!!

Sorry got carried away what was i saying?

Yes my book is in fact aimed at all ages, the younger teen will get the funny everyday life of being a teen vampire .......where as the adult reading it will get all the funny bits the kids miss.......... from my blogs you will know i can be a little cynical ................ well my book is cynical with a capital SIN.............. as real human world issues are added into the text ..................

lots of stuff is ambiguous ............. meaning the teens will get some of the adult humour the adults miss .............. 

................ teens know a hell of a lot more that is going on than you give them credit for!

my book is very.....very different ............... and not for just kids .........  

http://www.fangsrule.com/review.htm
For more reviews

 

Dressing up as a French Maid and tieing a guy naked to a bed

Hummmmmmmmmm todays blog? Or should I say todays moan.

Now I like Guys ……… ok so mostly with tomato sauce but ……….. it’s a start …………. Look I’m a vampire and well if someone tastes good then it is gods will that they should die …………..er of course that is correct ……

….. god says unto man go forth and multiple ……

… god says unto Vampire.. Lunch is served !!!!!

Not that we the vampire race are that much into gods and such like.

Just think of ancestor worship ……….. like so many of my ancestors are still walking around ! ………….

………. Not so much needing to pray to them with incense for guidance and advice but more like sending them an Email !!

And your new human religions are ………. Well how can we listen to the holy advice written down from a prophet that one of your older relatives chatted to…………  and brings up the same funny story of his meeting with him in the desert every family gathering!

…boring….. saying the only wise thing he could remember him for was the way he passed wind loudly and blamed it on the camel.

It is stupidity in the male gender that gets me ……… they should know their place…………er……………tied to a bed waiting to satisfy me.

Human males are stupid but then again so are some male vampires …………… perhaps it’s the lack of blood to the brain every time they get excited………….  

One often hears stories around the nest of what some stupid male is doing or has done……..

Just because a male is 5 time stronger than a female they get it in their stupid heads that they are in control !

They have all the human females they can eat ……. And yet they just want to play with their food. ……… “You did what to her?! Well I’m not touching her now you pervert!”

Dumb males………… next they step up to a female vampire and drop their pants as if to impress us

………….. Impress a female vampire by dropping ones pants?! Like our hunger and sharp teeth would make a shawl of Piranha fish envious and they drop their pants in front our face, as if we were some sex staved human female …..huh………..

I once heard of a male that was so stupid he told his wife that she no was no longer exciting him in bed and that if she did not do something he would go else where………

………. Of course she took it to heart and tried her best to please him …………..

She dressed up as a French maid and lovingly removed his clothes before tieing him to the bed ……………… she then slowly removed her clothes until all she was wearing was a smile……… the effect on him was obvious …………. And he could not believe his luck when she then started covering his private parts with honey…..

….yes that night their relationship changed ………..

…….. Ho yes I forgot to say …….. she then left the room and returned with a bees nest which she placed it on his chest …………. Before leaving again saying as she left that she was going out with her girlfriends and would see him in the morning …………..

As far as I remember he never complained about his sex life being boring ever again………. And in fact some of the extra swellings from the stings made his wife very happy.

AlliKatNya Sings Paperback Writer - The Beatles

What else can I moan about?..........how yes remember when I said an author should never complain about someone that reviews their book in a negative way………as every one see something different in a book……..……well I have changed my mind  …………

 Looking on Gooreads I see someone had only given me one star on reading my book “The Night Eternal”  

…….er………………….

.... like how? I have not even finished writing it yet !!!! and it is not coming out until next year ......

I have heard about people prejudging about ………… but heck let me write it first !!!!!

His profile does not take corrisondence so if any one knows him tell him to read a book before scoring it !

On goodreads he is known as “ebook Fan”

  

ebook Fan's Profile

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Male, Bandung, 12345, Indonesia

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Joined in February 2010, last active this month

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The best way to bite someone of the opposite sex by a teenage vampire

Click here for some facts on blood !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and how to get it from humans

The best way to bite someone of the opposite sex by a teenage vampire

From the sexy sound of a blade cutting though the air ...... to the dripping of the blood

Apart from being a vampire I think out of the things I do to worry people is …….well how I answer interview questions …………..

Ever since my book has come out I have been interviewed by lots of different humans and heck I was not told that I should lie!

I am sure people have been taking Twilight too seriously and so being too honest can get a strange look or two from the interviewer. Yes, blood is best served fresh and warm preferably from its human contained ………..

Just why are they shocked by my answers …………

Don’t these people go to the movies?

Look if you are doing an author interview it may be best not to be so surprised when they

answer your questions ………….. I do try and keep it nice and warm and cuddly

……….. but heck I am a vampire just who do you think you are interviewing the tooth fairy? ………

I know I can worry people when they ask:

So as teenage vampire author please tell our readers the sort of things you like ...........................

Ok, ok, So I should say Chocolate and Cats which is true as I do …

 

…….but sometimes I tend to give away a little too much personal stuff……..

………and I say things like:

The sound a blade makes as it cuts the air, so nice er…. Like silk……… sigh……….. (well ask someone who uses a blade they will explain it to you …………… but it is a nice and sexy sound)

Then there is the feel of a well balanced blade in your hand, as it becomes part of your body as you turn and spin ……….

By the way it is wrist and finger control which  gives one the little playful moves.

did you know you can always test someone who says they can use a samurai sword by asking what noise in makes when returning to its sheath................

 

...................... but I do not know how it makes the sound...... can anyone tell me that?

Ho well get ready for the next interview and hopefully this time I will remember when they ask if I had a wish what would it be I should say I wish for world peace …..er…….and not what I said last time ……………..

Well how was I to know that saying how about a nice big bag of Blood Diamonds would upset so many people ………such a nice colourful name ………… ok I will have rubies instead …………

 

Sleeping with a girl for the first time.

Girls sleeping with girls .!!!!!! Sleeping with a girl for the first time.

I promised to let you have all the details of my trip to Asia and well ……………..one of the most embarrassing things happened at night.

HMG well I never thought I would find myself sleeping with another girl I mean like together not just in the same room but in the same bed and then discover she had roving hands !!! and it was no where as exciting as when guys talk about what happens………

God this is so embarrassing to say   ….well ………… there is a first time for everything ……. Forget the worry about the embarrassment of being a girl trying to buy condoms in a shop just remember to buy ear plugs ……………… heck did she snore!

Guys are always so interested to know what goes on when two girls sleep together, (perverts !!!!) ……well anyway I will tell you ! …………. It was well kinda .er…….different ……...and well I did not do anything much myself………….

As to what strange urges happen well it is true I did get some strange urges when her hand slowly moved up my leg ……….. The urge was to try and sneak away and get a hotel room………. On my own !!!

It was not that I even knew her ……..well…ok……. she is a cousin ………… and she seamed to take a liking to me during the day ……..but liking each other as cousins means shopping together and perhaps sharing an ice cream in the mall ………… moving into my bed on the pretence that the aircon was too powerful and she was cold…………. Well that is something I would have expected more from a guy…….

All I had on were sleeping panties and a tee …………. All she had on was a tee ……… and it was a shock when she put a hand on my upper thighs and even more of a shock when she pushed her face into my boobs……giving out a little giggle…. What am I a pillow !! ……….heck…….  I just hoped she was not going to bite !……….  The only way I could stop her from getting ever more intimate was to hug her …………and so that is what I ended up doing until she fell asleep, then I discovered that I was now trapped in the bed with miss roving hands ……….. Could not move without waking her and so that was my first time sleeping with a girl………

Er………..perhaps I should point out that my cousin is 6 years old and her mother was sleeping the other side of the room in another bed with my cousins two other sisters ………

Well even at that young age I still think her morals are very poor to sleep with someone just because I shared an ice cream with her …………….

I had to hug her all night ! every time I stopped she started to fidget ………… God I have had boyfriends that have needed less physical attention.

God V The Chickens (the vampire explanation)

God V The Chickens (the vampire explanation)

OK you humans are so odd ………….like what has the poor chicken ever done to upset all your Deities of today?      

Well not so much upset as picked upon, you get all sorts of rules on what animals you can not eat as they are either unclean or holy … be it pigs…..cows……..shell fish…….snakes…….things that crawl on their belly ……….and even flies……………ok the fly one did take me by surprise and I got it from a documentary of religion ………

Along with what foot to use going into a toilet ……….. And with my experience of Asian toilets …….Well I rather not use either foot and just cross my legs…………… Look just what god is so bored that he is going to watch what foot I use to enter a toilet? And if he ………yes it is always a he ……… then wants to watch me take a piss !!! there must be rules for the correct way to do that as well ……….then that is one sure way to get himself an unholy reputation.

But back to the poor chicken, it should be born wearing a tee shirt saying EAT ME !!

See the gods pick on it and it is so unfair! ……..Like what has it done to upset the gods so much? …………… Thou shalt not eat swine as they are unclean……….. But chicken is ok and so at the same time please sacrifice one for me with extra BBQ sauce ……… as last time in was a bit tasteless …………..well just tasted a bit like chicken………….. ho yes and do it as a sacrificial take out so I can eat while watching the toilets………………

Well of course you humans all have it wrong ……………we vampires have the true god and we have holy books to prove it !

God loves us so much he ……..yes it is always a he……… like why ?………..

Has given us an ever expanding supply of food, which breeds faster than we can cull it ……………… er…………..yes I did say cull……… we are not the ones destroying the planet by over population.

Now stop complaining to me ……… It’s nothing to do with me …….. It is all written down in the holy book so has to be true ! …..God would not have let it be printed if it was not true …ergo ………. Look I can show you the page !

We are at the top of the food chain so ……….er……………ok along with cockroaches and some types of virus ………but we are the favoured ones not you ……………..  Again just read our holy book and you will soon know your place ……………. 

Just listen to the holy words  ………….. And I will make your food bountiful as you are the chosen ones ………..

See !................ what did I tell you…………..

It is full of stuff like that …………………… mind you not so happy with sections in the holy book like this………….

It is the female’s duty to raise her tail upon a males lawful needs and be submissive when the male wishes to use her body as that is good and holy …………….

Ho well if god says so ……….sigh ……….. What can a female vampire do ?………………

Mind you I do worry about some of the foot notes and think some male could have added them without god’s permission like it does not sound so godly when a footnote says………..

And she shall make appreciative sounds when he uses her body and not complain if he fails to satisfy her or points out to him that 1 min 45 seconds was not worth her raising the tail for,  it is her holy duty and besides he probably had a hard day at the office and nothing at all to do with the hot new secretary he has just turned.

But there you have it ………just a normal holy book.

Ho yes and we are also allowed to eat chicken …….but no tree frogs at a full moon ………….. And yes I have never eaten a tree frog at full moon as I am a good religious little vampire.    

And lastly being a good little vampire girl I could not stop you requesting that I raise my tail to you as is my duty …..but I should point out that if you ask such a thing my Uncle has also read the holy book and says he found a section giving him every right to strip you naked, cover you in honey and then stick your head deep into an ants nest ……………

I’m sorry but I thought I should warn you my uncle is very devout at times.

Click here .................. http://www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm

About my blog .......if anyone wants to know it is all true .......about which foot to use stepping in to a toilet ………....er ………..its the left..........and you must also spit out a fly which goes in the mouth ..... ho yes and it is also sinful for a female to pee standing ........... God only designed male to do that...... huh ......I wish he also designed a male that puts down the toilet seat after using it....................

So does God watch you take a piss .......er..........just to make sure you sit down? .............. and would you really want to worship a god that watches girls take a piss? ....................

How about a god that hangs about toilets seeing what foot you use to go in ? ................ er……………is this just me or is someone making stuff up in the holy books? ...................... God i am a good girl and I sit down to piss and don’t eat flies…....now can I go to heaven?......

Now to as where people read my blogs ……. Yes I can see you ! …………. USA is always East and West Coast ……..a lot in San Francisco …………. So my humour must be democratic …and not republican ………………

Lots in Europe ………hi to my German fans !! 

None in China …….am I blocked? …………………….. but little hot spots all over the Muslim world  ….expats?…………… or am I used as a warning in schools  for males not to listen to females ………………